I am not really happy,is it weird,help! I am loosing my mind

[Star3129]

Hi Lovelies,

Me and my husband have been trying to get pregnant practically ever since we got married.My younger sibling who married later kept travelling back and forth to see his wife and in January he had some problem and had to see the doctor in his country and bam just like that in April we get to know they are expecting.

Long story short just today about 3 hours ago we got the news they had a baby boy and my parents and relatives are also calling and messaging us to congratulate which is totally fine but it is affecting me a lot more even to my husband but to me it is on my mind.

I know lot of you will be thinking it is not normal or I should be happy trust me I am trying hard but could not face the fact that we started this journey long back and still waiting to get pregnant and have a baby and with my sibling just like that it happened.

I don't know what I am needing just wanted to share this with someone who can relate and are sailing the same boat.

Even if anyone of you don't agree with me on this please be kind with your words,any suggestions or advice highly appreciated.

Thank you for reading and while writing this to you guys kind of feels comforted.

[HollyT7]

I've been there many times! it was and still is hard to hear how people just get pregnant, not that I would wish infertility and treatment on anyone. a relative of mine got pregnant 3 months after her 3rd child and had the cheek to tell me to hurry up and put 'it' back in so we can be pregnant together (referring to our forstie), as she clearly thought that it was that simple!

Your time will come lovely xx

[Star3129 in reply to HollyT7]

Thanks for the wishes,I hope that soon🤞I were to have transfer on 4th this month but had to cancel this cycle because of swelling in my calves.

Sometimes it feels what is that we are lacking at or what could be done right but i guess it is only the time which is already written and a praying and hoping.

[Hidden]

This is totally normal. I think most of the women on this forum have been there and can empathise with you. My sister had 2 children whilst we were going through IVF, one whilst I was miscarrying and one on the day I got a BFN. I really resented her for being pregnant and really struggled with all the family worrying about her during her pregnancy and expecting me to support her when she struggled a bit post birth.

I don't know if its the same for everyone but I did find once the baby was here and I met them I didn't have so much pain, jealousy and anger. I found it was actually the pregnancy I was more jealous of and I have grown to love my niece and nephew despite the fact I haven't yet managed to give birth myself as they have grown up (they are now 4 and 2 and we have been TTC for 8 years or so). Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. No one really understands infertility and IVF unless they have been through it so don't be surprised you get the congratulations rather than sympathy. Huge hugs xx

[Star3129 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for reading and I am struggling to get pregnant since 11 years on and off(took break in between as it was frustrating) and last year one of my friends who was also struggling with infertility got pregnant and delivered baby boy in june this year. I wish every individual whosoever wishes to have their own child should never be deprived of this feeling.

[Hidden]

I have also been there and I think it’s natural. My sister telephoned me to tell me she was pregnant with her 2nd child 3 days after a failed IVF and I hung up. For her she felt she wanted to quickly tell me before anyone else so we could talk but for me it was completely crushing. That child is now 17 and a young mummy herself (and doing a great job of it)

Struggling with infertility is so heart breaking at times and no one can understand unless they have been in that situation.

Your feelings are completely understandable and you don’t need anyone to validate them. Just allow yourself to feel sad when you need to it’s ok.

Sending huge hugs x

[Star3129 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the hugs,need it badly.

I just want to be on the calling side where me and my husband calls and people congratulate us for being pregnant and delivering,can't imagine how great that will be.



[MomaJoni]

Trust me, it is absolutely normal to feel that way. Every single pregnancy announcement since I started trying for a baby over 13 years ago has hit me hard. How people take it for granted, I am now to the point where my neices and nephews are starting their own families before me and it hurts the same every single time. It doesn't stop me loving the new relatives, but it just reminds me how hard done by we are for having fertility issues.

Your feelings are normal and they are justified xx

[Star3129 in reply to MomaJoni]

Thanks so much feels good to know that I am not alone thinking this as some people say you should be happy about others ofcourse I am but at the same i am struggling which makes me disappointed.

This journey is not easy someone please go and tell them.

[butterfliez]

Hi this is completely normal to feel this way & as you can see most of us have felt the same, it is so frustrating when all you want is a family to raise but everything seems to not work out , and yet it always seems family & friends around us get pregnant so easily, whilst we have to endure years of infertility, treatments, sometimes even losses.

I have found the pregnancy & birth announcements always made me feel sad for us , and jealous, I have a large family where none of them had fertility issues but of course I am the one that it doesn't happen for, the common thought of "why can't my body just do what it's supposed to" the good thing in this is we have this community to not feel so alone and know there are so many of us out there going through similar things.

I don"t have any advice on this but know these feelings will pass eventually x

[Abloured84]

absolutely normal. it sucks . xx

[Star3129 in reply to Abloured84]

why is it so difficult for few.

