Really can’t believe I’m writing this but really looking for help and support. With four failed cycles with my own eggs and three with donor (one bfn and two miscarriages), I was really hoping this time was it.
I had previously had treatment abroad but finally got to the top of the list that a clinic I had used in the UK. It took 3 years. I bought 7 eggs from someone who was 23. Was so glad when they all defrosted. However call today only three fertilised and now none of them are looking like they will be suitable for transfer.
If they don’t transfer anything I go back to the bottom of the waiting list (currently two years long). I’m 46 as of last week and have been tic for 7 years. I’m just so upset. Luckily my parents have said they would help with finances but honestly I just feel like a freak. I feel like people would be judging me and saying why is she still bothering she’s too old.
Does anyone have any words of encouragement or suggestions for what’s next? I’m open to going abroad or the UK but I’m in Scotland so makes things a bit trickier.
thank you, I have got so much support and advice here before I am really hoping for some more!
K xxx
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Kmcdon
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Oh no I am so sorry that you have another disappointment.
For what it's worth I don't think you are too old, times have changed. I am fortunate enough to be pregnant with a DE transfer at 45 and will be 46 when hopefully I give birth. The midwife said to me the other day that I wasn't the oldest woman she has on her books, she is seeing lots more DE pregnancies so she has women 47/48 giving birth. Every time I meet a new medical person I almost pre-empt comments by making a 'I'm an old mum' type comment and everyone has outright rebutted that and said by far not the oldest by any means and really dismissed it which has been really reassuring.
Can you find another clinic? I appreciate you are in Scotland but my clinic in London commit to matching you with a donor within 12 weeks and I know others do similar.. I know that doesn't mean the round will start immediately but that's a lot better than 2 years.
I feel fitter, healthier and more prepared to have a baby than I ever have in my life and I have wanted one since 18 and we have been trying for 7ish years. I think we would stop if this one doesn't work out but that's actually more to do with my partners age rather than mine as he is over 50 now and its a real mental block for him - but thats a personal thing.. I would keep going. You can do it xx
Daisy1245 you always have such great advice and wise words. I really appreciate it! That helps a lot! Wishing you a healthy rest of your pregnancy and looking forward to seeing a picture when the time comes. Kxxx
Sorry to hear this - this whole journey is just so damn painful and hard. I had also been trying fr 7 years and it really can take its toll. One potential thought- have you looked into frozen eggs so you can try immediately. I know stats out there say different things about whether it's as good as fresh or not (very differing views) but it worked for us first time and.it means no waiting. We decided to just try donor once and so we bought two frozen lots from same donor (I am of Indian heritage so our choices were limited). Had about 21 eggs and got 6 x 5 day embryos and the first one worked. Happy to PM you details of the clinic we used in London who specialise in frozen eggs (and have sateliite clincs around the UK). It took a lot of the waiting pain out of the equation for us and also you are guaranteed a certain number of defrosted eggs etc and if you dont get them then they give you another lot of frozen eggs at no extra cost.
Hang in there. You are not too.old at all and if your heart still wants to go on then do!
Hi could you please tell me roughly the cost of IVF with DE here in UK. ( i may need don0r sperm too as my husband doesnt want DE and I need to divorce ). Just need to know how much will be the price. We have done two IVF abroad. Cyprus and Turkey. By the way I am also 46 and i really dont feel too old. Whoever saying that its rubbish.
Hi there,I started at 46 and had my baby at 48, and I'm so glad I did! Don't worry about what other people think. It's your life and your happiness.
Have you thought about adopting embryos? This might be the less expensive and faster option. Our egg donor only made one good quality embryo so we adopted an additional one and transferred both. One of them stuck and I now have my baby.
Don't give up. It's worth giving it another try. Good luck 💕 xx
Thank you so much, your words and advice really helped. Yesterday was a tough day. I’m feeling slightly more positive today and ready to get on with it. I’m sure tomorrow will be different but I think that’s how it goes!
