YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!

[Gud4Ewe]

I am an ambivert. I have found that as an ambivert with FND, erring on the side of emotional caution is best if I want to avoid rocking the boat that day. 12 years ago, I had an epiphany while in a moment of self-loathing over what I had allowed my work life to become. I hated my job so much. I was being treated poorly by so many people both personally and professionally and was being emotionally dismissed by almost everyone.

I was a Chiropractic Physical Therapist. One day at work, I was forced out of the role I had rightly earned, and made to wash walls in my own therapy bay, while an underqualified moron who just happened to be the office manager's daughter, attempted to train the team that I was being given, expressly leaving me out of the training, even though they would be expected to meet my standards. When she came over to me that morning, in front of who would soon be my new subordinates, to ask me how to TURN ON the machine she was going to teach them how to use, I quit. Right then and there, I put down the sponge and told her to figure it out. She's the instructor.

I walked out the door, and went to a trade college a few doors down, on a whim. I took their placement exam, for fun, and scored off the charts in logical thinking and was advised to try my hand in IT. At this point, my understanding of a computer went no deeper than MySpace. I took a deep breath and thought, nothing could be worse than this... So I did it. 2 years later, I was one of the only people to graduate from the grueling program, but I landed a great job 2 months out of school. It required me to move 4 hours away, and that idea created a LOT of family drama.

It was in these moments that it came to me... like a ton of bricks. I don't HAVE to do what they say. I don't HAVE to listen to them. I don't have to follow their remarks or let them cut my heart, because I don't owe them anything. I don't have to be upset that my life choice upset them because it's MY life choice. Their reactions are their own, and none of my business. How they feel about me and what they think of me, are also, none of my business. That realization has been instrumental in my efforts at recovery from emotional abuse.

Moving away to accept this job was the best choice I have ever made, as it removed me from a toxic life that I had no escape from. I have excelled in my work and been promoted multiple times. I am now an IH level engineer and a critical incident support Resolution Manager. My family has stopped second-guessing me. I went from being the lowest paid and most abused in the family, to one of the highest-paid and respected. I'm now known as the one who takes no crap. This sounds great except... absolute power corrupts absolutely. An adult with no real-world understanding of extreme emotional feelings is, at best, a ticking time-bomb. I need to get a grip on my inner child because she can be a mean little bitch. I'm pealing away at what I am in layers. Like any good onion... I'll make you cry. I know that she is simply a toddler who needs a nap and a bit of redirection. I'm working on it.

A tactic I have recently begun employing is having striking results in helping me calm myself in some extreme situations, and I wanted to share it in the hope that someone else may also benefit.

When I am overwhelmed and becoming angry or overly emotional, I ask myself how old I feel at that moment. If I can identify how old I feel, mentally, while clutching that emotion, I can go back in time to when I was that age and think of what occurred that made me feel the way I do right now. If you can locate an event that illicited the same emotion as a child, you can comfort internal you by talking through that memory and validating your inner child's emotions. In turn, this will help you understand why you may be lashing out irrationally when you are presented with a particular feeling or become triggered within certain situations.

In the end, we invite the energy around us. Don't let other people steal your joy... you didn't want to sit with them anyway.