*Trigger warning* pregnancy and dealing with infertility-related PTSD

[CyclingAddict]

It's taken me a long time to decide to post this here. After 3 years of IVF and 4 failed transfers, 1 chemical pregnancy and 2 egg collections, I'm finally pregnant with my little boy (22 weeks tomorrow). I feel so grateful to be here, but I'm still struggling with the psychological impacts of IVF.

I'm worried all the time that I'm going to lose him. I've had some pretty horrible nightmares where I'm having a miscarriage or (the worst one) my womb is being ripped out. I've had to run to the toilet multiple times during the nights to check I'm not bleeding. If I feel even the slightest bit of dampness in my underwear I have to quickly check it's not blood. I'm panicking when I don't feel him kicking for long periods of time and my partner has had to talk me out of getting private scans to keep checking on him. I still can't be happy when I see that someone has had a baby because I'm too worried about mine.

I've finally got here and I want to enjoy it, but it's like my brain won't allow me to. I haven't announced my pregnancy and only close family and my work colleagues (who I've had to tell) know because I'm so scared it won't work out again.

Any words of advice would be so welcome X

[CardiGrey]

Hi CyclingAddict. Really sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this. A lot of people on here have spoken about the impact of infertility/baby loss related trauma. Have you had access to any counselling at all or spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling? X

[Backagain987]

I’m so sorry you are going through this, I was exactly the same. My midwife had to force me to buy a babygro at my 28 week scan as I hadn’t bought anything as I was so sure I would lose her. Every scan led to panic attacks, then I was diagnosed as high risk and it got even worse! I think I started ‘enjoying’ pregnancy at 35 weeks but even on the day of my delivery I was convinced something would go wrong. I had had six miscarriages (some ivf some natural) and seven cycles to get to that stage and I just felt it couldn’t actually go right.

Well it did, and she is now one. She will be our only child and I would do anything to go back and enjoy the build up, enjoy the attention you get when your bump blossoms, enjoy the planning etc. I can’t remember the first few months of her life I was so sure something b would go wrong, and how I long to go back and speak to the baby I see in the photos but don’t recognise. Most of all I wish I had listened to the advice to literally take one day at a time, celebrate being pregnant that day and celebrate being a day closer to meeting your baby. Acknowledge that planning and enjoying won’t cause any harm, and equally worrying won’t prevent things going wrong. Million’s of women have a baby every year, there’s no reason why you won’t be one of them. Sending a huge hug and many congratulations xx

[HollyT7]

No words of advice but I was completely the same. Didn’t actually tell anyone (other than parents) that we were pregnant until 21 weeks. I had to take the days hour by hour so I didn’t book a private scan and the place would be closed, each day was an achievement. Even when he was born I was like.. oh? Just keep rubbing that bump, get scans if they’ll make you feel better and keep believing xxx

[Kittykat198]

I felt exactly the same. Even until the moment he was placed on my chest, I was convinced he wouldn’t be born alive. We also didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was about 28 weeks. I was visibly very pregnant at that point too so not sure who I thought I was kidding

I don’t have magic words of wisdom but please do speak to your midwives. They are lovely people generally and they can always refer you to the perinatal mental health service.

If it helps anecdotally, I did feel better once I could feel him move more regularly.

[Luce_16]

hello dear,

All I can say is that I was the same - I didn’t buy anything for my baby until I was 30+ weeks (my husband at some point decided to start the baby shopping by himself!) because I was too scared to lose him.

When my beautiful boy was born, I couldn’t believe we had made it. I remember texting my best friend during the very first weeks of his life and be like “he’s such a blessing - I hope I won’t do anything wrong” etc.

Can I blame IVF for this? Maybe, maybe not. I reckon I would have been worried regardless of my fertility journey… all I know is that pregnancy is a wild, magical and worrisome period of a woman’s life.

Perhaps speaking with your consultant might help (it did help me indeed!). Please keep being positive, keep believing 💙 Lots of love and good energy to you and your little miracle

[Sansan87]

Hi there

First congratulations. Lovely news! And sorry to hear your journey has been so tough.

Sadly I think pregnancy after a struggle/losses does not come without its challenges. I found the anxiety almost debilitating.

One thing that helped me so much was the zita west pregnancy meditation. I listened to it a few times a day and it immediately relaxed me.

Good luck!!!

