I saw the blog about friends and family yesterday and wanted to share something that I wrote a couple of years ago for friends of some friends of mine. It was a kind of guide for friends and families of people suffering from infertility based on some of the things (good and bad) that happened to us or to friends of ours during our long and painful journey. It's a very personal viewpoint, but hopefully it may be useful to others in some way...
With an estimated 1 in 6 experiencing some kind of problem conceiving I imagine almost everyone reading this will have at least one or two friends in that situation, although they may not necessarily have felt able to tell you yet. Although it is something that is impossible to really understand if you haven’t been there, friends and family who are willing to listen, and to try and understand can make a huge difference.
When we found out we weren’t going to get pregnant naturally it was simply devastating, like nothing I had ever been through before. The one thing we had both always wanted so much just wasn’t going to happen and we had a regular monthly reminder of this as time and time again our bodies failed to do what should happen so naturally. The reactions of our friends and families varied wildly, and as a result of this we have some friends 6 years on who we are closer to than ever, and some who we haven’t seen in years and have no intention of ever seeing again. Here are just a handful of the things that really haven’t helped!
“You’re lucky to have your freedom – my kids are an absolute nightmare!”
Kids might be a nightmare, but we want to find that out for ourselves!
“You can have mine!”
You know you would never give your kids up and your friends would give their right arm for them, so just don’t say it!
“Are you doing it right?”
Yes – people really do say this!
“Maybe you should relax...“
It won’t make a difference, and even if it would, it’s impossible to relax under so much pressure to conceive.
“I know it will work” / “I know you’ll get there eventually”
HOW do people know this? We didn’t know it, our doctor didn’t know it and sadly it’s not unheard of for people not to get there eventually. This is said with the right sentiment but it generally makes the person receiving the comment feel more desperate and that you really don’t understand how they are suffering and just adds to their feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
These are just a few, I could write a book with the comments that we’ve had over the years, but although the specific comments can be hurtful, it’s more often the actions and attitudes that can make or break friendships. I’ve listed below just a few of the things that friends did to help us, or that we wished they had done...
• Cut them some slack at major events if they can’t face them – Christenings are nigh on impossible to handle so please don’t be offended if your friends just can’t cope with attending, Mother’s day is simply heartbreaking, birthdays are a reminder that you’re getting older without a baby yet, Christmas is all about families and children, the list goes on...
• Talk to them about how they feel. It could be that they are happy to spend time with your children and to hear about them, or it could be that they feel their heart is being ripped out every time you mention them – everyone is different, and the only way to know how they feel is to ask them
• For some reason, lots of people find it much harder when faced with a bump than a baby, so your friends may struggle to see you while you are pregnant, but find it easier when you have the baby
• Be sensitive with things like scans and pregnancy/birth announcements. Chances are your friends will be very happy for you, but it may take some time for this happiness to surface through the feelings of “will it ever be my turn”, and it is inevitable that things like this will be upsetting for them. Receiving a copy of your latest scan picture by email when she’s at work and having a bad day because her period has just arrived will be likely to send her running to the loos in tears. Just pick your time for anything like this, don’t cut them out of the loop entirely, but be sensitive about when and how you break news or share your excitement.
• Pick your audience when you need a good old moan. You might be feeling like a beached whale with swollen ankles or struggling to cope on 1 hour of sleep a night, but remember that your friends would give anything to be in your position, so they’re really not the best people to offload to on this occasion!
• Remember that infertility affects the whole couple, not just the female partner. He will be feeling it too and if he has an understanding friend to talk to it can make a huge difference and in some cases save the relationship from falling apart.
• Educate yourself about what they are going through. They might not want to tell you all the ins and outs themselves, but most will appreciate friends who make an effort to inform themselves. If they are going through IVF, find out what is involved in the treatment, the likelihood of success, etc, so that you can support them appropriately. Organisations like Infertility Network UK (infertilitynetworkuk.com) can give you information that can give you a far better understanding. Just making the effort to find out sends such a strong message that you care.
• Try to accept that your friend is likely to be a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde about it – sometimes they may want to discuss every last detail of their treatment and feelings and other times they may want to pretend it’s just not happening. This can be confusing to deal with, but try to take your cue from them on whether they want to talk or not.
• Don’t ignore them! Lots of people shy away from infertility in the same way as they shy away from bereavement, but ignoring them or not talking about it just makes it feel like you’re not interested and don’t care. You might not always know what to say, but just letting your friends know you’re there if they want anything will mean the world to them. The best response I ever had from a friend after a failed IVF cycle was a voicemail that simply said “I don’t know what to say but I’m here if you need me”. I did need her, and she was there for me. Just a simple hug can say what words just can’t express.
I must add that this is purely my opinion and based on things that have happened to friends of mine and to us during our 6 year struggle to become the family we so desperately wanted to be. Everyone is different, and your friends might react differently, but some of the above will almost certainly still be true. More than everything else, be understanding, listen and don’t expect too much from them. Realise that you won’t get it right all the time, but your friends will appreciate the fact that you are trying!
x
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