Hi folks, I've been lurking for awhile reading all your posts, and after yet another day of lying in bed staring at the ceiling and wishing I were dead, I figured it was time to reach out and find some other people who understand what I'm going through.
My story will be very familiar to most of you; I'm 38 and at 4.5 years of ttc with unexplained infertility. It took about two years to work up the courage to speak to my GP, and another two to finally get our NHS referral for IVF due to lost test results, repeated tests, lost referrals, general incompetence. In the end I had to start phoning them almost every day for a couple of months to make it happen. In the meantime, a very dear (and needless to say wealthy) friend paid for us to do a cycle of IVF privately which was unsuccessful. Now that we finally have our NHS referral (we're entitled to 2 cycles and 4 transfers where we live), we've just learned that they are taking one of the cycles away from us because we went private while we were waiting. I know I shouldn't complain because many people get zero (although we should ALL be entitled to three!!!), but I feel so angry and frustrated. If we'd known it would make us lose one of our NHS cycles we would never, ever have gone ahead with a private cycle. I feel like we're being punished.
But that's only part of the story. The real worrying problem is my mental health. The infertility has led to episodes of very severe depression. This past autumn, it got so bad that I couldn't get out of bed - I would just lie there and cry and thinking how I would rather be dead than infertile. If I managed to make it as far as the shower, I would just stay in there for hours crying, unable to get out. I saw my GP and was referred for mental health help. In the end, they put me on a four month waiting list for online CBT. "Talk to a computer in four months' time! In the meantime, good f*****g luck!!" I had no choice but to see a private counsellor - which I can't afford, but who I'm still seeing every two weeks.
Some days are ok and I feel like I'll get through it, but many days I don't want to be alive anymore if I can't be a mother. We just bought a house, which I should be excited about, but all I can think about is how it's empty and how I don't want to live here if there isn't a family inside. To make things worse, a very dear friend who never ever wanted children - doesn't even really like them - had unprotected sex once - ONCE - and now has a brand new beautiful baby girl that she doesn't even want. When I asked her a week before the baby was born if she was excited she said "Meh, whatever. It will happen. It is what it is". Meanwhile, my only friend who was also having infertility problems and was supposed to be my partner through all of this, conceived naturally and just gave birth two days ago. At least she's very sensitive to what I'm going through, but I can't help but hate her.
And so here I am at 38, feeling like soon I will have no friends left because they are all too busy with their babies, or feel too awkward to talk to me because they don't know what to say, or I just can't bear to be near them and their families because it hurts too much knowing I cannot have my own.
My first IVF was emtotionally traumatic. We did a mild stimulation, fragmented due to risk of OHSS, and ended up with two in the freezer. I've done one unsuccessful transfer of a three day top quality embryo. I have one 5 day poor quality blastocyst still in the freezer. I'm doing another stimulation cycle this month, starting in about a week's time. I can't believe I'm doing this again. The first time wasn't physically bad, but it almost killed me emotionally. Especially as it was dragged out over several months due to fragmentation.
My husband is a good sport, but is only doing all of this because of me. He'd be happy either way, whether we did or didn't have kids. I feel like when I'm having a big meltdown he doesn't have a clue how to react or what to do with me. My being upset just makes him upset so I try to hide it from him. He's worried that I will never be happy and feels insecure because he's clearly not enough for me; I will only ever be happy if I have a baby.
All this to say, infertility is s**t. I feel awful pretty much all the time. I feel alone and isolated. I feel like no one understands and even if they do, there is not a damned thing they can do to make it better. I feel full of self-loathing. I fantasise about taking a knife a slicing out my entire reproductive system and flushing it down the toilet. Although, I don't think I'm at a risk of suicide, I will admit that I often think about how I want to stop existing rather than feel this pain all the time.
So that's me. I thought maybe meeting some of you ladies (and gents!) might help me along.
Sarah
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TheSpeedyDiva
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Sorry you feel alone. It's very hard on us ladies. I also feel like nobody really cares and that I am to blame myself for not be able to have children naturally.
I know I shouldn't be I was turning to drinking to foget how bad I feel inside. I would just drink most weekends to forget the pain.
You can't put your life old hold you need the help you need and do you have family you can talk too? This website is great for sharing stories and seeing how everybody else is doing. Everyone has there own struggles I wish you the best and your only 38 im starting ivf again next week private and I will be 43 in September. Never give up on something keep trying and hang in.
