This is the only place that people can relate to me I find
Does anyone else feel infertility is taking over their lives?
I am crying a lot over the last few days and having some panics
Is anyone else feeling low a significant amount of the time and struggling to see a time where happiness will prevail?
Even after my TFMR I still had hope but I feel that has completely been stripped away after our recent failed implantation - as it has been 4 years now and I'm about to have yet another birthday
I have specific worries about potential endometriosis and also am worrying about HPV virus as my last smear showed the virus. I'm worried donor clinics won't help me because of this.
Can anyone relate to this sadness?
Xx
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Skittles11
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I’m so sorry for all you have been through and I can’t claim to relate to what you’ve been through - i’m at the start of my IVF journey and have recently been told my AMH levels are so high that i needed to be tested for a cancerous tumour, this is after spending the last year gripped with anxiety and obsession as my medicated treatment cycles haven’t worked.
So i can’t claim to have been through what you have - and i don’t think anybody who hasn’t struggled with fertility will ever really get it - but i want to let you know you’re not alone. Because i’m on a mission to have a baby and it’s all that really matters, i worry about it all the time, google and visit forums obsessively, and find it really difficult to find joy in things in life i used to enjoy. I have had therapy for anxiety and depression, which helps a bit, but of course there's no magic cure. I think it’s tough because we don’t know if and when we will get the outcome we so desperately want, and life feels on hold until then. Life can feel so cruel and unfair. I hope this forum brings at least some solace that you're not the only one whose life is so taken over by it all xxx
I just wanted to send you a huge virtual hug. I also went through a TFMR during 4 years of waiting for a baby and was also completely consumed with the want for one. I had therapy and my relationship almost broke so many times.
All you can do is your best. It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to have a baby. Have faith and hope and stay strong. I am thinking of you and understand your feelings completely xx
I honestly can relate to this so much. It was a few years ago now but I hit a depression that I have never in my life felt before. I ended up having a bit of a break down. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I spent my time in bed in a dark room with the covers over my head ignoring anyone who came to the door. It was awful. I went to see a councillor and she really helped. Please talk to someone. I literally let everything out the poor woman didn’t get a word in edge ways. Felt ridiculous giving her £40 after the session. But that night I slept better than I had in months and I gradually started to feel better xxx
Hi there. Yes, very much can relate.Infertility and the battle to have a baby can be all consuming and I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with it all. I've struggled with anxiety most of life and IVF felt very out of my control, enough to send my anxiety to a new level. You're not alone.
Like others have said, if you haven't already, I'd suggest seeing a counsellor. I used a bereavement counsellor through the NHS and found it really helped. Even just to have someone remind you to be kind to yourself.
Remind yourself that you're doing all you can to have a baby, try not to be hard on yourself for how you're feeling, and take time out from planning/thinking about IVF when you can.
Absolutely with you Skittles. In fact, just today, I was in fertility counselling saying almost exactly what you described you are feelingI don't know if it helps, but my fertility counsellor normalised this for me, explaining it's completely understandable that such a horrible and heavy burden is taking its toll. She directed me to the fertility network UK 2022impact report, which gives some really harrowing stats based on surveys completed with people going through IVF. I think somewhere in the region of 86% of people get depressed going through this.
She also reminded me that whatever happens, these feelings won't last forever.
So hard, but be kind to yourself. You're the most important person in all this xxx
My counsellor said to me: “It’s not depression, it’s grief.”
That really hit home. What you (and many others are going through) is repeat trauma. Its grief over the lives lost, the hopes crushed, the perpetual feeling of isolation and “failure”. The anger at “why me???” It’s raw, it’s real and it bloody hurts like hell.
Only people who go through repeat loss (babies, embryos, cycles) understand that this seriously impacts mental health. It’s life changing.
I was so low I couldn’t see life beyond having a child. I cut friendships, I stayed in bed, I would have panic attacks at pregnancy announcements and I couldn’t function. It impacted my entire being. I couldn’t see a way out other than more and more and more cycles. I did nine in the end. I was obsessed.
What you are going through is normal for any human being who has endured so much pain and loss. The fact you are still standing; still reaching out to us, still here, still looking at options - that shows resilience and strength. Be kind to yourself and be proud that despite such trauma, you are not giving up. Not many people have that kind of courage. Be proud of you. I promise you this - in the not too distant future you will be giving those lessons of courage and persistence to your own children. Just keep going x
This made my eyes water.. it’s so true, I resonate with every word! We are all super strong amazing ladies. When I feel down I try to focus on positives in my life like my husband my family my dogs, I remind myself about good things even if it’s something really small and one of the positives is the fact that I still have hope, strength, faith and I am able to continue trying. I still have options and even if I’m ever left with no options I will know I tried my hardest and should feel at peace.
