I am very stressed, depressed and thoroughly ashamed to admit that doing housework is virtually impossible as my back hurts so much. I also suffer from tachycardia, hypothyroidism and major depressive disorder, so have very little or no energy or motivation to do anything. Any tips or advice would be most welcome, the whole situation is depressing me even more (if that's even possible)
Housework : I am very stressed... - Fibromyalgia Acti...
Housework
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sobs1962
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DizzytwoModerator
Hi there, sorry to hear how you are suffering. I see you are a member of the TUK I'm just wondering if you have posted to the right forum? Have you been diagnose with Fibromyalgia may I ask.
Momo
Thanks for reply, already on PIP, but only get daily living component and standard rate, need to get doctor to update my records and may help when PIP is reviewed in 2023. I feel so helpless and hate having to ask for help, I'm only 59 but feel 30 years older most of the time.
You don't have to wait until your P.I.P review. You can advise them of any changes to your condition.
LisaSnowFMA UK Volunteer
Please don't feel bad about not doing housework. It just has to come second to your health!
I agree with Lisa, health comes first. Get a check up with your GP, review your medications and check they are still right for you and that they are the correct dosages. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and make sure you pace yourself.
Set yourself small achievable jobs and then get some help if you can. By doing small manageable things, no matter how small! it can help you to feel like yeah I am helping and i'm doing the best and as much as I can.
I try to prioritise what's important. Dusting the bookcase and getting cobwebs off the lampshades aren't important or a priority to me. A friend of mine gave me a lightweight hoover that I manage with so much better and I just move a chair around the room to sit on or find a place to sit while I hoover.
You can get help from your GP who can refer you to have someone come into your home and assess what changes can be made or any equipment that can help make things easier for you.
Be kind to yourself huni, you've battled through it for years like a bloody trooper xx
Thanks for that, but I genuinely don't think I need any equipment to help I just have so little energy or motivation to do anything, not to mention the fact that simple things like standing at the sink to wash up hurts, as does squatting, bending, walking etc. I feel like giving up most of the time and I can't expect my husband to do it as has osteoarthritis in his knee and is awaiting a total knee replacement. I could ask friends to help but they all have their own problems and that wouldn't be fair to them.
Hi sobs
Sounds like you are having a rough time at the moment. I echo the sentiment that cleaning takes second place to our health. Pacing for me is still work in progress but it does help to do something for five minutes and then rest.
I use a "grabber" so I don't have to bend down, and have lots of little gadgets to help as well as a perching stool. All these things make life easier.
Regarding asking for help with the cleaning etc - for birthdays and Christmas my family "buy" me time with a cleaning company, or an oven cleaning company or ironing services. My son buys me gardener services. A friend visits Cook shop and buys me home made meals for the freezer. All really useful presents and more help to me than clothes. Something worth considering as it may help you feel you are managing better. Good luck
I was going to suggest the same thing - asking for cleaning, gardening, etc. as a present.
I also share similar experience. I even struggle to wash a plate and do things in stages. For example If I go to yoga then I tend not to do anything till next day.
I do yoga 3 times a week, but at a pace that suits me, probably I’m capable of doing 5% of what others do.
I was told gentle movement is key to Fibromyalgia otherwise your health would deteriorate even more. If you can start off by walking outside 5 minutes a day and gradually built up resistance. Believe me I know how hard it is . Xx
YassytinaFMA UK Volunteer
Morning, when depression sets in it can leave us without any energy let alone suffering with fibro, (I’ve been there) I do think the 1st thing is to see your doctor so he/she can hear what’s going right now, housework will always be there so when I was struggling I would just set small tasks to start with, I found once I was put on the right medication I was able to build up alittle more each day but I still rested/paced. For me was breaking the anxiety/depression with the right meds and I do much better now, it didn’t happen overnite but once I saw a very understanding doctor who said I was on the wrong medication and changed it , I saw so much improvement. I do hope you can move forward gradually xx
I do have both depression and anxiety but unfortunately have been told that my depression is treatment resistant and have tried lots of different antidepressants over the last 30+years all to no avail and was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder 18 months ago and this makes life a living nightmare most days. The main emotions linked with BPD are shame and guilt, so it's like being on an emotional roller coaster 24/7. I can tell my GP all of my problems but doubt they'll take much notice, as they're generally pretty poor. I was offered a new antidepressant by the psychiatrist but can't take it as has mannitol as an excipient and gives me bad side effects. Feel like I am beyond help.
