And just like that, it’s over

[Waitingonarainbow]

So I had a beta on Friday and was told it was positive but slightly below where they would like the level to be. I asked about a CP but the nurse said although they couldn’t rule it out, it may be because they had taken my beta a few days early. I was so sure they would give me a negative result on so although it wasn’t ideal, it opened the floodgates to hope…

But this afternoon we got the phone call to say that my beta had significantly fallen, the doctor had reviewed the tests and felt there was no need for further bloods and I can stop progesterone straight away and wait for my period.

I am beyond devastated. I know this was just our first cycle, but the hope I have had since Friday allowed me to think about the little secret we would be keeping over Christmas, and I was already picturing us this time next year as a little family.

My husband is generally quite a positive person, so takes things in his stride, and he has been really supportive throughout all of the crap over the last few years, but the look on his face when I told him the result has killed me. He is heartbroken.

I have no idea how we are going to survive Christmas with our friends and family. Nobody knows that we had a transfer, and to be honest, I don’t want to tell people as they won’t understand…literally everyone we will be seeing have fallen pregnant whenever they planned to, and several people are either currently heavily pregnant or have newborns. (I’m so sorry, I can already hear the jealousy and resentment in my words, and I hate feeling this way)

[Esb27]

Oh no I’m so so sorry it’s turned out this way☹️, it’s never easy being told it hasn’t progressed but this time of year makes it all the harder.

I know it’s not ideal given the time of year but let yourself feel sad and upset about the decision, sometimes if you try to push the feelings under the rug it will come out another time which is never ideal. I guess maybe it’s a good thing no one knows as then they won’t be expecting an update or answers. Just keep the news to yourself and let you and your husband process it on your own terms and without annoying questions from family members.

Be kind to yourself though, this journey is tough enough as it is. Indulge a little over the Christmas period and don’t put any restrictions on yourself like I know we all do when we go through ivf. Also if you are ready don’t forget that as soon as your period arrives (likely in the next week or so) you can probably start again? Sometimes that gives people hope to know they can do again. But also it’s okay to take a break if you need that mental and emotional space.

Sending lots of love, you are stronger than you think, but let yourself feel the sad feelings as it will add to your overall strength in the long run x

[Waitingonarainbow in reply to Esb27]

Thank you for your message 💕

The restrictions may well be out the window for the next week or so!

With regards trying again, my clinic are not encouraging another cycle too quickly…they want us to have a debrief with a Consultant in January to talk things through and discuss next steps. This did throw me off slightly as because of my husbands travel for work, it could actually then be March before we’re getting started again! But I know I should appreciate the time to get my head on straight again before another cycle…

[Esb27 in reply to Waitingonarainbow]

Ah that’s fair enough, maybe as you had a chemical it’s different to when it just doesn’t work and you just try again. They might suggest a different approach or drug which could ultimately work so I get why they are doing it.

Just look at it like you will have more time to put back into yourself 😊ttc is all about you but you never feel like you can do what you really want!

[Waitingonarainbow in reply to Esb27]

How true!

I hope you’re feeling better soon…and wishing you luck over the next few weeks xx

[Esb27 in reply to Waitingonarainbow]

thank you 😘 xx

[Sjr1988]

sweetheart cut yourself some slack, you are allowed to feel jealous of people it’s natural! I remember my first transfer and I mc at 6 weeks and two girls at work were pregnant and I found myself feeling so jealous and bitter. This road to becoming a parent isn’t great, there’s no rules, no rights and wrongs. We just have to continue to have hope, hope that one day, one way or another we will be parents! I got my miracle on my 3rd round but boy what a journey I had to get there!

Sending you all the luck in the world for your next steps! Big hugs and sorry your little glimmer of hope has been snatched from you but it’s not the end darling x

[Waitingonarainbow in reply to Sjr1988]

Thanks for your message. I just hate being in this negative headspace but I know it’s probably a normal and common reaction

[Twiglet2]

I’m so so sorry lovely 😢 I know exactly how you feel 💜 the disappointment for yourself is hard enough but to see the person you love hurt by the news is even worse! That’s why we don’t tell anyone that we are trying either as that would be even more people to face! Christmas will be tough there’s no doubt so only do the things you can manage or go to things later or for only a while if that helps you not have to put in a brave face for too long. I’ve had this news this week too and I’m writing a wee mental list of all the things to be grateful for and all the things I can do this Christmas and new year that I couldn’t have if the pregnancy had stuck around …. I know deep down I would give it all up in a second to still be pregnant but it’s helping me see a glimmer of positive in a really crap situation. So I have now bought a magnum of Prosecco, planned a dog hike up a big hill, organised a boozy Christmas markets day and invited a few people over for Hogmanay drinks and then I’ve already planned my healthy eating and exercise stuff for the new year and we are going to think about next steps for IVF mid January to give us a few weeks of chill time first. Not sure if anything like that will help you but thought I would share just in case xxxx sending you a big massive hug 🤗❤️‍🩹

[Waitingonarainbow in reply to Twiglet2]

Thanks Twiglet 💕

It did cross my mind last night that at least I don’t have to field questions about why I’m not drinking over Christmas…even though, like you, I’d give anything to need to make those excuses

Mind yourself over Christmas x

[Lolalules]

absolutely normal to have those feelings, and at this time of year it’s even worse. This was us last year, after our first round, and my sister was 15 weeks pregnant with her fifth. It was really tough, but we planned lots of chill time and cancelled some plans and it passed by ok. Most importantly, do what feels right or comfortable for you and don’t force yourselves to do something because you think you should x

[Boohiss]

feel your pain…

This has just happened to me….

I’ve had 6 miscarriages now.

Our first set of ivf twins would have been 2 on Xmas day…. I want to tell the whole world to fuck off

[Waitingonarainbow in reply to Boohiss]

I’m so sorry to hear about your losses x