Dealing with the aftermath......advice please

Hi All

Hope everyone is well.

As we are booked in for TESA next week as my DH had a vasectomy long before we met each other I have started to panic. What if they do not get any sperm? What will that do to his brain?

Basically, whilst ever he was the one to have had the vasectomy it was his choice - now we both want a child what if they do not retrieve any sperm and tell us that there was never any there to start with? He is really worried now and I am worried about his state of mind in the event that that is what they tell us.

OMG - I am slightly worried as he has said that will be for him to deal with - BUT,.... Big But, as we never thought we would be able to have children now that we have started this journey we both secretly and silently are hoping and praying that they do find sperm so we can at least have a chance. If they don't find any I fear that is this journey over - although they mentioned donor at the Unit I cannot believe that either of us would entertain donor sperm as if I cannot have DHs, then I will have to settle with my dogs / cats / horses!!!!

Sorry for the long rant but OMG, a week to go and this has just hit me - what will happen to him if they say nothing found....... what will happen to me???

If anyone has been through this OR if you DH had a successful TESA / PESA then please let me know just to lift my mood / give me hope....

Thank you


7 Replies

  • Hi Holly

    My partner had a vasectomy 20 years ago with his previous partner and then tried to reverse it twice but to no avail. He had a Pesa in 2013 and they found no sperm on one side and 3 'twitching' sperm (clearly a technical term!!!) on the other, none of which could be frozen. I desperately want children and he is now willing to try donor sperm if they can't find any from him when we go ahead with IVF over this next month.

    It is hard for men - think how you would feel if you were told that they could not find any eggs? It feels like an insult to your woman / manhood. However, I would not give up hope - I never thought my partner would agree to donor sperm but now he is willing to if they can't find any of his....this is some kind of miracle!!

    My partner didn't say much about it when he had the Pesa but I know he has found it hard. I know this might sound a bit weird but if they don't find any sperm I would advise doing things with him that make him feel manly - oral sex helps (sorry if that's too personal) - anything that helps him feel like a complete man, he will need nurturing!

    Stay optimistic and keep in mind, after all, it really does only take one good sperm to make a baby x

    Best of luck to you, I'd love to hear how he gets on next week :-)

  • Hi SharlyWarly

    Thank you for getting back to me.

    I know, this is all running through my head, if they do find sperm then that would be amazing, then it is all on me and the next step....but if they don't find any sperm then it is a confirmation to DH that he never had any in the first place so yes it is a bit of a worrying time.

    We do both believe in 'what will be will be' and 'if it is meant to happen, then it will', however, those are easy things to say until you are faced with it.

    I have every faith in the urologist / surgeon and I am hoping that they would not try a procedure under a severity of anaesthetic unless they too had hope...... we only have a week to go and as we are then going away next Saturday to the beach with the dogs for a week I am trying to keep myself busy planning what we are taking, getting the washing sorted, sorting the dogs, seeing mums / mother in laws as we are away for mothers day which also happens to be my birthday.......

    I cannot believe that by next Sunday we will know whether we have sperm and a chance or if it is all over before it has begun......

    I am sorry that you did not have success with the PESA but all the very best with the donor sperm - I guess things will change either way and if DH is still so convinced that we should have children then we would have to at least consider it.

    I will let you know how we get on next week and thank you for the advice re after the op, he may need a few days 'off' but I will give him plenty of TLC once he is able!! :)

    Holly x

  • You're welcome and I really do wish you the best of luck x

    Btw, my partner recovered very quickly - in fact I wasn't even in the country at the time so he got a cab home himself after the procedure!!!!

  • Hi Holly, my DH had TESA last May.

    Reading your post is bringing back all of the concerns I had just before he had his op.

    Thankfully my DH's op was a success and we now have loads of sperm frozen which we are using for ICSI.

    I know I was really worried how myself and he would cope if they didn't find any, I just kept hoping and praying that they would and that if they didn't we would cross that bridge when we came to it.

    The day of the op was the longest of my life and as it was an out patient procedure I wasnt able to stay with him so be prepared to keep yourself as distracted as possible. I went for lunch with my Mam even though I was a nervous wreck she did her best to keep my mind off it.

    Best of luck xx💖

  • Hi JoJo

    Thank you for replying. I have read that I cannot stay with him he has to be there for 7:30am and it will be a morning procedure but they cannot tell us how long he will be in for!

    It's so hard as trying to stay positive and just hoping they find some and keep telling myself they would not be doing it if they thought they wouldn't.

    As we go away next sat as well and know he will be laid up after it trying to be organised but we haven't told anyone and my parents want to see me for my birthday and I'm trying to put everyone off coming over after Thursday!! It's a logistical nightmare!

    I'm so glad you managed to get some and hope your icsi is successful. Keep us posted 😄

    Thank you again for replying

    Holly x

  • Hi Holly,

    Yeah exactly they wouldn't go to all the cost and hassle if they didn't think there was a good chance of getting sperm.

    I went to collect my DH at about 2/3pm it can depend how quickly he recovers from anaesthetic and what place they are on the list. Either way its a long day!

    My DH got an infection after so he was off for 2 weeks but hopefully your partner is quicker to recover.

    Maybe see how he is and you could always say hes not well and ask them to come over when hes better, not a total fib either 👍😃

    Best of luck xx

  • Hi JoJo

    Thank you. I'm going to hide him in the house on Friday then we are away on Saturday for a week anyway so hopefully will give him plenty of time to recover. I am dreading Thursday as wont know what to do with myself but I'm excited at the same time as with some luck they will manage to find some.... We have to call on Friday to find out so double whammy of waiting!

    I hope he doesn't get an infection ohh it's all a bit worrying but hopefully by Friday next week we will know the outcome and fingers and everything crossed it goes well.

    Thanks again

    Holly x

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