Hello again, would it be worth trying another local surgery ? Just a thought, I know for a few years the doctor I was seeing didn’t really do much and just gave me Citolpram , I was on the brink of changing surgeries when my practioner nurse put me on to another doc at the surgery, I realised straight away he was totally different , through Covid I ve seen my practioner nurse who is a real gem. Don’t worry about the house just little now and then, my home was and still is my comfy /safe place , Some really lovely understanding replies from people, sending a hug we are really rooting for you xx
Thanks, for reply. To be honest, I wish we'd never changed surgeries in the first place, the only reason we did is because the previous surgery failed to tell my husband he had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and was because he failed to attend an evening appointment which he simply forgot about. Seemed like they did it out of spite, which is extremely unprofessional, not to mention dangerous as if he'd carried on without knowing, he could have ended up in hospital with sky high sugar levels. At this surgery,everyone is very matter of fact and no-one gives the impression they care in the slightest and they're only going through the motions. Considering changing again but can't guarantee anywhere else would be better. Best thing to do is probably stay away from the doctors as they only do the absolute minimum it takes to treat people anyway. The NHS is on it's way out and that's the way the tories want it. Their philosophy is if you don't have money, you don't deserve anything. It's a horrendous situation for the poorest in society who are always the ones who suffer.
I struggle with cleaning too. It can be very painful to do the simplist of tasks.I've tried having a different outlook which is that it do what I can and it will get done.
Try to have some self-compassion and understanding for you.
Go easy on yourself.
Also I found that when I was honest with people about my illness many friends and family members offered their help.
I'm too proud to take them up on their offers at the moment but I'm working on it 😊
To be honest, I've not really tried that hard to do much cleaning, as the fear of what might happen is stopping me and we had the house renovated 4 years ago and the job hasn't been done properly (cowboy builders) and since then I absolutely detest everything about the house and don't see the point in doing anything because it won't make me feel any better about the house. We are going to have to sell the house in a few years to pay off the mortgage and I worry that it'll be valued at a much lower price because of the shoddy workmanship and of course the dirt. I've spoken to my husband about getting someone to come and do the cleaning, but he's having none of it and says he'll do the cleaning. He is 70 and awaiting a total knee replacement, so can't see that happening even if he feels he's up to it and his idea of clean is nowhere near a high enough standard for me. Either do it perfectly or not at all. It's all a huge nightmare and it looks like if I want it done properly I'll have to do it myself, even if it kills me.
Forget the shame, it took me years to realise you can only do what you can do. That sounds stupid but for a lot of people with chronic conditions it is a fact of life. Other people can also be very judgemental, a friend of mine who has MS had a social worker call who critised the tidiness of the house, they should really have known better. Luckily there is nothing wrong with this ladies mind or her tongue and the social worker left with a red face. So look after yourself, do what you can when you can and leave the guilt to those that deserve it eg. mr trump.
I know that most of the time it's my major depressive disorder that causes me not to do housework but this last few months it really has caused me pain to do a lot of things plus I have copd so get breathless when I exert myself, my friends have suggested coming to see me but I'm so ashamed of the state of the house that l won't allow it. This virus has made me into a hermit and don't go out unless I have to and really have no excuse as haven't worked for two and half years due to my mental health, so have nothing but time on my hands.
It is a vicious circle but do what you can. Depression drains you and the other problems are the filling and icing on the cake. Even if you lie and listen to music it will help lift up the dark cloud that is choking you. Think about what you can do rather than what you can't. Think about family and friend and good times with them. You don't have to do anything but think about it but eventually like digging a tunnel under the English channel you may see the other side.
First of all, don't be ashamed. You aren't the only one in that particular boat. Me too. I do feel somewhat guilty, but not that much. There is more to life than clean floors. I would rather use the small amount of time I have when I don't feel too terrible gardening than cleaning. Our lives might be somewhat stunted, but we can enrich them by not worrying too much about what other people think. That being said, this philosophy is a work in progress for me.