You won't feel like this forever and let your husband help you.
I so relate to the feeling of blame... I'm 39 and for the past three years have been blaming my infertility on the age of my eggs/my stress levels. Finally got some extra blood tests done and it turns out hubbie has a chromosome problem, which has been there since birth. Didn't really realise how much stress I had been putting myself under until it was taken away... turns out even if we'd been young and relaxed I probably would not be having his babies naturally. It's awful what we do to ourselves with our thoughts. Please try not to blame yourself. As my hubbie has said all along, there's no blame in this game... it's only now that I'm in a scenario where I 'could' blame him that I realise there really isn't blame in this. There's just no point in allowing ourselves to feel guilty/at fault. We are doing all we can in difficult circumstances.
Hi Sarah
Welcome...
That's a pretty crappy place to be in right now and attempt a new cycle.
You will find on here many of us that have at some point am sure felt worthless and self loathing being infertile but what you will also find here is that many of us realise 1 very important thing too that WE HAVE STRENGTH BEYOND OUR IMAGINATION.
This journey sends you to hell and back and eve when you think you are successful with a BFP then an unlucky few of us it's turns around and rips your heart out and you actually feel totally totally unexplainably like a failure, however there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I won't go into my story but if you bread my posts you can see where I have been and sometimes still go there.
No one will judge you on here for how you are feeling but 1 thing with IVF is before you start it you have to be right with yourself, your life shouldn't be measured or invaluable if you can't have kids... you are in a really bad place and personally I would guide you to getting your mind right before embarking on another cycle, getting to a place to feel that you and hubby will be ok if you don't have a family this journey takes a serious toll on a marriage or relationship it tests all boundaries and ruins friendships and sometimes relationships.
Some of us are culprits to not realising that husbands and partners go through this too, even though they don't take the meds they too have the tests not as many but they have them and they also go through the emotional journey in their own right so for our men we have to be sure they are important as they were there before baby and will help pick up pieces when it fails or something goes wrong they will be there.
It's very good that you are having counselling and I would keep that up have you tried mediation it's meant to be really good we are both going to start before our final 7th and final go...
Like I said above take time to right yourself and put your mind in a palace where you not feel like isn't worth it if you can't conceive totally get it but IVF is a journey that you need strength, health, determination, stress free, support, understanding and even when days are bad a smile to say "F**K YOU IVF YOU WONT BEAT ME"
I wish you well and hope you do fim the place you need to be xx
Morning Sarah, gosh your story will sound so familiar for so many different people on here in lots of different ways.
I've learnt on my journey (of about 6/7 years) that my energy is far better spent upset and dealing with things I can control. I can't control misplaced test results or lengthy waiting times; I can't control that I was mis-diagnosed for 3/4 years. But I can control how it all makes me feel. I can control how I deal with seeing friends pregnant - it took a while but I put my effort in to that instead eventually. And sometimes now it doesn't always work.
It sounds like you're having a rotten time. But this is the best place to come. So many women have helped me to rant, cry, laugh and find hope xx
Hi Sarah, welcome to the forum. I've found this a great place for support and although it can't solve the situation it sure does help to feel a little less lonely. Infertility is really tough and there is lots to learn, not only about yourself but as a couple!! Wishing you all the best!!xx
Hi Sarah, so glad you've found this forum. The ladies on here are an inspiration! This journey is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and for me the toughest thing is that I don't know when it will end. Gosh I've had so many down days where I just want to fast forward through all this crap. For me, clomid was the worst part as it made me very depressed and made me lose hope.
I know how hard it is but the ladies are right, you need to look after yourself and your husband first and foremost. I'm trying to get my head straight after my bfn 3 weeks ago. It's hard and some days I'm ok others I'm a mess, but I'm writing in my diary, including a joy journal (something my counsellor recommended), coming on the forum, spending time with my dh & trying to keep busy and productive. (On summer holidays at the moment - sometimes think it would be better if I was at work!)
Anyway just wanted to say that all of us on here can relate to your journey. I wish that none of us were going through it. We just have to keep supporting each other (as everyone on here is so brilliant at doing) and putting one foot in front of the other xxx wishing you love & luck xxx
On here you will meet lovely people all going through the same thing,
Ttc / ivf is a very hard place and takes only the strong people to face it,
I've been ttc for over 10 years in total,
Like you my first experience of the NHS didn't go to plan was the wrong age in the wrong area so we went private for our first cycle in 2011 which was unsuccessful which was possibly due to me having hydrosalplinx (can't ever remember to spell it).