I’m sorry to hear your sad news ;( I think the last time we messaged each other was some time earlier this year when I was going through a difficult patch after my 2nd cycle was cancelled as I ovulated early. I’ve been through a 3rd cycle and honestly haven’t had the strength to post on here to share what happened as it was such a horrible experience yet again at a new clinic.
All I can say is I relate to all you have said. I’ve been consumed by fertility and trying and trying everything I can for 5 years now! It’s tiring and draining and so difficult with all the varying emotions that it’s hard to keep yourself contained.
I’ve finally begun to think that there must be more to life than all this! That Maybe I’m taking it too seriously and that’s part of the problem.
I’m sorry but I haven’t figured out a way to relax and be happy with life regardless of having a baby but maybe we owe to ourselves to try.
It sounds like you need some kind of break from it all and a recharge. Im taking a mini holiday in 2 weeks and am praying that will help change my mindset as otherwise depression and anxiety does creep in and that has never helped me be successful thus far.
Sending you the biggest hugs ♥️ and do reach out DM if u want to chat xxx
I’m so sorry, it’s such a challenging time. Yes I felt it too, I felt bleak and hopeless. I had panic attacks at night on my own. I cried a lot. I alienated myself from pretty much everyone. I couldn’t even expend the energy to talk to people at work unless I really had to. I lost interest in everything else just because, as you do, I wanted it so much and I was too terrified to imagine it wouldn’t work eventually.
I didn’t listen to the things that my very supportive dad told me but he was right and they apply to many people on this rough path; there are definitely options and there is definitely hope.
My heart really goes out to you because I can relate to everything you describe. It’s awful but try and keep going and moving forward and I do hope that soon there is some good luck x
I am sorry you feel this way and unfortunately can relate to it. After 5 cycles with different outcomes but no happy ending just loosing hope and struggle to convince my partner to even carry on trying. I had some holidays but put everything else on hold hoping for the best which just doesn’t come.
The way this journey makes us feel is horrible but let’s hope for the best…. Treat yourself to something you enjoy and try not to loose hope as that’s all we have xx
Hi Skittles,You shouldn't be sorry at all for adding a post, you are a very active member always offering others help, and i know you have replied to me before which I was very grateful for and it is a really great forum even for those that just take comfort from reading other posts.
Very related feeling of it being all consuming, always checking the day or symptoms or what else I could do, test or check. And the anxiety too of other people asking questions or saying something they don't realise is hurtful and lacking the ability to control. It does all fall on top heavier when you are on the downward part of the cycle. I know I am not great at sharing my emotions but find writing it down useful and I found that listening to this anxiety meditation track on Spotify calms me when I get really overwhelmed.
Recently had my birthday too and I used to love birthdays but last few years both that and wedding anniversary just feel like a reminder of another year past. So I definitely always feel sad for a small time on those days, then try to put on a brave face for everyone... well normally except my husband as I always feel better with telling him why I am feeling sad.
Wish I could help you more but I know you are very brave for the journey so far and will find your next steps xx
I certainly understand you. We got pregnant in June 2020 before we’d even started trying. I only got to enjoy it for a week before falling over & breaking my elbow…which resulted in a miscarriage. We’ve been trying ever since but I’m 42 so I know the odds are against us- the problem with meeting your partner later in life. We have done one round of IVF in which we got one really good embryo which was transferred. 5 days ago, we found out that it had failed. Of course, we were devastated. Then yesterday, my sister-in-law told us that she is pregnant….without trying & with her new boyfriend of just a few months. It feels like some cruel, cruel joke! All I’ve done in the last 24 hours is cry! I just keep playing over & over in my mind the moment she told us. I feel that what is already a really rough road has just got a hell of a lot rougher.
Just wanted you to know you are not alone in how you are feeling. There are so many of us.
Oh Skittles11, I wish I could give you a hug. I'm so sorry for all the pain and heartbreak you're going through. A TMFR on it's own is enough to make someone feel the way you do and you've had even more than that to do deal with. Please be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to process it all. If you are able to access some counselling I think that may help. Even if it's just to tell a counsellor how unfair it all is and they can help normalise your feelings. I've been really struggling too after two miscarriages and a failed FET. Plus I have other health issues that make it hard to conceive. What has been helping me is to let myself feel all my emotions. There are days where I do hide under my duvet as that is what I need and others where I go and see kind and supportive people or do something nice.
I did a quick Google search about HPV and what I read said is it shouldn't affect pregancy. Can you speak to your fertility clinic about this?
