One of those evenings…

[Ladybird_36]

Hello lovely’s, having one of those evenings, not sure if anyone can relate. But has anyone else found on their IVF journey that friends have started hiding pregnancies. I’ve had that tonight and it’s so frustrating and isolating to feel that it had to be hidden from me. Sorry for the *rant*, just wondered if this is ‘normal’.

[Tamaa]

Hi Ladybird_36. Sorry to know you are finding it difficult at the moment. Yes, it has happened to me on more than one occasion, and the news comes with such a mixture of emotions. Every time I got to know through someone else, or a slip of tongue. I would feel happy for the person, but at the very same I would feel kind of betrayed, isolated and kind of lonely. IVF isn't easy. It leaves us with limited choices. In my case, even when some closed one would disclose a pregnancy to me by the standard 3 months mark, I would end up feeling sad and crying my heart out because of our own fertility struggles. I hope you get over this phase soon. Binge watching and getting immersed in a book always helped me. Good luck!

[Ladybird_36 in reply to Tamaa]

Hi Tamaa, thank you for replying, it’s nice yet horrible to see that it seems to be a common thing amongst friends. It’s such a weird one because I would have loved if I was at least given a chance to be upset or happy, having the choice taken away feels more isolating and lonely (no idea if that makes any sense). For the most part when I’ve felt sad, I was able to at least take a break from friends who are pregnant/ or have just given birth ,to grieve my own journey and reset. Good luck to you too! 💛

[BabyKing]

friendships and infertility is a new thing I am navigating. I am currently mourning the lost of a friendship due to a friend hiding her pregnancy. What people fail to understand in my experience is that yes the news hurts that it’s them not us BUT we are happy for them. We just feel sad for ourselves. This whole journey is unfair and when friends do things like this it just adds to it.

I am sorry you are going through it. It honestly sucks.

[Ladybird_36 in reply to BabyKing]

Hey BabyKing I literally couldn’t have wrote this better. It’s completely the idea that we would be anything BUT happy for a friend who is pregnant or given birth, we can mourn our journeys and be sad for ourselves but still be over the moon for them. Good luck with your journey, always here for a chat 💛

[lighthouse27]

Hi Ladybird_36, thanks for bringing this up. This happened to us over Covid. Our incredibly close friends announced they'd had a baby girl, we didn't know they were expecting It broke our hearts. They'd know about our own fertility struggles, as we did theirs but they couldn't bring themselves to tell us. It lead to us not speaking for 18 months. Thankfully, all is good now and we are so delighted to be part of their lives. I feel honesty is the best approach. Yes, its hard to hear that someone is expecting when we long to be in the position but in reality a baby is a blessing. I hope that one day we get to say those long awaited words, i'm pregnant. All the best xx

[BabyKing]

Ladybird_36 I am so glad you wrote this post. I feel less alone about my experience. Also happy to have a chat anytime. ❤️

[Christianbaby]

Yes, it's very hurtful. And, your feelings are valid. Hope you feel better soon. x

[Jumpppy]

This is such an interesting thread. I am a pregnancy hider. As someone who hides pregnancies I have done so because I want to keep relationships "normal." A pregnancy is such a relatively short period of time and I don't want to change a relationship and become a "pregnant friend" - I just want to be a friend.

During infertility and treatments, I found it hard to be friends with people while they were pregnant because I didn't want to hear about it and I felt forced to ask questions and seem interested when I wasn't. I just wanted to not think about it. Truth be told, this feeling only went away after IVF pregnancy #3 when I felt like my family was complete. Until then I still struggled.

For those with infertility struggles, having been there, I treat them the way I would have liked to have been treated - that means not discussing, but allowing a friendship to proceed normally.

So maybe hiding a pregnancy isn't just about the person you aren't telling, but about the person who is pregnanct not wanting to introduce a relationship change? They aren't trying to isolate you, they are avoiding being isolated from you? For a lot of people it isn't easy to hide a pregnancy-so going to those lengths requires care and concern for the other person.

Just a thought - I get the issue. I'm glad none of my friends were upset (most don't even know about baby #3). It's too bad we can't have an identity card that says whether we want to know/hear about your pregnancies and children...or not.