Why am I not elated? (Sensitive)

[K_LNB]

I’ve just tested (faintly) positive after trying naturally this month! We were due to start a second round of ICSI in a few days. Our first round was an unexplained disappointment (23 fertilised eggs but only one average blast) and resulted in a chemical. I don’t know whether it’s the fact I don’t have any faith in the result after the chemical, or the fact I’d made my peace with the idea we’d never have a sibling for my son (assumed the next round of ICSI was going to go the same way), but I just feel a bit numb. I know I am so unbelievably lucky given everything us ladies go through on this journey but I guess I just wondered if anyone else can relate? Feeling guilty for feeling this way!

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi K. Just got to say, it might be natural hormones kicking in and upsetting you. You’ve been very up and down with your pregnancies, so it’s not surprising. I’m hoping with everything crossed, that this one continues to be positive and gives you the sinking you so want. Thinking of you. Diane

[K_LNB in reply to DianeArnold]

Thanks Diane x

[MrsOrangejuice]

This happened to me in the summer waiting for a natural FET. In the prior two years I'd had two early losses on fresh transfers, then a daughter on a FET, then a terrible 'banking' round where we got one egg that ended in a PUL and surgery at 10 weeks, then a BFN on a FET. I've never seen a natural BFP in 10 years so I refused to even listen to the doctor's suggestion that my odd blood test might be from pregnancy. We'd also only managed to have intercourse once in about 9mnths, and it was at the 'wrong' time of my cycle.. if you can find any of my posts around that time or my replies on similar subject, you'll hopefully see what a disbelieving and anxious mess I was when I finally caved and tested. I was ecstatic that we'd managed to get pregnant naturally even though I assumed it wouldn't last as it meant my eggs/his sperm were ok, my tubes were clear and the womb environments and hormones had to be ok naturally. But I wasn't on the meds I assumed were critical for me to conceive and stay pregnant. My consultant calmed me down and said it's very common and that natural pregnancies are usually fine as nature selected the strongest of everything (as opposed to an embryologist, which can be a bit subjective). I had HCGs done to confirm viability, then early scans - maybe options for you tp put your mind at ease a bit? - and as time went on I did become a little less anxious. I'm due any day. But I don't think the past experiences ever go and it's always at the back of my mind, and was very acute in the early stage. I think the disbelief and lack of excitement are self protective. I wouldn't for a second feel guilty about this though, just go with it and try and hope it will work out as the odds are that it will. Your feelings or worries won't change the outcome so just acknowledge them and don't dwell. If it's making you sad that you aren't more elated or optimistic then maybe counselling would help but you don't 'have' to react or feel anything, it's your body and your mind and emotions.

[K_LNB]

thanks for your thoughtful reply - it’s just what I needed to hear! Your comment that we don’t “have” to feel anything specific is spot on. Good luck with your delivery and all the emotions of the waiting!!! X