Hi Sobs, Your in the right place. You got it bad, it's not easy for you and when we're stuck at home we have too much time to berate ourselves and our homes. You got to remember you are loved, you love back, it may sound hard but can you think of 3 things that have made you happy today? Could be hubby bringing you a nice cup of tea? Anything that has made you smile? Try to focus on a happy/positive thing from today, if you can steer your mind to something good this helps us to navigate our minds elsewhere, then will take you out of dispare, even if it's only for a few mins.
My friend put on FB yesterday, even if I say to my friends not to come round, pls ignore me and still come round, my home may not be tidy/clean but I'll always have a seat free on my sofa, 2 clean mugs and rest is history! Have Ur friends round, they don't come to see Ur home, they come to see you! Real friends don't care about any mess, you need the interaction and warn them that you may nod off but to still keep chatting and you'll have a lovely time, you both will. It's not just yourself that will benefit from a visit, they will too as may need advice from you, friendship works both ways.
Try and do what you can, try and move a little, can you take a little walk outside? Do you have a garden that you can sit out in? If it's nice weather then being outside is much better than inside, you got to get vitamin D whilst we can and this will lift you too.
If you look up free apps for soothing music or voice commands this is really good for lying down to and meditate, your mind will wander and this is really good for you, pls steer clear of hypnosis as you mentioned personality disorder, this may not be ok for you but other positive apps will be very good.
Remember to be kind to you! Everyone is rooting for you x x
Hi, having read your post, I just wanted to say that I understand about not being able to do the simplest things, like a bit of housework, I feel so debilitated at times, my brain does not allow me to function, its like if I do my body will be paying for it. I'm feeling just that little bit better today, so I'm going to start gradual, just by going for a walk. Please try to stay positive, you are worth it. Just by talking to others is a start.
I am going to try doing a little bit and then stopping for a break maybe try doing something for 15-20 minutes, then stopping for 30 minutes and resting and starting again and see how it goes. My problem is and always has been that I push myself too far and have standards so high that even I can't live up to them. It's either do it perfectly or not at all, most of this is due to my BPD. Am in longterm therapy so maybe it'll teach me to lower my standards.
Sorry you are suffering. Physically I find it better to get things done earlier rather than later in the day, and when I'm lacking in motivation I try to do one thing before giving myself a treat (a cappuccino or an enjoyable read etc.) Doing one thing (no matter how small) a day helps you feel more positive - or at least it does me. Some days when I can't do more than make the bed I tell myself tomorrow will be better.
I must admit I am finding it virtually impossible to have any positive thoughts at the moment and I don't hold out much hope for the future and I feel like I'm being constantly judged by others whose,attitude is stop whinging and get on with it and stop feeling sorry for yourself, you could be worse off.
If you have told people about your condition and they call it "whingeing", the answer is to just get on with what you have to do until you can't anymore. Then you do whatever you need to do to take control of the pain - some stretching, some sitting down, take a walk, a painkiller - whatever your body dictates you need. Don't call attention to yourself or say anything to anyone; just "get on with it", as they say, and take care of yourself in whatever way is best for you. It will be interesting what they say when you just do that. Yes - you could be worse off but if you were worse off you probably wouldn't be there. Your responsibility is to make sure you don't become worse off. All any of us can do is our best. Try smiling more. Not only is it contagious but it can actually raise your mood. Gentle hugs, Maggie
Thanks for that but I find it hard not to go through life with the "woe is me" attitude and have done this for most of my life, have suffered from chronic stress since childhood (very long, sad tale) so trying to change my "attitude " at 59 is hard going. I will do my very best to try to change but old habits die very hard. Thanks for your support.
Keep yer pecker up. You only have to act "as if".
Not sure what you mean, probably just my brain, please explain 🤔
Sorry - I read all your posts but the most recent seemed as if you were talking about a job where your colleagues were passing comments. Same applies to housework. My partner can't understand why I can't always finish a chore yet he does very little. We have to remember that we are not the only ones living in a house so why should we be the only one doing the chores, especially when we struggle to do them. My partner yells at me when I sit down out of breath, saying I'm ruining my lungs, when there's nothing wrong with my lungs - just pain (that he was the cause of), fibromyalgia and lack of oxygen in the blood. He thinks that my Home Help does all the housework in one and a half hours once a week! So who cleans up after him the rest of the week? I don't like living in mess so I can't just leave it. Except I don't clean the areas he generally claims as "his". There has to be a way we can cope without paying for it physically. It's hard to ask for help, isn't it?