Sending you so many good wishes and I really hope your get to have a baby x
I just want to say I hear you, feel for you and get you. Infertility whether primary or secondary is such a real trial that only people who are enduring it can fully relate. I had alot of issues conceiving my first baby and suffered 2 pregnancy losses. In between my first and second baby I had secondary infertility with no explanation after various tests. I then fell pregnant after a long time of trying only to lose the baby. My husband and I have been trying to conceive again for 2 years now and nothing. I have adenomyosis as well. I know how mentally challenging it is every month to have to grieve what could have been. It really is grief. I want you to know you are not alone. I am really thinking about you. Maybe if you can book a break away somewhere. Be kind to yourself. I know how horrendous it all is. Sending you a big hug from someone who completely gets this struggle. X
Hi Skittles11
I totally understand how you’re feeling. I feel the same. I feel my life is on hold at the moment and there’s no hope. Sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this and hope others can guide you on how not to feel like this.
Hi, I wanted to just say that i haven't experienced the same as you but wanted to say that i too am going through these feelings. Feeling so down and a depressive state..my councillor too say that it's grief as someone else mentioned. I feel that the counselling does help me to air my worries/thoughts. We have been trying for around 10 years, 6 with IVF and haven't had a single implant. It's heart-breaking to think that my body won't do what it should.
I think you need to speak to another clinic or a donor one to find out your options before you worry. The fertility network is good with advice.
Has your clinic given you any advice. You can get checked for endo to rule this out. Sending best wishes to you x
We are so lucky to have these channels, because as iterated above, people who are not going through this would never understand the toll it has on you. After 6 rounds failed with my own eggs and now two failed implantations with donor eggs I do understand how it feels to feel despair, and that nothing can make you happy, and am feeling a lot like that right now after I had a very painful endometrial biopsy last week.
Just have to focus on each day at a time and remember that we are constantly moving and nothing ever remains the same forever. Big hugs x
I am so grateful to each and every one of you who has taken the time to reach out to me after I wrote this post yesterday It really did help me to feel people can relate and to feel supported. You have been really kind to me and thank you also for expressing your own vulnerabilities as this is not easy to do.
I was in a cafe yesterday with my dog and I just started sobbing, it was hard to stop.
I have read through these messages a few times and will keep glancing at them as they help me ground myself and feel less alone.
Hi Skittles absolutely 1000% yes this was me after my second known donor egg miscarriage (after 4 rounds of IVF, 4 miscarriages). I felt so completely broken and hopeless I couldn't even get my thoughts straight. So much so that I had to take a total and complete break from even talking about next steps or thinking about them - I just sat with what was true despair, anger/rage, numbness, and I just said - maybe if I just STOP then at some point I'll know what I want to do next. For me that took a good 6 months. I then started getting excited again, the hope came back. And here I am now.
The resilience of the human spirit and for those in this group is truly amazing, and in certain circumstances it really tests us to our limits. Being resilient shouldn't mean that we can cope immediately - it was, for me, the longest period of feeling despair and lack of hope that I'd ever had. I focused on my own personal health, my relationship with my husband, mini breaks, my garden, ANYTHING to make me feel more like me again. And then I came back, slowly but surely.
The other thing I will say is if you are looking at donor eggs, you have time. There is time to heal yourself and give yourself that breathing space - we often feel like the clock is just pressing up against us, and we're running to keep up with it - one of the benefits of the donor experience is that the time pressure is a bit alleviated.
If you want to press with donor clinic tests, they may just raise the issues you've spotted and help you tackle them before you do a round rather than reject you - that planning and understanding of next steps may support your healing - it depends on what sounds right to you now.
I am always here for a message if you need it/want support, as I know are the others on here. You're not alone with the sadness and anxiety/panics that can come through this process, especially when you cannot see a light at the end. xx
I'm so sorry you have to go through this Skittles 💔 I can totally relate, spent the whole week last week crying which is so unlike me, and was our joint week of annual leave which made me feel so guilty. This whole process is draining, frustrating and bloody unfair. You will feel better in time though, and you will get through this. Sending you love and solidarity xxx
Your message and replies could have been written by me as I’m going through all of the same emotions and feelings as you all at the moment. Had a breakdown in work yesterday and had to go home, I’ve lost confidence in everything I do including work, lost my self esteem and generally feeling so low and upset at the moment and can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have never felt like this in my life but infertility destroys us and the fact that most of us keep it fairly private makes it even harder. After yesterday I realised I need to talk to someone so have booked a counselling session for next week (I get 6 free sessions through my employer - nhs - maybe you have access to something similar?) I only hope speaking to someone will help me see a way forward, good luck with your journey & sending lots of love ❤️
I can definitely relate to what you're saying here. When I was dealing with this, I felt low most of the time and couldn't focus on anything or have any real joy because this was always somewhere in the back of my mind. It's a really tough place to be, as it's like an open wound that doesn't heal with time because the trauma is ongoing when there's no certainty about how or if it ends. I found that the sadness and isolation I felt was further compounded by the fact that most people couldn't even begin to fathom how it feels to be in the fertility trenches, so I stopped talking to certain people about it as it felt pointless.
