Looking for egg donation advice

[lady_bird_]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and joined not because I'm looking to get pregnant but because I'm considering donating my eggs to a close friend. She's older and was told her eggs are no longer viable and she said she would rather use eggs from someone she likes than a stranger. My first instinct was to say yes but I was advised by my therapist to reflect on it a bit more. So I joined this group to try and get some insight from people who are in a similar position as my friend, your motivation, what you think of having a friend's egg over a stranger's, what you think it's important for me to consider etc. All advice is very welcome 😊

[2ndtimeivf]

I’m still currently going through IVF with my own eggs, but using donors is something that I’ve strongly considered after a failed first cycle.

For me I actually strongly prefer someone I didn’t know. With the exception of having a sister or close relative donate so they somewhat have my DNA.

This really is all my opinion and others might feel differently.

Reasons I didn’t want someone I know:

- what if I was end up dislikingthat person? What if I see aspects of their personality in my child?

- what if they don’t agree with my parenting? Would I feel awkward being around them with my child.

- how close would they be with my child? Would I feel I need to stay close?

-it would be like my husband and my friend having a kid together

- in the UK the child can find out info about their donor at 18, I feel that they would need to know they are biologically related to that friend at a younger age. How would that friend react? How would my child react? My child might want a close relationship with that friend and the friend might not, and vice-versa. Before the age of 18 I don’t think a child if mature enough to deal with the emotions of being rejected if that happens or vice-versa.

- how would knowing the donor at a young age affect my bonding with my child?

I think having a friend be the donor complicates things. Using an anonymous donor, you can tell your child at an appropriate age that they are donor conceived and that’s all they need to know until they are 18 and they are more emotionally mature to get to know more about their donor if they wish to.

To me, I agree with the therapist that you need to have a good think.

[2ndtimeivf]

Also to be aware, I absolutely salute anyone who does donate eggs. It’s a tough process, but much I know having been through IVF twice now.

It’s such a kind thing to do, and I really wish I’d know how awful infertility is when I was younger as I would have liked to have donated.

[Backagain987]

what a selfless thing to consider, you are clearly a lovely person.

We used donor eggs and were lucky enough to have a daughter from them. We did an unknown donor with just some info on hair colour, height etc.

it’s a very personal thing and I am sure a lot of people will disagree with what I say, but having a daughter from DE I have spent a lot of time wondering about her genetic mother, what she looks like, what her temperament is like etc., I think if I knew who it was and I knew my daughter looked like her or acted like her I would have been very aware every day that she wasn’t genetically mine. Whereas not knowing, whilst I do often still wonder, it isn’t all consuming and most of the time I forget she is donor and don’t see anyone else in her apart from my husband. So I personally feel I am pleased I don’t know the donor. But I am sure 50% of people probably disagree 😂

[Tnthketnf]

Like Backagain987 I have a daughter from DE treatment. Just a few weeks old. I used a clinic abroad that at the time offered anonymous donors. Unfortunately not ID release, meaning that even when my daughter is older she won't be able to find out the ID of the donor. Something that I would do different if I could turn back time. I do think after having joined Donor Conception Network that this is important for donor conceived people, to have the option. So I guess your friend's child will have this opportunity and without having to wait.

I also found myself wondering how my daughter would think about the donor and what will I feel about it. I put myself in an imaginary situation what if my genetic mother was different to the one who gave birth to and raised me. My thoughts were- and I hope my child will feel like that-that regardless of any curiosity and identity reflections that the roles would be clear. The fact that the donor would be in the background as a concept and not a physical person in her life will hopefully not blur the roles. I appreciate though that the mystery of who the donor is what they look like may equally trigger her curiosity and interest more than it would in a scenario that she knew the donor.

I also think that this can be a bit complicated if the donor is known to the recipient family and more crucially present in the child's life. There should be some discussions to navigate any issues of boundaries, level of involvement and a shared narrative for the child.

All these are not needed when the donor is a stranger and I guess from a recipient's point of view that's one complication less.

I hope you find these thoughts helpful.

Good luck to whatever you and your friend decide.

[Tinkertinkerbell]

That’s very kind of you to consider. I have just had a baby via DE. I’m very grateful to that amazing woman for donating her eggs. For me it was important that it was a stranger (although I did get to read a letter she wrote about herself which was nice). I can’t imagine it being a friend and I don’t think I would like it tbh. With the donor being a stranger it is easy for me to forget/not think about her not being genetically mine (I hated even typing that - because she is completely mine). Having the donor around as a friend would bring that to the forefront- surely your friend would be aware that she was from your egg and so would you? For me that would be uncomfortable. But that’s just me - everyone’s different x

[Weegran20]

hi ,My daughter used a friends donated egg and it resulted in twins . They are still great friends ❤️

[lady_bird_ in reply to Weegran20]

Ahhh I would love to know more! In terms of the process itself but also the dynamics and how they established boundaries.

[Weegran20 in reply to lady_bird_]

DM me

[Brightflowers]

I honestly wouldn't, unless you have great experience with friendships and this one in particular.

I also wouldn't if you haven't had your own children and completed your family. What if in the future you are unable to have your own child/meet your future partner late in life/etc. You could really resent your friend for having your biology if you don't.