Oh dear, poor you. Your partner appears to be selfish and I'm sorry to say a male chauvinist. This may not be the case but sounds like your are really suffering and he's not doing anything to help. I don't know what to say except hope things improve for you sending you hugs 🤗
Thanks, sobs1962. That's the tip of the iceberg, I'm afraid. I've just struggled round Aldi (after my chiropractic appointment) and unloaded two bags of shopping into the fridge etc. only to find him asleep in the living room. He's very unaware and can sleep through anything. Things are not going to improve because any changes in a person's behaviour are best done before they reach the age of 80! I just have to take care of myself - like I was advising you to do! Hugs to you, too.
Hello, ask your GP to refer you and your husband to an Occupational Therapist. I know lots of people who have an OT and it has helped them greatly. 🌞
I always thought occupational therapists were there for people who've had strokes and have severe disabilities as our daughter saw both a physiotherapist and a an OT when she was alive due to her cerebral palsy. We lost her in 2007 age 14 and that has had a huge impact on both my physical and mental health.
i feel very much the same,and i am ashamed of my home right now because of an accident i can barely do a thing,and it does pain me as normally my home is spick and span....but i am trying not to worry about it to much,I do feel for you and i sincerely hope you can get over this hurdle.
Hello sobs. It’s late so I haven’t managed to read anyone’s replies but I am sure that they have all been very supportive and without a doubt from your msg you need that right now 🤗I don’t think that how you are feeling can be underestimated. Our own, no matter how small dwellings, a roof over our heads and our essential sanctuaries if we are even blessed with this are so major to us and our self esteem and lives that when we aren’t able to manage the upkeep, it’s not surprising at all that it has an awful effect on us. I myself find my 1 bed flat exhausting to keep clean. I’m a Carer and literally need a cleaner, obviously I can’t afford one and so have to just do what I can and it does get me down but I am fortunate to have a wonderful daughter that gives my home a a spruce up and keeps things under control otherwise I really don’t know what I would do 🥲.I can’t even manage to change my sheets😞it’s a terribly sad way to live but unfortunately this is without a doubt how many people are’not’ coping and it’s just the tip of the ice berg. I have spoken to my manager this week and she has been so understanding and supportive I am truly lucky.I am cutting down starting two days per month to see how I can manage financially and although I am daunted by the prospect very much going to have to put a PIP application in and see if I can retrieve some pay that way.Please try not to let things impact on you as you as all of us have so much more to contend with daily. Love, 🤗🤗🤗s and xxxx
Thanks so much, I just wish I could learn to be easier on myself but my BPD means I hate myself and it's exhausting both physically and mentally and I believe that everything has to be perfect or it's not worth doing, hopefully therapy will help me to have a more positive attitude towards myself and the world, we can only hope. Thanks for your support.
I hope you manage to get things sorted. I haven't been able to work because of my mental health for two and half years now and would like to work if possible again but once an employer knows you have mental health problems, they are extremely unlikely to employ you and I know that's discrimination but they know that you're more likely to have time off sick, so I will struggle to get a job I think, but we'll just have to see what happens going forward.
Oh I understand what you are going through with the depression, back pain and lack of motivation and loss of energy. I too have have MDD, Back issues, fibromyalgia, CFS/ME along a host of other conditions. Looking for help if once a month is an option for vacuuming and cleaning the bathrooms and mopping could be of help. I had someone who helped twice a month for a year or two before that fell through. I’m in the process of getting someone out now. Will see if this one shows up. If you have children or close family that would be willing to help that would be awesome but I know it is hard to ask. Siblings get too busy with their healthy life and don’t really understand our pain. I’m sorry you are having to go through this. Have you talked with your doctor about adjusting or better yet the DNA test for which antibiotics works best with your body? That would be a start. Second would be seeing a pain clinic about your back pain. I wish I could offer more help. Gentle hugs 🤗💕💜
Hi I haven't read all the comments so sorry if someone has posted something similar. The main thing is I feel for you and have had proper meltdowns in the past because I couldn't do housework. I'm only in my 20s and it's frustrating being so limited. Also my mental health is worse when things are dirty/cluttered, it's all I can think about when I need to rest.
A few things that have helped me:
I ordered a robot vacuum. I was very skeptical about it but it works great and now that's one less thing to worry about.
I do housework in 5 or 10 minute chunks and pick times of the day when I feel my best.
