Have our consultation for our third round of IVF next month, and i really have no hope of it working, I see it as ‘a tick box’. I’ve spoken to my partner about potentially not doing another round, as I just dont see it working.
In 3 years I have never had a positive.
I know people want to support but all I hear is ‘you never know’ ‘your young’ ‘you always hear of people who have IVF then fall pregnant naturally’ (do we ever hear of those that go through IVF and don’t get a baby!?- no!) ‘you could adopt’.
My best friend is now pregnant and I hate that I’m finding it difficult to speak to her about her new and exciting journey.
I just feel miserable and sad all the time, im the type of person to put on a smile and always be ok, be there for others, but that part of me is slipping away and I worry this continued journey without a hope in hell of it working is just making it all worse.
What do you all do when you feel there’s no hope?
I hope your all ok, your all amazing and strong ladies x
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Mlove12
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Hi Mlove. I don't know how helpful this is but I try and take just one day at a time. Otherwise I get so overwhelmed and the sadness gets the better of me. Try and make sure you have plenty in your diary to keep you busy. Some people do journaling, I personally don't but I have heard it can be helpful as an outlet. Have you tried counselling? In regard your best friend being pregnant, if you need to have some boundaries then that is okay and totally understandable. Try not to give yourself a hard time for this. I had to distance from my sister and my dear friend when they were both pregnant at the same time and I had just had no eggs collected in a failed IVF cycle. Its very tough and relentless. I see you have a consultation coming up and hopefully this will be helpful in terms of learning more about the next steps. Between consultations can be a bit like no-mans land, not knowing what is the next step is very anxiety provoking xx
Journey feels unfair at times doesnt it. I just feel in a bit of a rut at the moment and your right about consultations and how they can be anxiety provoking, feeling in limbo. I’m going to book another counselling session, I may even try journaling at this point I have nothing to lose lol! Thank you for your lovely advice, hope you are well x
Hello, I don’t have any immediate answers I’m afraid but wanted to reach out and say I understand how you feel ❤️ Also, as an aside, my dr recently told me that in Israel, where you can have countless IVF for free, as long as people keep preserving they do succeed. Best of luck xx
I don't feel I've been through enough yet to wholly understand your situation but I hope you are able to get some clarity on how to move forward from your upcoming appointment.
With regards to how your feeling about others' positivity, I can empathize. It's irritating the number of times I have had "miracles happen" and "just think positive." I try to remember that before I started my IVF path, I didn't 'get it' either. I've recently started doing headspace meditations, which are helping me stay in the moment with how I am feeling. Not saying it's a cure all but it helps me carve out a few minutes of peace when I start feeling overwhelmed.
My much younger sister in law to be is soon to give birth and it's a battle to tread the fine line between keeping my distance and keeping the peace. My tactic will be to see them on my own terms when I have the strength. First priority though is me.
Hi Minnie, sorry your going through some of the same issues. I hope your ok and glad to hear you have ways of managing. Ugh those classic ‘miracles happen’- does my head in!😂
Head space sounds like a good idea, definitely going to give this a try. Usually I’d be like ‘oh that wouldn’t work for me’ but right now I am fully committed to trying new things which may help so thank you for the suggestion💕hope your ok x
Oh love I understand how you feel, this journey is just devastating and unfair. I think first is to accept that your thoughts and feelings are totally valid, and let yourself wallow if you need to. But equally I have found that pursuing my hobbies and things that give me pleasure and focus (in my case gardening, exercise, swing dancing) help me remember that there is so much to life and so much to enjoy still. As well as looking after my body, eating healthily etc. You are still very young, there is lots of time and plenty of options for you to have a family if/when you are ready to consider them. When I'm feeling miserable I ask myself "in 5 years' time, whether I have a baby or not, will I look back and think that I still made the most of life as best I could while going through IVF?" And I find this helps to refocus and remember life is short, we need to enjoy what we can when we can. Sending you loads of love and solidarity xxx
Hi Hedgehog, some really great points there which I need to be conscious to remember, there’s more to life! Your message really bought that home for me so thank you so much for responding. Definitely need to focus on myself too and make the most of it. Hope your ok too💕x
I really liked the comment above. I have been where you are and it is so painful. I felt completely consumed with treatment and seeing other people with babies/children made my heart ache. I felt so low and knew I had to do something different to enable me to try again. I decided it was time to push all the books, research, information to one side and live my life. I started exercising again, enjoying the occasional glass of wine (or more), ate the chocolate cake! I told my friends what was going on and I stopped avoiding everyone and started to enjoy spending time with friends again.
