Pity post

[Purplelover25]

Hi all,

Posting in here as you guys get it.

Partner of 12 yrs was in an explosion Feb this yr, sustained severe traumatic brain injury amongst other injuries. The expectation was he wouldn't make it & if he did would be severely disabled.

Going through the whole hospital experience, neuro intensive care, high dependency, being moved 3 times then to neuro rehab, i saw my love come through it and almost back to his old self, much more than I could have prayed for reading the posts on this site and Google.

He was able to come home 3 wks earlier than expected due to his amazing recovery... He was only home a couple of days when the anger and rage began.

I understand life was now different for him and tried to be a support where I could, but things just intensified. It would be smashing household items, confabulation, our 4 & 1 yr old pushing him away from me when he's screaming in my face to because I went school shoe shopping he broke my windscreen. Then unfortunately he assaulted me. I called the police and he was arrested. He had locked himself in the house, police did get in and he resisted arrest badly. I never thought anything could be worse than seeing him in that 1st ward all wounds open still.

He has a court date coming up & I'm in turmoil of this isn't his fault so he shouldnt be punished. Whilst that's the case, i certainly won't allow that to happen injury or not.

He still doesn't believe / in denial that he has a brain injury. And I just feel so heartbroken that our beautiful family and life we created has been smashed apart. I'm not sure I'll ever feel safe with him again so not holding on to once he gains the help he may improve somewhat.

I also feel guilty that he's had everything taken away& he needs support but i can't give it to him. Brain injuries are devastating!

Thank you for letting me rant.

[DawnD123]

I’m so sorry to hear that you have had to go through that. I wish there was more follow up for brain injury victims. One of the most common after effects I was advised of was anger and temper. Luckily for me I had the opposite.

I hope you can get some help from the ‘experts’ but you have come to the right place to get advice from people who have been or are in your situation.

Wishing you all the very best, look after yourself.

[Hidden]

This sounds desperate for you all. The court would have to take the BI into consideration and hopefully order psychological testing in regards to it. Hopefully somehow this would lead to getting help from your health authority to get some treatment. It sounds difficult all round, maybe you should get some help too to deal with it. Good luck

[nippybird]

What a difficult situation for you, you must feel very torn at the moment. I really think your partner would benefit from some additional neuro behavioural rehab, because clearly he can't carry on like this, you could speak to the GP about whether he can get referred again. Also look at the Headway identity card scheme, it was set up to try help people who have become embroiled in the criminal justice system, as you've experienced brain injury can bring behaviours that can't be tolerared in society but the card has a number for representation from a solicitor who understands brain injury and can alert the police that its a mitigating factor from word go. Have you spoken to anyone on the headway helpline? I'd give them a call 0808 800 2244

best wishes xx

[cat3]

I'm assuming your man has a solicitor who's been made aware of the brain injury and I would hope the court will mitigate for this. I'd like to think he'll be issued a probation order on the understanding he attends regular therapy appointments to undergo anger management.

A note to the clerk of the court via an usher or husband's solicitor, to be read by the magistrate, detailing your man's injuries and emotional issues could also help his case in getting help rather than a punitive judgement.

What a sad and stressful situation you've been left with as a result of your husband's brain injury, and through no fault on your part ……….or even his to be fair.

Wishing you both the best and most helpful resolution to this truly awful dilemma. We're always here for support m'love….. Cat x

[Purplelover25 in reply to cat3]

As he doesn't believe there's a brain injury he hasn't and isn't intending on getting a solicitor. I had thought of getting his psychologist to do a letter for the court, but i fear this may trigger him to be aggressive to me. Thank you though

[cat3]

Sadly it look like a situation we see here all too often, with the loving carer bearing the brunt of aggression/violence from a frustrated partner in complete denial.

Can I ask whether your husband is still living with you ?

[Purplelover25 in reply to cat3]

He isn't, there's a non molestation order that he stays away from our street completely. Luckily, he has stayed away since the assault.

The upside is with him living at his dad's his siblings have got more involved. One even takes him to work and out on an evening which is fantastic for him

[cat3]

The whole business is tragic and must be hell for you. But often it can be the start of a positive process when things come to a head, especially if other family members are aware and involved. There are other cases here where it's taken dire measures to bring a spouse out of denial and face up to the reality of their issues,

I hope this proves to be a wake up call which forces your husband to grasp that his brain injury hasn't just gone away but needs to be managed, with professional help if necessary, if he's to be reunited with you and the children. My heart goes out to you and your children especially, but everyone involved in the fall-out from his devastating injury and its consequences.

I hope you're managing to cope emotionally, practically and financially m'love ………..and we're here to listen when you need to share or offload.

Love Cat x

[guitarlady]

Hi, I just wanted to reply as I'm in a similar situation but with my friend not a partner. He collapsed into the road in April this year which resulting in a brain trauma injury. After a week in ICU in a induced coma, then 3 weeks recovering he came back to his flat. We've been friends for a few years now and he is like me, no kids or many family members.

He is now very tired after doing a little. Over the last months I've been trying to get him a carer sorted, speak to a Social worker about things because there's always a waiting list.

During this times we've had loads of arguments as he hasn't accepted his injury and keeps saying he wish it would go back to how he was.

The lady from Headway has been very nice and has done a referral for my friend, which has gone to the social worker and is being looked at to see if he could have a support worker come to him. I got Meals on Wheels for him once he was home. A connect alarm service and a pendant installed. I thought there must be some other people in the same situation so looked online and came across this site which I think is brilliant as a godsend for when you think no one understands or is going to help. I've learnt such a lot and understand a lot more now about my friends injury.

Last week I had a visit from a lady from Alliance Carers to do a assessment for me to see if they can give me any help or support. If was very useful. She said that she doesn't go to many friends who are carers as a lot possibly find it hard to cope so leave it to other people.

I found this a bit sad but could understand as I'm finding it pretty hard most of the time. I don't want to walk away as I know what it's like to be on your own and not have many people stick with you having a couple of periods of depression in the past.

My friend comes out with me when I walk my dogs and to shows at our local Playhouse. I'm hoping that from next week we can get a carer to take him out to the shops and check his flat is o.k. just so he doesn't always look to me and to give him another person to interact with.

I miss the way my friend used to be and do see some of the old person he was so which isn't always easy to cope with but hopefully will keep trying my best.

[Richdp]

😥

[Daylight123]

Just read your post and all the helpful advice. You may have to think outside the box and work out what set up is going to work and be safe for the family. My BI partner is going to move out. He is still a positive part of my life but he understands that on a practical level the relationship has not been working because of issues related to Brain injury . His family are offering him more help now that he is moving out on his own. They will soon know all of the issues I have been trying to deal with will all small on their own but when put together are a real problem. I now see myself as part but not all of my partners support system and I am definately the person who will advocate. I need some space from head injury as I have my own issue that I have swept under the carpet in order to focus on my partner and make our relationship work. We have planned a holiday together with friends as this is about changing are dynamic rather than ending our relationship. My partners brain injury happened 12 years ago.

You and your partner are grieving loss and dealing with the fall out. It takes time but you will eventually find a new path and thinking outside the box about how you live especially if anger and rage are an issue ( hopeful short term ) may help. Safety comes first.

Ps He is likely to get some kind of warning and they will be focused on treatment to help anger management. The court will want a psychologist report and will get this themselves as part of understand the circumstances of the offence.