[Aquaharmony]

I think this is completely natural. I only really experienced this recently as many of my friends have children and although of course I want a child I have previously been able to keep my feelings separate. However, when we recently found out my partner's brother who is in a new relationship is having a child I spent the next day crying on and off while working from home alone. My friends have been really supportive and my partner also explained how difficult he was finding the news. Having your feelings validated as normal makes it easier but I am still on a journey to being able to be genuinely happy for them and although it will take time with support and sensitivity from the family I hope I can be good with it and hope you have the support you need to know it is OK to feel how you feel without it making you a bad person. 🤗♥️

[Ubeeten8]

I would feel exactly the same xxx

[Britt86]

I totally get this! My younger sister and I started trying at the same time(4 years ago), she now has 2 daughters and I have no kids…I found it really hard at first but I’ve gotten over it. I have learned to focus on all of the fun things I get to do because I don’t have kids and then when I go through another FET(just had my forth one last Thursday) I let myself focus on fertility then. That’s what works for me and it’s helped me feel like myself again and enjoy life! I hope this helps! Good luck! ❤️

[Star3129]

Thanks for the wishes 💕 may be you right but I am finding it ereally difficult.

Waiting for my fet to start soon once I start with periods 🤞hope we both get are most awaited babies 👶

[Liberty82]

I can totally understand where you're coming from. We started TTC in 2013 and my sister who already had one son wanted another. I still wasn't pregnant when she told me she pregnant a year later on first try. When my first nephew was born I was besotted, I loved him like my own but I found her second pregnancy tough and Ioved my second nephew when he was born but it was bitter sweet and didn't feel the same as first time around. We grew close over the months and by the time he was 6 months old I adored him more than I can even articulate.

All through my TTC my sisters two boys were my little rays of light. They were my surrogate sons. They were 10 and 6 when my beautiful daughter was born and I can honestly say all three are like my children, I love all three of them equally. I'm grateful my sister allowed me to take on the roll of second mum. They helped fill the baby shaped hole in my life and I lavished all my love on them. As my bond grew with my youngest nephew I felt a lot of guilt about how I'd felt when he was born but it was tough for me and it only highlighted the shit hand I'd been given with regards to fertility.

It's OK to feel how you do, it's only natural for this to be a bittersweet moment for you. It's like a punch in the gut but at the same time you love your nephew. At the moment it's still quite delicate and there's lots of excited baby chatter but this will die down in a week or two and you'll be able to form your own bond with your nephew.

[Star3129 in reply to Liberty82]

I know what you said makes sense but the thing is since a few years relation with my sibling is not that great and we found out about the pregnancy through my mum first.

Also my mum has always been leaned more towards my sibling which has made the situation even worse now.

It is like I only can be at ease when I don't talk or bothered about them.I know a few of few would find it strange but just felt like sharing it someone who can understand.

Thanks for reading and your experience. Feels good to know I am not weird totally feeling this

[blue_anemone in reply to Star3129]

What you say about being at ease when not bothering with them makes total sense and is perfectly normal! They seem to be a trigger for you in more ways than one, so it makes complete sense that you find it easier to not deal with them.. Don’t be hard on yourself!! I know we’re supposed to love our families (and we do!!) and always have a merry time, but life and reality are more complicated than that..

[Star3129 in reply to blue_anemone]

Thanks for the reassurance that it is OK not to feel ok.

You are right by saying 'trigger' which is only calm when I don't really talk and not aware what they are upto.

[blue_anemone]

I think the way you feel is absolutely normal!! At times I’ve felt the sting of resentment towards pretty much anyone with children, including family members.. It’s an ugly feeling, and I know I’m being toxic towards myself 😅 as it’s impacting the way I interact with family members and my nieces and nephews (I’ve felt anger and not wanting to connect with them, and express my love for them, because they represented something I didn’t have).

Give yourself grace, you’re only human. Talk with your husband, be angry together, cry together, do whatever feels cathartic. Accept your feelings for what they are without shame or guilt. Try guided meditations, I find them very helpful (YouTube is full of them!).

And try to get in touch with your authentic self, try to imagine how you might be acting/feeling if things were different, and then try and embody that vision of yourself. It helps me be more present in the moment, and a better auntie/sister-in-law.

[Star3129 in reply to blue_anemone]

I have thought of meditation but nothing really works at this time the moment I close my eyes all this appears.

But will try again and will focus my energy on what should be done.

Thanks for reading and taking out time to reply, means a lot

[blue_anemone in reply to Star3129]

It’s SOOO normal for your mind to be scattered when trying to meditate, especially if you’re not used to it!! The first few meditations might feel like a waste of time, as if you haven’t managed to concentrate on anything, and it will feel like a battle with your brain, as you constantly have to gently reel it back in from wherever it has wandered off to. It might seem impossible that you will ever be able to meditate, but it does get easier to get immersed (I thought I would never get the hang of it, but I have!!).

I like themed guided meditations, for example for acceptance, forgiveness, letting go, those are the kind of things I find helpful. But just type in “guided meditations for…..” and whatever you want to focus on, and you’ll get a bunch of results! Also, try a few different ones on the same theme, make sure you like the voice of the narrator, the “storyline” or their style, etc.

[Star3129 in reply to blue_anemone]

Sounds promising will definitely try out with the guided as you explained.