Be kind to yourself, your feeling are completely valid and people should understand. I know that at times I hated my friends because I felt they didn’t understand. However, once I let them in I realised they did and that they were hurting for me. They genuinely felt bad for our situation and didn’t want to make things worse for me.
I am rambling now, I wish nobody had to experience infertility, it really is a bitch. I hope you manage to find some ways of managing all the emotions that come with this rollercoaster of a journey and get your much awaited baby xxx
Both of your comments are lovely and have very valid points. I’m super lucky to have a good network so that helps, actually got a little treat parcel through the post from my two best friends today which is really thoughtful, made me cry as it just made me realise how lucky I am to have lots of amazing people in my life and who are listening and allowing my feelings to be valid. Trying to be grateful for what I do have now instead of what I don’t have! Thank you for your lovely comment it really means a lot, I also hope you are ok and keeping well💕x
Just a quick message to say I could have written this word for word, right down to the pregnant friend. This is a lonely and horrible hell, with grief, frustration, sadness, uncertainty and everything else rolled into one.
I agree with the sentiment above of trying to keep busy and for me that also means limiting exposure to triggers like social media where friends have announcements or you naturally compare. But, the thing I’ll never forget is you don’t have any idea what else is happening inside someone’s head/home/relationship so my partner and I have said that our relationship is the most important thing at the end of the day and are trying to invest in it staying strong. And keeping busy, getting out, enjoying life.
But…I’m writing this as much for me as for you as I had a day of hell yesterday following none of the above! 😅 I hope I can convey that you are absolutely not alone and that I hear how horrible it can be. Sending strength. 💜
Sorry you’ve been having a tough time with your journey too.
That’s very true! Social media can be triggering, thinking of getting rid to limit all the pregnancy pages and announcements!
Relationship wise has definitely taken a hit but my partner has been great bless him, but even he gets frustrated when he feels he can’t cheer me up as im in such a rut! Exactly as you have said, our relationship is first and foremost so best to focus on that. Thank you for reminding me of that fact as it definitely can get lost on the journey! Hope your well x
It is such a tough journey and I felt just like you do after I had 2 failed rounds, although I was not young, but I definitely felt like I had no hope left. I felt very sad every day and really struggled. But… then the third round worked. So, I 100% know exactly how hard it is. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining and time consuming and frustrating and unfair but it can also work. I have everything crossed for you that, like me, you are third time lucky. It does take most people 3 rounds so please keep going, gather your strength and support people around you and I really hope this is your time x 🍀
That’s amazing your third round worked, congratulations lovely! Sorry to hear you had a tough time prior to this round, I can totally empathise with you as feeling the exact same now! Hope your well and your pregnancy is a glowing, healthy and happy one!✨x
I had the exact same feelings as you a year and a half ago, I could have written this. I spent 4 years with no positive news and was in a deep black hole too. Everything felt so hopeless and no one understood. Friends were clueless and I found myself so angry with them and family for not getting it. ..But the little bit hope i had is now sitting next to me playing with her toys. Eventually we did get there, albeit 6 transfers later.
I don’t know what your situation is obviously, but please know, there is always hope out there. So many times I wanted to give up, and I was also considering donor eggs, and then our very last transfer was successful. It was a miracle!
Best of luck to you for the future, on whatever you decide to do.
We find strength in the tiniest places..You’re stronger than you know x
Sorry to hear you’ve had the same feelings, it a difficult hole to get out of isnt it. Exactly true about family and friends, whilst they have been great, they don’t fully understand and then everyone else walks on egg shells around me which makes me feel even worse as I feel guilty I’m making them feel that way.
So happy for you that you got your little babba! That’s amazing. I’m clinging on to that hope💖x
I am so sorry, this whole experience is unfair, exhausting and just heartbreaking at times. I think the majority of us on this forum who have had to do multiple rounds of IVF have been where you are at the moment at some point.
I got to a point where I thought we were going to have to give up, and I was convinced we were 'that' couple that it wasn't going to work for. I decided the best way to help myself was to get some counselling and also start to try and get my head around not having children. Fertility counselling hadn't worked for me but turned out I needed bereavement counselling... for the lost hope, failed rounds and in my case miscarriages. I lost all sense of who I was and counselling really helped me see that all my feelings were valid, and there was a way of managing them.
