wannabe grandma

[Greenscarflady]

Hi, I’ve just joined and wondered if there are any other Mothers who are supporting their daughter through IVF treatment. I’m just finding it very tearful and heartbreaking at the moment and could do with a chat

[Millbanks]

I just wanted to say that it's really lovely that you have reached out for this support - to support your daughter. I've been through 3 years of IVF and although my mother is supportive she would never think to look outside the box to see how best to support me!

It can be hard to know how to do this, but from experience the best kind of support is just being there, letting her talk when she needs to and trying to not ask what is going on at every step of the way. If things aren't going well, being a shoulder to cry on.

It must be hard being an outsider and seeing your daughter in pain - but please know that even just by taking this step you are being the best mother you could be. xx

[Greenscarflady in reply to Millbanks]

Thank you for your reply it’s lovely to hear ❤️

[Beingamum23 in reply to Millbanks]

Hello, i’m supporting my 41 yr old daughter who is just about to begin her 4th round of IVF alone. She has decided this will be her last-unless she is lucky and gets a couple of good embryos this time.

Its been an emotional couple of years and I’ve learnt to step back a little more each after each disappointment. She knows I’m by her side always , sometimes a hug is all that's needed. I am preparing myself in case it doesnt happen for her - thats when she’ll need me most as she prepares for what her life looks like going forward.

But at the moment we are gearing up, full of optimism with a mix of reality. I never ever realised what an emotionally draining journey IVF was - each and everyone of you are warriors.

Advice - be kind to yourself you are right next to your daughter and thats enough believe me 😍

[Christianbaby]

My mom was my steady source of strength at the height of my IVF journey. I am super thankful to her and hats off to mothers who are there for their daughters while on this journey. Send me a pm if you want to, I'd love to hear your story. xx

[PRAYINGFORTHISTOWORK]

hello Greenscarflady … yes I joined also because I am a wannabe Nanna and just didn’t know how to support my daughter in what I can only describe is one of the most traumatic journey that I was so oblivious about before she had her troubles, this group is fab for information and support please feel free to message me x

[Greenscarflady in reply to PRAYINGFORTHISTOWORK]

Thank you for your reply it’s nice to know that there’s someone else who understands

[Jessicalker]

Yes, many mothers support their daughters who are undergoing assisted reproductive technology procedures (including IVF - in vitro fertilisation). These forms of support can include emotional, moral, and sometimes financial support.

The IVF process can be emotionally and physically taxing, and family support can be an important factor in helping a woman through this experience. Mothers can provide support, share their experiences, help with day-to-day activities, and be a source of comfort and understanding.

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Greenscarflady. You could also contact the Support Line at fertilitynetworkuk.otg for support. Diane

[Pippy28]

Hi Greenscarflady, Yes… I’m a mum doing my best to support my daughter and son in law through IVF. I know how heartbreaking it is for me to see her go through two full failed fresh rounds and a recent failed FET. Then I have to keep reminding myself that whatever I feel must be even worse for them. But it’s so very hard. Yes, I want to be a grandma but the biggest distress is trying to imagine how it feels to so desperately want a baby and seemingly not be able to have one. What have I learned so far - I’ve realised that sometimes keeping probing for information must be adding so much to the pressure she is under. She knows I’m here and she knows she can talk to me whenever she’s ready and until then I need to try to give her space. Early on, I tried to push for extra testing - she wasn’t ready and wanted to place her trust in the consultants judgements. I needed to allow that to happen….3 BFNs further on and she may now be looking for more thoughts other than just “it’s a numbers game”. The things I’ve found I can do - I live close to her so I can nip round and collect her ironing during certain phases of IVF so when she’s exhausted (working full time in a very demanding job) she doesn’t have that to worry about. I walk her dog whenever I can. Now that the NHS options are exhausted, I’ve tried to help her with some money to finance the next steps (not easy for everyone I know).

But despite all this, I completely agree with you - I’ve shed so many tears over this for the last 14 months but she doesn’t need to know or see this. It’s tough. Not sure what the point of my long ramble is but you’re not alone. Lots of love xxxx

[Rabbit89]

Hi there,

Yes i am !! I joined to try to be the best support i could to my daughter and to be honest i knew very little about the process's.

Nice to see other Mums out there doing the same thing . I have learnt so much from this group and read many stories and see success and not.

At least i could appreciate what she was going through and was there as her shoulder.

She was lucky second time fresh transfer andcwe have a beautiful grandson. Thankfully she had 3 frosties and are about to begin the FET journey next month. Preparing the brazil nuts, pineapple, gogi berries the lot ……not forgetting the socks after the transfer . Need to keep the blood supply flowing. All we can do then is hope and be there.

Please feel free to message anytime….

I will add that our NHS did not provide free IVF so we paid first time round . However they started funding in March 23 but we will not qualify as she has a child . Very strange but it is what it is, just expensive but so very worth it .

