Dealing with pregnancy anxiety after IVF and loss

[FertilityPartner]

Hello,

My wife is currently 6+3 weeks pregnant after our 3rd FET. We unfortunately had a miscarriage at 6 weeks with our 1st FET and have been undergoing fertility treatment for 5 years.

We are obviously over the moon to be pregnant again and to have got this far, but equally feeling incredibly anxious. We found out we were pregnant at around 4.5weeks and initially my Wife was the most anxious, that seems to have changed now and she is feeling excited, positive and everything I should probably be feeling. I am riddled with anxiety, each day seems like a lifetime and I'm counting down to 12 weeks.

To add to this, our friends who started trying naturally at the start of this month, planned their conception journey around our transfer in a hope to get pregnant at the same time as us and so that we can experience parenthood together. This is something we should probably feel quite honoured about, but I can't help but feel like it adds pressure. Not only were we kept well informed of their planned conception days during our TWW, they announced to us last night they are pregnant whilst filming our reactions, which of course is fantastic news, but their experience could not be any different to ours....

We've been sent test line photos, videos of her finding out and then a video of her telling him, all this fairy-tale stuff you see plastered over social media. This is nothing we have had the experience of. Our TWW was overtaken with anxiety, we tested multiple times watching and hoping for the line to get darker, we felt the need to tell anyone who knew we had the transfer as we were being asked if we had tested. Our friends are both understandably excited about their pregnancy, they've started buying baby clothes and talking about how they're going to tell their families. My Wife is so happy for them and I am too, but I can't help but worry about something going wrong for us and then having to experience them have their baby, and then their baby/child going through all their milestones etc and us not having that, with our babies being 2 weeks apart, it's just so close.

Am I being a completely self-centred, over-sensitive person, or would others feel like this? My Wife is frustrated about my negative view on things and wants me to be as excited as her, but I can't seem to get the negative 'what if' thoughts out of my head and feel somewhat annoyed at our friends for being so naïve to how we are feeling.

[jjbean900]

Hi there. First off, congratulations! I just wanted to say that what you are feeling is completely normal. With the IVF prices, there are so many ups and downs. It sets couples up for the expectation of a letdown - always waiting for the other shoe to drop. As difficult as it is, enjoy what you are experiencing now. Here is a great article which discusses the effects of IVF emotionally: mamasconnected.com/post/inf...

Best of luck to you 😊

[Rain415]

Hi,

You are not over reacting. I had a fairly similar situation. Trying for 3 years, 3rd transfer 2nd FET worked 5 months after our miscarriage. My friend told me she was pregnant with her 2nd and she was 3 weeks behind me. And how we would have baby besties. They got pregnant first month trying 'to see what would happen'. All I could think about was if we lost the pregnancy she would be a constant reminder of what we could have had. Everything turned out okay in the end, we both have healthy 7 month olds. Concentrate on you, your partner and the pregnancy. My anxiety didn't really ease up until 24 weeks so give it time and don't beat yourself up for feeling like this. I wish you all the luck in the world for a healthy pregnancy x

[Missl73]

Congratulations on your pregnancy first of all. I can COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from and am certain I would feel exactly the same. We experienced many years of IVF including a loss after our first round and I could never enjoy pregnancy in the way that others maybe can. I was really quite shocked to read what your friends have done, I actually think it's incredibly insensitive but if I'm being generous it's the way someone might behave if they have not experienced such heartache themselves. I really get why you would feel that it adds the pressure and to me it shows a total lack of consideration or empathy for why you may be being more conservative with your feelings at this time. I think that the only way to handle pregnancy after loss is one day at at time. It is lovely that your wife is able to be happy and enjoy it - no matter how you handle it it won't influence the outcome being anxious doesn't stop something bad from happening. I wish I'd been able to take more of a leaf out of her book x

[Ivfgotadream]

firstly congratulations!

secondly - and only semi light heartedly - you need to find new friends! I’m sorry but that’s really weird of them to tell you the exact nights they are having sex to conceive! I mean I could maybe understand if it was your identical twin brother you were coordinating with - is it? Because if not it’s just a bit…..much?! Filming your reactions?!! - I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark here and ask if they are British? Or are they u tubers or something?! And yes I completely agree about the added pressure! And yes they are being incredibly insensitive.

I hate the term but I’d probably be “stepping back” for a little bit - If they are such good friends that they tell you when they are having sex then I’m sure you can tell them the pressure and anxiety you are feeling and they’d understand?

[Hidden]

I know what you're gong through, weve been there and it was incredibly difficult. We had ICSI with both our girls and with our first my husband's sister started trying a month before our first transfer. I didn’t know though until she announced her pregnancy a couple days after we found we were pregnant. I was sooooo angry with her. I couldn't help but feel that she had not only watered down a very special moment for us but also added pressure to our pregnancy.

I ended up not wanting to see her much and feared that we would lose ours and I'd have to watch them have their baby.

You're friends are incredibly insensitive and obviously don't realise what they've done. Until you go through this you really don't know the anxiety and sadness it comes with.

In their defence, they see this as wonderful that you're on this journey together but have missed the point completely thar you've been on different journeys from the beginning.

my advise is to try to relax. Worrying won't do anything. Try to enjoy this beautiful time with your wife 💕 you both deserve it

[Matty38]

Ivf and pregnancy which are convinced naturally are so different so I dont think you are being self centred at all. It's a very hard journey to through even before you get 2 lines. I would say your friends are very insensitive, or are they incredibly stupid.