I was the same as you after my TMFR, as I had hope and a certain amount of faith in the IVF process and that things would work out after such awful luck. But when we did IVF and we experienced multiple failures and disappointments (plus what felt like constant pregnancy and birth announcements) little by little I felt like the nightmare would never come to an end. Any hope I felt early on into the process was slowly trashed by the constant strain of the process on absolutely everything in my life. Birthdays and Chrismases were especially difficult as they were markers of yet another year with no pregnancy or baby.
It doesn't make it any better, but everything you're feeling is a normal response to the ongoing trauma you're experiencing. It's hard to find the motivation to carry on day to day and continue with the process (whatever that may look like for you) when you feel like there's never any reward for all your hard work and perseverence. I hope some of the responses you get here will help you feel not so alone and I'm thinking of you xxx
Hey Skittles, I can totally relate. I have found that our fertility journey has caused me to have a long bout of depression. Took me a while to realise. After another recent BFN, I’ve decided to take a break and focus on lots of exercise, running and strong yoga as I really let high impact activities go during the past several years of treatment, as I was advised it’s not good whilst undergoing treatment. It’s not solving our fertility hopes and dreams but it is giving me something else to focus on for a few months and making me feel a lot better! I’d just had enough of crying, feeling low, being less active than I’d like, and avoiding social situations/ friends because of my feelings. Anyway, just wanted to reach out and say I understand. Sending hugs, good wishes and hope xxxxx
I just came to this conclusion myself after they told us yesterday our second cycle was a BFN. I need to feel myself again, get back to do the things I enjoy doing and gave up, so for now, we will pause our fertility journey as well. Take care of yourself, xx
Hi skittles I totally get it, everything you are feeling is all part of what you've suffered, I feel infertility/loss go hand in hand with feeling so low and depression setting in. I understand you must be feeling so upset and lost after the most recent treatment on top of everything else. Birthdays become a reminder of time running out in the fertility world and are dreaded rather than looked forward too. I felt this particular after losing our baby too.
I can't offer advice in regards to counselling yet as I have not been brave enough myself to try it, but if this is something worth looking into if you haven't already, others have said it can be helpful.
All I can say is everything is raw at the minute, with you also having faced another bfn, remember that the days will start to get a little easier, same with the grief when those worse days hit you and you feel that you cannot cope but the lighter days do set in. You are doing your best.
I also understand your worries with endometriosis as I have this.
I know that to feel a bit hopeful you like to have a plan in place for the future , I always feel like this after failed treatment too and at the moment everything is out of your control which feels worse.
you can message me anytime even just to let it all off your chest, sending you so much strength xx
I'm sorry that anyone has to experience what you have. You have been the greatest support to me here, you've given me time, your support, you've eased my panic when I thought I'd explode, you've listened to me relay my horrific events when you knew exactly how it felt, because you had already been through at all. You told me that I'm stronger than I think, so let me say the same to you. You are strong, you will get through this, you are loved and you have a whole community of strong ladies rooting for you. I'm glad you have a puppy for support also, they're the best listeners x We've got you x
I don't exactly have infertility but I am 37 and single, and often feel like I am watching a ticking clock run out on my chance to have a child as I haven't even got a partner. I have fallen out with friends, isolated and definitely have times of real anger and sadness.
I think it's grief and having to grapple with things that you never thought of before, such as what if x or y doesn't happen, how will my new life look?
This is so relatable. When my doctor said our results are giving us very little hope to convince naturally, it felt as if the ground has disappeared from under me. I had a full-on panic attack the night of that appointment. I feel so bad for everyone who has to go through it. What has helped dealing with all this burden was seeing a therapist and implementing I think pretty much every single thing that is recommended to battle anxiety. I started doing more yoga, meditating, gym, talking to all friends about my struggle (however trying not to overburden them with my problems), I stopped drinking alcohol, started acupuncture, sleeping 8h, doing 10K steps a day, eating protein rich diet, taking vitamin D, you name it, I could go on forever.....My priorities really shifted; I made my well-being main factor in making any decisions. I still have days when I wake up at 5am and franticly scroll through the internet searching for answers. The day that happens I would literally cancel any plans I had that night and hit the gym. It seams to work for me, but I spent a couple of months looking for that 'instant' relive that works for me and sort of found a mix of things that are at least a little helpful. We are pretty broke from all the fertility treatments and had to make cuts everywhere possible (as if this situation wasn't stressful enough). We haven't bought any new clothes, appliances etc. in over a year to pay for therapy and acupuncture, but it makes me so much happier. I would say, just be gentle with yourself. Practice being a wonderful, caring mum that you will one day become on myself first before I welcome that baby that you are craving so much. While you are waiting for this little miracle to enter your life, channel all this love on the person who needs it right now-yourself.
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