[Tigr]

You are not alone. Also bought stuff at 36 weeks and had extra scans. Do whatever helps you, it is difficult. A friend said awww, I hope you enjoyed pregnancy, it is such a special time and after IVF and some complications (that sorted themselves out) I was just thinking " you have no idea" and I was really jealous of the people that could just enjoy it. And felt guilty at the same time for not enjoying it because we got so far after so much heartache. All the (complex) feelings, and pregnancy hormones did not help. Started calming down gradually from 28 weeks. Did not believe it until baby was actually there though. You've got this. One day at a time. If you feel anxious about kicking, don't hesitate to go to hospital and have them check on baby. Sorts it out faster than waiting and worrying.

[Twiglet2]

I was the same, get the private scans…why wouldn’t you? It’s the only thing that calmed me! I was put on the ‘red path’ and had a consultant which meant monthly scans and I still had about 5 private scans in between. I didnt buy anything for the baby until 30 weeks as I just couldn’t believe it was actually happening! I had a previous miscarriage and bled with my successful pregnancy until 10 weeks with a hematoma so it had a shaky start which I think didn’t help at all. The people in the pram shop thought I was mad leaving it so late to buy one and I bought a car at 35 weeks pregnant could hardly test drive it with my bump but I wanted to make sure I needed that 5 door before committing! I did stop the worrying quite a bit around your stage though by listening to some calming podcasts before bed (I was having trouble sleeping too with all the hormones and peeing) and my dreams and thoughts changed to having my little bundle in my arms and being a mum etc more often than the scary ones gradually by about 32 I could start to enjoy things a little more, although still didn’t believe it would happen until he was in my arms. If that meditation and podcasts hadn’t worked I was going to speak with someone. Even now 3 years later I still get intrusive thoughts that I need to bat straight out my head that somehow all this happiness is going to be ripped away! I will be driving with the wee man and suddenly think ‘omg what if that lorry that is nowhere near us hits us’ 🤪🙄 I think it’s the IVF scars playing a part there but also that instinct of a mother to worry and worry some more!

There is a great forum on here for ‘pregnancy after fertility treatment’ that you will get a lot of support on as I see lots of people feeling like us on there if you maybe want to join that so you don’t feel bad posting about your worries 🤗 xx

[Megrumpy]

I was completely the same. My husband finally told me: "There is nothing we can do now one way or another, so might as well enjoy the journey." I cannot say i completely ever did, BUT I forced myself to think that there is nothing I can do every time the anxiety got too bad. At the end of the day, whatever happens, happens.

[Kitkat10]

hi, I felt exactly the same, it’s hard to enjoy it but just try and get through each day and trust in your body.

I’m currently 36 weeks with my second IVF baby and I still have those same nightmares as you. I have been twice to triage to check the baby as movements seem quiet. However when I got there, there were other ladies with non-ivf babies and we all had the same worries.

I think it’s natural and normal to be anxious after everything you have been through. I can 100% relate but I promise you, when he’s here, lots of those feelings disappear and like every other mum, there are new things to worry about. For me, IVF became a distant memory.

My first pregnancy felt like the longest 9 months ever, so I totally understand how you feel and I don’t have many words of wisdom because I feel and felt the same as you, but just to let you know, you’re not alone to feel like that and as time continues to pass, it does ease a little.

Good luck with everything, you are doing fantastic, keep going xx

[minny_223]

Big hugs to you. It’s deeply unfair that these feelings of trauma from your IVF journey are raising their ugly head during your pregnancy.

You’ve had a sheer battle to get to where you are, it’s no wonder you feel so scared. You’re an absolute warrior, and I hope you find a place of peace and calm that you deserve xxx

[nat55zt]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. My only advice would be to simply accept your fears and don’t force yourself to feel relaxed if you don’t.

I personally really envy people who have relaxed pregnancy without any anxiety but I guess that is mostly not the case for IVF pregnancies.

In my first pregnancy I don’t think I had more than 10 “optimistic and relaxed” days. I had strong pregnancy discharge so I was constantly checking if there is any bleeding. I didn’t buy anything for the baby until week 36 and I only told about 10 people about my pregnancy. I work from home so no one noticed 😂. My fear was that if I would get all excited and announced it publicly, it would be taken away from me. Irrational, but fear and need for self preservation can be stronger than any rational thought.

I could finally breathe again when she was born.

I don’t think medical staff understands this enough. While I was pregnant there was always mental health questionnaire at every appointment. Based on your answers you could get some help. However, the questions were about depression, self harm and domestic violence. It is great that they are screening for that but it also means that there is no help for people who are over the moon for being pregnant but are panicking that something will go wrong.

Anyway, I thought that second pregnancy would be different. No, it is all the same or even worse. However I am not beating myself up for feeling this way.

At 22 weeks you are quite close to the finishing line. I hope you will be able to enjoy your pregnancy more and more but if the anxiety doesn’t go away, don’t worry. There will be enough time to enjoy your baby once it is born. Take care!