I usually keep my clean washing in a basket for a week and put away a week's worth at a time so I can focus on other things.
Some days I can't do anything and I just accept that. It took me awhile to accept I wasn't being lazy and to remember what I used to do when I was well. The main thing is don't push yourself too hard when you're well because if you make yourself sick again, it's not good for you, and I also find it makes me associate pain with whatever task I was doing and its more a battle to do it the next time.
Sleepyhead22, Can I please ask you where did you order your robot vacuum from.? I’ve been thinking about one of these vacuums for a while but thought they may be rubbish.
I suffer with fibromyalgia, osteoporosis, osteoarthritis and spondylolisthesis for which I’m waiting on back surgery, depression and anxiety.
I live in a 3 bed bungalow with my husband and son who has learning disabilities. Would a robot vacuum suit me do you think? ☘️
I got it from amazon. My place is smaller and it usually manages to get through the whole flat. It sometimes goes over the same spot a few times but I don't mind as it still manages to get most of the dirt especially using it everyday. Sometimes I lock it in one room to focus on.The only issues with it is if you have places it could get stuck, like under desk chairs or table and chairs. And I also check there's no food on the floor it could squash (one time it spread a blackberry from the kitchen all over the livingroom carpet).
I empty it after use and its almost always full, even when I didn't think the floor was dirty.
It returns home itself unless it gets stuck somewhere.
I'm really happy with it and it's made a difference for me. I guess it'd depend on if there's a lot of places it could get stuck in your place but it's pretty good at menuvering itself.
The shame of not being well enough or strong enough to do housework is a very real issue for so many of us!!! My home got really bad because of associated depression (not sure which came first the depression or the unkempt home!) and eventually after years of sadness I decided to employ a cleaner from a company. I spoke to the manager who was very empathetic and paired me with a very understanding cleaner... No judgements at all despite my own self hatred! When they first came they just did one room in 2hours moving everything and cleaning very thoroughly while I directed where things ought to go... and then the second visit they did another room very thoroughly from top to bottom and quickly did a light clean on the original room. Next time I gave them another room to do and a light clean of the previous two rooms and so gradually I built up safe sanitary areas where there was no deep grime! The positive influence it had on my mental health was a joy! The incentive to keep the three areas lightly wiped changed my outlook completely and I was able to consider inviting a friend round for a cuppa if they then carried everything for me (they did usually wash up too!) back and fore to the kitchen...
Gradually after many months I got 8 areas spring-cleaned from to to bottom so regular cleaning became more 'normal' for my cleaner... She was patient and kind and I was very grateful to have her and be able to pay for the cleaning UNTIL THE PANDEMIC STRUCK!!!
It all stopped with the threat of COVID and of course the associated depression about myself and my surroundings re-surfaced!!!
So, I have had to start again with the same plan of cleaning one room intensively at a time. Only had one session so far and a few cancellations, but I am determined to pursue the same method of cleaning up because I know it will pay dividends for my mental health as I strive to invite someone in again...
It certainly worked for me in the long run but obviously I am very aware of the sadness and frustrations you feel... I do have 3 rooms where the cleaners never go because I never use them anymore... Our lives get smaller and our homes become more of a sanctuary whilst we become gravely debilitated!
However, I hope to succeed again...
I can't bend low or reach high so there has been a lot of reorganisation during this cleaning regime. Only certain shelves can be reached!!! I manage to get my shopping delivered and then I have the energy to focus on feeding myself and following a few pleasant activities I enjoy... It's a reduced life but if I need the whole day resting I know my home won't disintegrate into a 'dirty pit'!!! However, the garden which is tiny is another area of frustration and I have asked a gardener to help... It will be 2022 before it is straight and weed-free but even the slow progress keeps my vision on the brightly coloured geraniums and not the weeding that I can no longer bend down to reach...
Fibromyalgia is a very grave concern but keeping one's mental health afloat given our very restricted world is my main aim!!! I look for the tiny pleasures now and of course as a depressive who has become more of a realist through the pain and discomfort of fibro I am trying to face forward... I hope you can too???
Thanks, having fibromyalgia on it's own would be bad enough but add in major depressive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and hypothyroidism and your in dire straights. Doctors don't do much to help as they don't understand or care it would seem, so we need to try and help ourselves as the NHS has literally gone down the pan.
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