Hi there, I am also up in Scotland and am 45. I moved to donor eggs after several failed rounds with my own and considered a clinic here but the waiting list was 2 years. So I went with a clinic in London and bought frozen eggs (am single so also used donor sperm). I had a 3 month wait to get access to the frozen egg bank. Unlike my OE rounds (did 1 in scotland, 2 in london) there wasn’t as much travel involved so only had to go down twice (once for a scan after starting meds and then back for the transfer) and I really enjoyed the wee trips to the big city! I got one good embryo from the first round and am currently 18 weeks. I’ll be nearly 46 by the time I give birth and have been overwhelmed by the amount of support I’ve had from friends, family and medical teams. No-one has commented on or questioned my age (or that I’m doing it solo) and beyond getting extra scans from 28 weeks (which I see as a bonus!), my age isn’t really being raised at all. So many ladies are having babies into their late 40s (and beyond) so I wouldn’t worry about what other people think at all. Wishing you lots of luck for the next step and feel free to PM if you want any info on the clinic I used xx
hello I had DE in north Cyprus and we got our son. If you want to know the clinic PM me. Don’t feel too old my coordinator said not age limit as long as you are fit and healthy xx
I read these posts every day. I have never been brave enough to post. They give me strength & hope and support. I also feel ungrateful & stupid because I’ve had a number of terminations in my life be use of a bad marriage & relationships. At 40 I fell pregnant by accident & despite making the rough decision to leave yet another toxic relationship & unbelievably my traditional mother saying we would raise the baby alone I lost the baby. Again it my was my fault when I found out I was pregnant I took an overdose because o felt so desperate & I didn’t know my mum would be so supportive. From then on I decided to go it alone. I was told I had a very low egg count & after a number of failed retrievals & transfers I decided to go with donor eggs. It wasn’t a hard decision for me. I know should it happen it will be my baby. I know some people struggle with it. For some reason I just don’t. Perhaps because I have friends who have adopted and I see the abundance of love & what little genetics matter. Besides there’s nothing particularly great about my insane family’s genes. My mum said it’s your blood, your body growing that will grow the baby of course it will be yours. I’m starting the process in the new year it will be a fresh retrieval & then hopefully any embryos will be frozen for me. My worry like you is that I turn 43 at the end of December & for the first time I’m worrying that I’ll be seen as old & I worry for the future. Maybe this post was alot & im sorry if it upsets anybody. I don’t even know why I’m writing this except that it’s only myself & my mum that knows what I’m doing & without reading these posts every day I’m not sure how I could’ve got this far. Thank you all for sharing I don’t think I’ll post again this was incredibly hard but I just wanted to thank each & everyone of you that has been my silent support x
Well done for posting, it sounds like you have had a very difficult journey but also lots of strength and love and support from your mum to go forward on your next step with donor eggs. Wishing you lots of luck with it, I honestly think there are so many over 40s mums out there now that it is more seen and accepted as a norm now. No-one knows what might be round the corner so we just have to go forward and try to make those hopes and dreams a reality ❤️ Sending love Xx
Thank you so much for responding. It was really brave and I can only send you strength and lots of luck for your journey. 43 honestly isn’t old and I would have been delighted if I had been successful at that age. I think like hopeful_dream it is much more accepted today. It means a lot to have your support. Thank you so much for responding to me. K xxx
I've been cringing & beating myself up all day for posting. There was something about your post that made it all pour out. So thank you for being honest & enabling that & again I’m sorry to anyone I might have upset with my honesty. We’re all just people with alot of love to give.
update - nothing for transfer, back to the bottom of a two year waiting list. Savings drained. Gutted and really upset. Just not in a good place. Thanks for all your advice and information on clinics, it really is appreciated.
Goodness I am so sorry to learn this. I imagine it must be a nasty shock when you've geared yourself up in so many ways. Not surprised that you're gutted in this circumstance. When youre using a donor in their 20s its perfectly normal to expect to get a few to blastocyst. I'm just wondering if you are able to change clinics to one with less of a waiting list if you will be trying again, 2 years seems extortionate, perhaps there are ones with shorter waits? I imagine all of that feels so unfair when you've already waited so long. I started looking at donors and noted this and felt anxious about the potential if it didn't work and going back to the bottom of the list. Xx
thank you. Yes people have been really helpful in suggesting places with no waiting lists. I think it’s also a psychological thing of probably now being 47 at least before I could have a baby. I think I feel so old and strange. I know it’s more common these days but still feel odd and different. K xx
I think its really important that you don't give yourself a hard time about your age but recognising that and not doing it are different things aren't they. I guess me, or anyone, reassuring you won't necessarily stop you from having those feelings. I wonder whether it might be worth linking up with an over 40s group or speaking to a therapist to try and get past the worries on your age as they will be adding to an already difficult place you're in xx
Of course, I'm pleased the words offer some comfort. I recall the admins on here mentioning there is a Facebook group for over 40s if you were interested, perhaps DianeArnold or JA-fnuk can put the link for that group below in the comments so you can use it if you choose to. Please take care. You've been through a gruelling time and unexpected / upsetting result but you will be okay whatever happens xx
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