We found this out at nearly the end of the cycle and choose to carry out as we didn't really understand and as we come so far we didn't want to give up, or lead to poor Egg response only 4 and only 2 fertilised, and wasn't very good grades at all, so they put them both back, and it resulted unsuccessful, after this I was told to have a lap which I paid for privately (all funded by in laws) I should of gone back to NHS and gone through them but I was so depress to get things moving. After the private lap operation they removed my tube as it was badly by the hydrosalplinx and the remaining one was fine. Was told to try for 6 months, after 6 months and nothing happening just gave up, gor really down and depressed my friends and family, work colleges all having babies half of them if not more not even planned,
I moved away from home when I met my partner in 2001 and after all everything we was constantly bickering. And I was just constantly miserable ", each month I'd have a total breakdown when af arrived, in 2014 we decided to rent our house and move back to my home place and save , my hubby commutes to work and if tired of to late he says at his parents, and I live with my grandad to help us save for another round when I'm ready,
But being home didn't make me happy it made me feel more alone than never more depressed so I went to doctors in my home place in April 2015 and they adviced me to try though them said I'm entitled to it so I'd be silly, blood test after bloods, results missing, having to have redone waiting and waiting, eventually get my first consultation through and it was October 2015, just couldn't believe how long, then was made to have more test as ones at gp was wrong. Had to have a hsg April 2016 where they found my hydrosalplinx had gone to my last tube and I wasn't allowed to be referred until this was sorted, my 3rd lap operation had done in December 2016, follow up was Feb 2016 on Valentine's Day then they i should of been referred but on no when checking through and ticking off they found I wasn't immune to rubella so was delayed again! Had to have a rubella vaccine then wait a month to be tested which I did, soon as they had that result I was referred finally. Had my consultation in April 2017 and started my treatment on 18th July I'm currently on the dreaded 2ww,
Praying that it works, again like you I lost 1 cycle due to paying privately for one,
I do generally hope you get the help needed from your doctor, can't believe they wanted to make you wait 4 months in your state of mind absolutely crazy, And I wish you all the luck on the world for your 2nd cycle and never give up on your dream,
The support on here is amazing
So please if you ever down and find you have no one to talk to there's loads of us on here that know what your going through and can help, don't ever feel your alone.
Big hugs 🤗 and lots of luck 🍀🍀🍀
If you ever wanna chat feel free to pm me on here xx
Hi Sarah, welcome. Your story was so honest and heartfelt, it really touched me. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer, but do know you are not alone and there is lots of sincere support on this site. It has been a total lifesaver!
I too have suffered infertility related depression and I don't want to sound glib when I say that a series of bad days/weeks/months do not equal a bad life. I feel sure you have so much to offer all those who know you,even if it doesn't feel that way to you. The dark days do eventually end, so keep fighting. And talking. We are all here tol listen and support you xxx
Does the hospital offer counselling? That might be better for you as fertility issues is what they specialise in rather than the general one your GP could send you to.
Well done for opening up & I hope it helped slightly.
Hi Sarah, you have done the best thing by opening up how you feel. It won't take it away but I promise you you're not alone.
I used to feel like a complete failure when we first started trying and failing to make a baby. But over time, and through this forum, I can see I'm far from a failure. Anyone who does what we do could never ever be a failure. Never.
If you're still on the books of a fertility clinic they should offer counselling. Mine was free in NHS clinic, not sure if free in private clinics?