I had a break from IVF and made sure we did loads of stuff we couldn't do when doing IVF, so for example we went on holiday, and I think I cried solidly for the first 5 days but then started to think of the pro's of not being on the IVF treadmill and TTC. I started to take control of my diet, joined the local gym, and started taking control back of some of the elements of my life that I had lost control of along the way.
Whilst it didn't fix me, I can honestly say going into our 7th round I had a much more level headed attitude and even had a few things that 'would be ruined if the round worked' which I never ever thought I would be thinking (previously it was BFP or bust), I just had a much more balanced view of everything and I think thats due to taking back control and the Talking Therapies counselling on the NHS. Huge hugs xx
Sadly your right that us on this forum have been through it, feel you ladies are the only ones who can really understand.
Being ‘that couple’ is exactly where I am at right now, I feel I’m currently processing not having children and that’s the tricky part, my partner deals with it a lot better than me!
I would love to go away, I feel I need something to look forward too after all the stress, whether our next round works or not it’s needed lol. But with IVF costing so much we just cant afford a nice escape right now (ivf guilt and all that)
Will definitely take your recommendation of starting gym, I’ve been thinking of this as i enjoy swimming and my local gym has a good pool so think that will be a good distraction for when I’m feeling low, exercise won’t harm me! Will get back in touch with my counsellor to.
I hope your ok and thank you for always taking time to reply to posts, it’s really appreciated and always useful💖x
Hi, so sorry to hear of your struggles and I totally agree with the ladies above. We did multiple rounds and had multiple losses and couldn’t see a reason for many of them and that’s what made it hardest. I think i even have a previous post on here that was ‘what if I’m just not meant to be a mum’.
One thing a friend of mine - who did 4 rounds and 7 transfers before her little boy - told me was to not count round one. It’s more of a trial round whilst they see what does/doesn’t work and adapt from it. Then, she advised that outside of IVF it can take (lucky couples) anything from 4-5 months to get pregnant, but often longer. Part of this is fertilisation and part is whether the quality of the embryo is good (e.g. chromosonally). I think the difficulty with IVF is that you think it can be a magic fix to avoid all this but these factors also naturally play a part. So three transfers is like three months of trying naturally with some fertilisation help. So needing a few rounds or transfers can just be that the right embryo hasn’t been transferred yet - but doesnt mean that it won’t on a subsequent round (It only takes one and all that).
Everyone is different but the logic definitely helped me keep going and retain a tiny smidgeon of hope xx
Definitely the unexplained is what’s doing me in. And moving forward with all results fine I just feel if nothings changed and protocol is still on the same path as before (due to good response) then why would this round be any different. Difficult to get my head around. Unfortunately for us we’ve decided financially we can’t keep paying for tests and rounds, so this is our last shot, probably why I’m so emotional about it as it’s making me realise ‘wow this could be it’ and same as you felt before, maybe I’m just not meant to be a mum!
Thank you for your response and giving me some hope, glad things have worked out for you and hope your well! 💕x
yes it’s definitely the hardest, especially when it’s so expensive, too 😞
I totally understand - it’s difficult when you’re needing to stop and it’s purely due to finances. I really hope this works for you - have you got a second opinion elsewhere too? Interesting they’ve not changed your protocol at all. I had a good response to the stims but they changed my meds to encourage follicles to develop more consistently so more were mature at collection (for example). Have my fingers crossed for you x
Hi there. Not sure I can offer wisdom but I can certainly offer solidarity as I feel exactly the same. 3 egg collections, 3 failed transfers, 1 failed iui and 7 years of trying plus turning 42 in April and I have no hope left. I just don't and never have felt like ill be one of the lucky ones.
Its just unbelievable what all of us on this forum have to go through to achieve what comes so easily to others. I want them to KNOW how lucky they are lol I'm in danger of blurting it out at strangers in the street now! It's so unfair. It's stolen the last few years of my life but this year I've lots planned, holidays, concerts etc so trying to regain some control. Not doing the epic food and supplement strategy I did before
Dammit if I want cake I'm having cake!
Currently considering next steps - another crack at a collection or transfer my last frostie and move to donor. There's no right or wrong answers. Everything is luck and I'm wishing you lots of it!!
Hi Joey, so sorry to hear you’ve been on a long journey. I hope your ok! Your post did made me giggle, my crux is wine unfortunately but ive given up depriving myself of it if I fancy it!
