advice

[Jeremiah22]

I have recently joined the fertility network so am new here and first day posting and hoping it will help. We had our first miscarriage in November and have been trying to conceive ever since but it’s been a struggle. It has definitely not been the happy journey I hoped for and it seems to be plastered everywhere on social media, my whole friendship group and people I know are getting pregnant is so hard to see. It’s torture I am really struggling with it all, the pressure I have unintentionally added to myself and then torturing myself for adding that pressure and thinking that’s why we haven’t got pregnant it’s a vicious cycle. It’s constant and I can’t switch off from it, it’s all around and constant reminders. I know that this will be having an impact on our ability to conceive and this breaks my heart even more. The 2 week wait is so difficult I dread going to the toilet in case I’m on my period again and it breaks my heart again. I have tried writing it down, what I’m grateful for, positive affirmations we have stopped with the apps and using ovulation tests to try reduce the pressure. I am looking at having fertility reflexology to try help have time to relax but wondered if anyone else had any other advice or tips who have been through the same thing?

[Minminminminh]

just wanted to send you hugs, we have all been there and it’s crap. To stop myself from going insane, I had to actively stop myself from searching anything pregnancy related on google. Had to give myself a break from it all by planning a holiday, starting new book or new series. Lots of hugs again, I know how it feels x

[Jeremiah22 in reply to Minminminminh]

thank you. I feel like a break from social media might help to but then I don’t want to miss out on hearing friends news. Planning a holiday sounds perfect and maybe a new hobby. where are you on your journey? Hope you are doing ok x

[Katiee1]

Hi lovely,

You are definitely not alone in all of those feelings, they are all completely valid. This is the hardest journey and there aren’t many let ups along the way. I’m three years into the journey and had 3 miscarriages so I really do know hard it is. I came off Facebook after our first mmc as I just couldn’t bare to see people’s announcements, so I just totally shut off from it. I would say to be open with the people close to you as well. It’s such a hard conversation to have but people were then a lot more sensitive which really helped me. If you need tp step away from certain friends/groups then do also. Those who care and love you will understand and will be there for you when you are ready. You are on your own journey (a sh*t one) and whilst it’s taking longer than it does for others, you too will get there one day, have faith in that. I have come out of this so much stronger, I’ve broken down, felt joy, felt heartbreak and felt completely lost a million times over but I’m still standing and you will too lovely. Have faith in your body that it’s really trying and when the time and all the sciencey bits align, your time will come 💗.

Only a message away if you ever need to vent xx

[Jeremiah22 in reply to Katiee1]

Thank you so much. Your comment almost made me cry, it truly is and nobody tells you how hard it can be. I haven’t told many of my friends but I am starting to be more open, spent time with friends of friends on the weekend who have all been through their own journeys it was good to hear I’m not alone. It’s true that you only see the good on social media. What would you ask people close to you not to talk about? Sorry to hear about your journey and losses that must have been heartbreaking, glad to hear you are feeling strong and keeping everything crossed for you x

[Katiee1 in reply to Jeremiah22]

Thank you lovely 💗. Bless you, it wasn’t intended to make you cry haha! I know how nice it is to hear from someone that can relate, so I always feel like I need to message as I felt so alone at the beginning of it all. I guess when we opened to them after our first loss, I didnt need to ask them not say certain things, they just got it. Before we always had the question of grandchildren and when we are having kids and now there’s none of that. People can be really insensitive and whilst it REALLY angers me, it’s because they are naive to it all and they are probably lucky enough to have not been through this. It’s amazing when you start to open up just how many people have been through similar, unfortunately not one really talks about the sad times. You’ve just got to put yourself first now in all of this, do things that bring you joy and if you need avoid difficult situations, just do it (which is sometimes hard if you’re a people pleaser like me!). You’ve got this xx

[MrsOrangejuice]

Welcome! This is a very supportive community and I hope you get some comfort and hope from it, even just knowing you are not alone in this. We were TTC for about 7 years as lockdowns got in the way after we finally made it to NHS for IVF, and I know how all consuming it is. I don't have any tips for dealing with it as I'm not sure I did very well at that, more went into a sort of angry denial, but one thing is that for us at least the pressure and stress didn't make any difference - I was about your age when we started TTC and having been educated from school that as soon as a woman comes of the pill they'll get pregnant immediately, I was very confident. That lasted a couple of years with various excuses - we weren't really trying, the timing wasn't right... Then because everyone says you just have to relax and stop thinking about it and it'll happen I went mad on pilates, mindfulness, we tried on long holidays, even took a short career break to travel... All very nice but didn't actually 'work'. Having now gone through IVF (and having had a LG) I think we may now understand the problem and can hopefully treat it or at least give ourselves a better chance. And it's not something that could have been solved by being relaxed, fit, saintly eating... It's a medical issue that needed medical intervention. Hopefully it will happen for you in time but if not, please don't stress about the stress or blame yourself x