Fairy dust to everyone who is trying and reads this post. Dont give up x

[Ira1916]

Greenscarflady I got you!! I am also a mother supporting my daughter on her journey through ivf. She has had a few miscarriages, the latest a few weeks ago. This time was especially heartbreaking because it was the first time she ever got to seeing the baby on a scan. I totally understand how hard it is for us as mothers, when we just can’t “fix” this for our children. We have always loved and try to protect them from pain and watching them go through this is hard

I found this lovely support group though my tears one night and I am so grateful. I have had the opportunity to read different post and being able to share comforting words with someone else feels so good. I also have read so many positive posts with beautiful endings for some of our mamas, that I am encouraged.

Hung in there mama, we’re got you. Continue to stay strong for your daughter.

[Greenscarflady in reply to Ira1916]

Thank you ❤️

[Tigr]

It is so lovely that you are looking for fellow mums to support their daughters or sons! It is a difficult balance. I decided after a while that I do tell my family that we were going through IVF and everybody was very supportive but here are a few pitfalls that may not be obvious to you but were difficult for me (although everyone is different, so take with a pinch of salt), and can be avoided:1) Thinking out loudly about reasons why it does not work. You may not know the full story and "It may be your age (it was not the reason) and it would have been good to start earlier (single and still in education???)" did not help and put blame on me although my mum really did not mean it badly.

2) Knowing everything better and pushing for specific treatments you have heard about. It is great if you read up on stuff and say that you found this and that but in the end, there is a team of professionals around your child that try to do the best decisions and sometimes it is necessary to get your head around a treatment because you are not in the right space physically or emotionally. It is not rejecting or not listening to you, it is just hard and again, you may not know the full story.

3) Asking for updates all the time. It is really great to be supported all the time but I felt that I have to tell everybody constantly what is going on even if I was not in a state to do so. Let her sometimes do things in her own time if you can, even if it is hard. My mum pushed after my IVF to know "if it worked" and I did not want to tell her it did until after 12 weeks because I have an increased risk of mc and was ansolutely freaking out. Once she squeezed it out of me, I had to tell other family as well because of jealousy conflicts. She again did not mean it badly but had children accidentally and could not imagine what it would have cost me having to inform everybody of a mc after years of trying and fertility treatment.

None of all of that was meant maliciously and my mum really wanted to be there. She just had experienced a very different reality to me. It will be hard for you at times because everything you want is to be there and protect and support her, but it is very difficult, stressful, exhausting and hormonal, so please have patience with both of you.

Sorry for the long post and it is not really what you asked for. I really love that you are reaching out in this forum! Fingers crossed and baby dust for your daughter!

[BL02]

Hi , i have never commented before on the forum but just read all the updates from all the wonderful ladies on here to learn and take in information going forward .I am the Mother in law lol and Mum to my wonderful Son and his lovely partner who have just had a failed fresh transfer on the nhs with no frosties so we are just in the midst of saving ready for a private attempt .

I had a complete melt down and sat up for days with Dr Google and came across this site and to be honest it is the only one i stuck with and have learnt so much on this awful sad journey .

I wish every single lady on this forum the very best of luck and hope and pray we all get our little miracle wether it be becoming a Mum or a Nana.

Wannabe Grandma (op) i know exactly how you are feeling as i to feel exactly the same as you x

[Katkan]

Hi Greenscarflady, that would be my mother. She went through ivf herself to conceive my brother and she was there for me on my hard ivf journey. I just gave birth to my lovely daughter in December after the second transfer and not an easy pregnancy and birth. It was as hard for my mom as for me, but it happened.

[Greenscarflady in reply to Katkan]

Aaawww so glad it happened for you. My daughter will be starting her second transfer soon ❤️

[Katkan in reply to Greenscarflady]

Wishing your daughter the baby luck this time and the strength to go through everything! She is not alone❤️

[Doodlebug23]

I am very lucky to have my mum with me on this journey too. For me, her just being there is all that I need. Unfortunately, if she oversteps the mark she knows as I snap at her. Not intentionally 😳🙈 However she knows me well enough and just takes it in the chin and backs off a little. Though I’ll add it doesn’t happen often.

The things I find most helpful are just knowing she’s there for whatever I need. I’m single so she steps in for all the clinic visits for transfer and is chief bag carrier on the journey home! My clinic is in Spain too so it’s not just a quick return trip!

She never questions what the clinic are doing or extras they are offering, or any of the choices I make along the way. She will give me her opinion, but only if I ask for it.

After transfer she visits daily. Which sometimes I think is over the top, but if I’m silent she just sits and watches tv for half an hour. She walks the dog, asks if any jobs need doing, nips to the shop, brings me food I’m craving, just basically does anything to make sure I am ok and giving the little embryo/s on board the best chance.

And almost most of all, she doesn’t ask when my OTD is, or if I’ve tested, amd just waits for me to tell her. And I know she knows the date cause it’s on my paperwork from the clinic which she reads under the cover of looking at the picture of the embryo/s!

When I got my clinic to agree to double transfer her reaction to the possibility of twins was oh I’ll have to move in! Erm no you won’t 😂😂🙈 *feel free to pull me up on this when I end up with twins and beg her to move in for a few weeks 😂😂😂😂

Sorry if that was a massive ramble. 👶🏼 ✨ to your daughter x