I dont think people who have not been through it will ever know! Cant totally sympathise with telling people on the street comment 😂 see kids and pregnant people everywhere, and I work with kids so I’m really stuck with it😂hope your ok lovely and that your fertility journey is working out for you xx
For me and my husband we set the limit what we were happy to do as we didn't want this journey to consume us sanity wise and financially... Just as you said sometimes it doesn't happen for what ever reason. I know it's easier said than done but it's better not to put your whole heart in to this process and surround yourself with other things that make you happy and sane.. Basically don't forget to enjoy the life you are currently living and what ever will be will be x
Hi Raji, absolutely agree. I need to remind myself to surround myself with all the other good stuff in life! We have decided this will be our third and final round which is why I think I’m finding it harder, the reality of one shot left and it probably won’t go the way we want it to, but hoping threes a charm ey! Thank you for replying, hope you are well too x
Sorry to read ur sadness, I can relate to this. It’s so difficult when there’s no reasons or explanations to why it’s working for everyone else but not us.
What have u tried in ur first cycles?
Have they said if ICSI is appropriate for u?
I think u need change or something new to feel like something might work. If it’s just a case of try again it’ll be going over the same path that didn’t work.
Definately try journaling.
If I don’t know what to write I start by writing myself the question ‘how do I really feel?’
We had short protocol previous rounds, we’ll do another short protocol again as most people on here said that long protocol for low AMH didn’t work as great. We’ll be doing a double trigger to help mature eggs a bit more and probably ICSI but haven’t discussed this with clinic yet, embryologist said it wasn’t really needed but we’ll see in consultation! I have some insulin meds but that’s it really! Nothing major changing, just hope we get something to freeze this time!
Definitely going to give journaling ago! Thank you for replying and giving suggestions, hope your ok too✨x
I feel exactly the same and reading the comments really helps. I have no advice as I’m feeling really low myself. But you’re not alone. I hope and pray one day things will be easier for you, me and everyone xx
Hey, so sorry your feeling the same, I know it’s a rubbish place to be. The forum on here is so great and helped so much. If your ever in need of a chat/vent feel free to DM me, hold your ok x
I know exactly how you feel. Like you, I have lost all hope, and am about to start my next treatment cycle. I guess the positive noises I was getting throughout my treatment from my clinic made me think it would work out (plus I know 3 people it worked for first time so figured with all the positive reinforcement it would work for me too. It didn't, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks.
We are about to start our only self-funding cycle next month and I expect it to fail. So I started counselling last week.
I don't know if the counselling and everything that goes with it will work, its just a suggestion for you to try. I can totally understand why you expect it to fail, all I am saying as maybe you should learn some self-care strategies for if it does.
I definitely also thought two rounds would do the trick as people say the ‘first round doesnt count’ but I also think, well, why not!?
Sounds like your in the same boat as us with onto the self funding round, i really hope it works for you! Keeping my fingers crossed. I do have counselling but I must admit I’m hit and miss with it, ive enquired about another session so we’ll see! Hope your ok💕x
Hi Mlove12 sorry you are still on this battle the process of ivf is really tough isn't it, takes everything from you, so many ups and downs, emotionally, physically and mentally draining. In the end it often feels like all hope is lost.
I feel exactly the same as you right now although different circumstances , currently waiting for a follow up to discuss our next round which will be the 4th egg collection (second self funded) I have become desperate now and just fed up. It becomes even harder when family/friends around you just don't get all the feelings and say comments such as "miracles happen so many people get pregnant naturally after ivf try relax and it will happen argghhh!! ..." etc and the one that really upsets me is "you can adopt" because although I feel adoption is a wonderful thing, It is a massive decision to take that step to even consider or look into which I have yet to think about, so when they reel off that comment like it is so easy it really gets to me.
as you know going through fertility treatment takes so much strength without having to think ahead to much, it is like others have said living day by day, you can't really plan ahead in this journey so taking each step at a time is how I get by. some days are worse than others.
I feel for you with your best friend being pregnant, such a hard situation to be in, you want to be happy for her and share in the news, but the stage you are at are completely opposite and it feels so sad for you still struggling to conceive and wanting it so much. I have had this happen to me throughout the years it is not easy.
I just realised I have not given much helpful advice, all I can say is although hope is lost, every cycle brings with it new lease of hope and another chance, no two are the same. I always tend to feel better when a plan for treatment is in place and when I start so I hope this is the same for you. take care xx
Hi butterflies, your post is really lovely and thank you for sharing your experience. I think all of us having a vent and hearing others stories/feelings helps massively, makes the journey less lonely! I’m sorry to hear your undergoing another round, I really hope this time work for you 🤞🏼xx
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