Dear Forum members
I am struggling to deal with our most recent BFN, following a negative test last Friday. I am on annual leave at the moment and feeling very low. I am glad I don't have to go to work until 3 January and I am dreading going back and returning to 'normality'.
I continue to ask 'why us', having got BFN twice - once after our self-funded fresh ICSI cycle in summer 2017 and second time last week, after FET. It was our only frozen embryo.
We all do so much in attempt to have a baby - we change our lifestyles, manage stress, overcome various hurdles, eat well, stop drinking alcohol, adjust our diets, research, ask questions, have complementary treatments such as acupunctur and reflexology, take medicinal herbs, exercise, try to stay positive and motivated, take expensive micronutrients and supplements, have scans, take hormonal injections and pessaries, juggle home life with work and, last but not least, invest so much emotionally and financially.
When going through IVF/ICSI treatment, we overcome under- or over response to injections; we get through egg collection; our partners/husbands produce sufficient sperm; our eggs fertilise; our embryos go through the early stage of development; we get through embryo replacement, even if some of us have problems with our uterus (though this was not an issue for me). Then we encounter the major hurdle - failure of implantation of our precious embryo (our issue). Though I have not been in this situation myself, many of your pregnancies fail due to early miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy.
We are women, designed to have children, programmed to be maternal. When our bodies do not deliver what is the most natural of all processes, we feel the sense of failure, shame, disappointment, deep sadness and grief over a few cells that have been implanted into our wombs that we have been unable to carry.
I am confused what to do next. Over the last week, I became very introverted and withdrawn. I cry a lot and don't communicate well with my husband. I've been lashing out at him, trying to find something or somebody to blame for our failure. I think back about years of trying to become pregnant, sacrificing so much (professional progression/career, including opportunities overseas; further training etc.).
I have so much questions on my mind: Should we put ourselves through a fresh cycle again? Should we go to a different clinic? Should we consider adoption? Should we remain childless?
Deep down, I know that we must move on positively on our individual fertility journeys and remain centered and steady.... though it is so hard to do during these dark times.