hi everyone,
I’ve really been struggling the last five months. I’m 42 and been trying for about 2 years. My partner and I were prevented from trying earlier as I was struggling with vaginismus following trauma. It was a real fight to get myself healed for that and I was so proud of myself for overcoming it. Now I’m fighting unexplained infertility. My partner has ridiculously good quality sperm ( the nurse was amazed), so I’m assuming the problem is me . I’ve also been working through CPSTD caused my childhood trauma the last few years and the grief from that has been immense. I’m currently low contact with my parents and that has been so difficult and lonely. My best friend lives far away and lately I’ve just felt like completely withdrawing from the world. We tried ivf last year and we were lucky enough to create two viable embryos. The first implantation didn’t work out and I felt devastated. The progesterone made me ‘feel’ pregnant and my bbt was really high. I felt so confused because I thought my body was telling me it had worked . After that failed implantation things got really stressful at work and we also started the process of buying the house we had been renting. It was extremely stressful. I would come home, crash and cry. I’d spend most weekends in bed. One day my partner and I got into a massive fight about it all. He really really hurt me and I thought long and hard about leaving him. I saw a life without him and was devastated. I felt so vulnerable, especially as I had relied upon him financially. It has been beyond hard, and I’ve been struggling with terrible depression, anxiety and burnout since. He has been very apologetic and support since, but I’m not in a good way. I’ve been off work since Xmas and I’m scared to go back because of the stress, but equally scared about losing my job. I’m trying my best to look after myself but struggle to leave the house. I can face seeing my friends, but I can make counselling, doctors and accupuncture appointments. Life feels very overwhelming right now. My period is due tomorrow, bbt is going down, it’s always the hardest time.
If anyone can relate I’d love to hear from you. Infertility is just so lonely