Hang in there and vent and ask for help on here whenever you need to. I have found it to be the biggest help out of anything else xxx
Hi Sarah, just saying hi really. Sounds like you've been having and still are having a tough time. You've certainly come to the right place. You will see many of us in the depths of despair one minute, replaced by hope the next. I hope you can get in a good headspace for your next round - no thanks to the NHS, it's good you're seeing a private counsellor. It's such a tough journey. We too had a bfn and are gearing up for a FET. Paying privately after only allowed one try in the NHS which produced 0 eggs. Fortunately hubby is a penny pincher and so has some money in the bank - left to me it would be a case of getting loans. It's a scary journey. This time I'm going to try to approach with a 'whatever will be will be' attitude. I know it will be devastating if it doesn't work but I'm trying to manage my expectations a bit to help minimise the fall. We'd try again I think but only so many times. I'm getting stronger and beginning to see that for us a life without children may be where we end up or we will look at adopting. We'll see. I didn't think I'd ever feel like that. I've always wanted children, more than most of my friends and family and do feel a lot of pain whenever friends announce difficulty free pregnancies. But somehow it's getting easier knowing that we are trying our best. I really didn't ever think I'd be able to say that. I don't know what I'm trying to say really, just sharing where I am at right now. I've suffered depression in the past, not fertility related. It was a dark and difficult time. I found that the best advice I found for myself from it was to be kind to myself. To know my limits and take care of myself. Many people on here have been through a few rounds of treatment and some are now nervously carrying babies on board. It is a bit of a numbers game it seems. So try not to give up hope. Try to find some things that make you happy each day. It's hard when your hubby doesn't show he is bothered but perhaps he's playing it down because he wants you to know that whatever happens he loves you and wants to be with you. Lots of people never find that. I wish you lots of luck for your next steps. Xx
It just breaks me when i have to read stories like this - you have to realize that no matter what you are an important part of our society, and that positive mind brings a lot of beautiful things! My friend was trying for 5 years actively and last summer they succeded !
Oh Sarah, I SO SO know EXACTLY how you feel. I am 44 and my husband and I are in our mid 40's. After five years of not conceiving naturally, we too went to the NHS and got fobbed out and told to bugger off and keep trying. Putting it mildly, we were considered too old and current government policy means that they actually discourage people our ages.
I had clinical depression and moved from bouts of rage to days where I couldn't even get up in the mornings to floods of tears day in and day out.
I behaved extremely badly when my husband's brother and his wife went through IVF and succeeded first time. I was quite riled up and quite vile towards them, my in-laws, and the new baby....I'm quite ashamed that I behaved that way. My husband's cousin lost a twin at birth and slowly through talking to her and others like her.....and ironically my brother-in-law talking to his brother, my husband....we decided to do private IVF. We have the funding through a private personal loan for egg harvesting, and two embryo transfers.
The most sickening thing is that it took us 24 hours to find out what the NHS failed to tell us in five years because they did not give a shit. It is going to cost us a small fortune but I am more sane now than I have ever been. There are a great deal of obstacles in out way still but our mantra has always and will always be...one day at a time!
Keep communicating with your husband, take every chance offered and God Bless you in every instance.
Sarah, welcome to the forum and so many will be able to relate to how you feel. You won't be alone on here. I too have struggled with mental health due toninfertility and it's so tough. Wishing you all best and keep the lines of communication open with people on here- trust me I believe it may help....
Welcome, Sarah! I can understand you. I have 2 sisters, one younger and one older. With both I am very close, but much more with my older sister. She has 2 daughters and when I tell her my problems, she tries to understand me and gives me support, but it is not enough. My younger sister has no children, so she understands me the least. In short, I feel alone most of the time. My mother is quite positive and tries to help me in everything, also my husband. However it is not the same. When you have infertility, only people with the same problem can understand you, or that's how I feel.
I hope you can find good friends here. I'm sure you'll find a lot of support just like me.
xx
I really really really wish I could do something to help you. I don't know you but I feel so much empathy for you... I
It's not your fault feeling like that, it's natural. And, I know It sounds rubbish when It comes from people that already have kids, but It is true that life can be good and offers you a lot of things while waiting...
I've also been in bed hours unable to move, wishing I could go far where nobody I know sees me. I have had nonsense thoughts like every month the egg I flush through the toilet with my period is another baby I haven't been able to save. I don't want to see my pregnant friends and Friends with kids and feel awful for that. I would like to live like everything is going to be alright at the end, but very often is too difficult to believe..
I can just offer you that if It feels better to talk yo somebody, please pm me. Thinking of you!!
Hi. Just stopping by to give my support I too was in the battle of the postcode lottery with the NHS where I was repeatedly rejected because of my BMI which was 31(30.4 at one time and still said no). I went through months of depression ,binge eating you name it I done it. We too during the process brought a house but that didnt help nothing seemed to work this nearly ended my marriage but to cut a long story short. I got amazing support from my mum who helped me to save abit of money and In the end i had no choice but to took the plunge I took out a 10k loan because I want this at all cost. And no one is going to tell me otherwise.Dont let depression beat you . You deserve this. Keep postitve. Best wishes
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