CRISIS what do I do?! 😔 : Hi all, As... - Fertility Network UK

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CRISIS what do I do?! 😔

Faith103
Faith103

Hi all,

As always hope everyone is as well as they can be on their journeys.

I just wanted some advice I had surgery in sept to remove endo and I was told my best time to try naturally for children is since the lap for about 9 months. As time is passing by I’m having little hope in this happening naturally especially with only having one tube.

Unfortunately I lost my job in nov due to endo and taking time off. In the new year I got my head together and started looking for work anyways, today I’ve been offered the ideal job good money,room to progress and stability. However I’m planning on doing my ivf in the next few months because I feel il always hate the fact I didn’t try at the right time. How am I going to start a new job and then tell them I’m trying for ivf. I already mentioned I have therapy every Friday and she won’t allow it so I doubt she will allow me to have time off for ivf. I’m thinking I’m going to have to follow my dreams which is obviously children. I’m going to have to stay out of work because no job will take me on in my situation. So upset I have to turn down a job I want because I need to try ivf and if ivf doesn’t work il be upset even more because I’ve lost the job. Any advice on what to do I’m currently living of my partner who pays all the bills and supports me but I won’t let him keep doing this. Thanks 🙏 xxxx

20 Replies
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I’m so sorry to hear you find yourself in such a difficult situation. You have shown great strength and courage to go out and find another job having suffered such trauma.

I’m not impressed with the sound of a manager who won’t facilitate you attending therapy. That doesn’t bode well for her being flexible about IVF appointments. I know it’s not an option for you with this new job, but I ended up going part-time in my current role as we did 5 cycles in one year.

It was a huge psychological adjustment for me to being mostly reliant on my husband (in the past, I’ve covered three part-time jobs at once!) It was very lonely at first - what was my role? However, after several months I adapted to it. My “job” has been doing things to help our fertility project (acupuncture, cooking, yoga/ exercise, medical appointments, Psychotherapy, Chinese medicine).

You say that you can’t let your partner support you, but it may be helpful to look at where that idea has come from. It won’t be forever. You have a medical condition that is affecting your life. Perhaps you could put a time limit on “time out” from work (e.g. 6 months) and try it for a period. It should really come down whether you as a couple can financially stretch to it, I would think. You know what is best for your own particular situation, however.

On the other hand, here I am with embryos at 44! There are so many modern options that you won’t be giving up on if you decide to put things off for a couple of years.

Best of luck with this difficult decision. Let us know how you get on. xx

Just wanted to add, my endo was only Stage 1 (it was much worse when I was younger) but I also had tissue removed during laparoscopy with no resulting pregnancy. Turns out the main difficulty was on my partner’s side but this had been overlooked due to my history. I’m sure you have checked this out with a semen analysis/ dna fragmentation but just thought I should mention it. xx

Faith103
Faith103
in reply to FluffyPink

Partners semen sample is bang on. It’s on my profile if you want to have a look. I’ve been really lucky with him not having problems as well as me xxxx

Faith103
Faith103
in reply to FluffyPink

Your exactly right that’s what my mum said if she’s not allowing therapy then is she really worth working for? What will happen if I have a bad endo day and I’m unable to attend work. Your right about my partner he always offers to help but I feel so guilty. He says we can stretch it out but I just worry so much about money. But your right you speak exactly like he does he says he wants me to be as less stressed as I possibly can be and wants to give it our best shot. Maybe this means just staying out of work and allowing myself rest and time. I have an appointment next week to get a camera inside to check inside my bladder so things are still on going. I have thought about maybe getting something part time or even doing a nail course so I can work for myself xxxx it’s so tough thanks for your reply. How are you doing on your journey. Embryos at 44 that’s amazing. My AMH is 14.2 so I don’t know how quickly that will drop this is what scares me 😟

FluffyPink
FluffyPink
in reply to Faith103

Your partner sounds lovely (and great you can talk to your Mum, too!) 💕 It’s very hard to give up on taking a job you would really like but in a few years you will barely think about it at all.

Letting go of that guilt will feel amazing 😇 It is difficult as a feminist and an independent woman to feel you are relying financially on a man (speaking for myself here 😂 ) but nature hasn’t exactly been kind to you and there will be other times he needs to lean on you more!! Life is unfortunately not fair and we need to grasp any lucky breaks that we can. The two of you are a team, so whatever helps your health will make his life easier and happier too.

I can understand you worrying about the AMH (I never had mine tested until I was 40 as I only met my husband then). I’ve been told that maintaining a healthy lifestyle apparently helps to keep it high (which you are doing anyway). A lot is down to genes though, I think - it’s just luck! I was vegetarian for 20 years - don’t know if there is any scientific evidence for that helping but might be something! My mother is still trying to convince me to eat liver 😂

I’m doing well thanks, though not really sleeping! Has been a v nerve-wracking week over the 6-day wait for our first donor sperm cycle (for PGS), but thankfully we had good news. I’m still shaky from the stress of it all!

Off to bed now. The most helpful thing that a friend of mine ever said to me is that “You will have your baby - it’s just a matter of how”. She had her two through IVF in her thirties.

Lots of love to you & well done hanging in there! xx

Hi, I am very sorry to hear about the difficult time you are having and all the questions you have regarding accepting this dream job or not. Even if only you what’s best for you, I could not read your message and walk away. I am appalled by the way your potential Future manager is behaving regarding your therapy session on Friday. Mental health in the workplace is such a hot topic at the moment. I just can’t believe they could not find a way to accommodate you.

This make me think that the job might looks good on the paper but if your manager can’t support you with your therapy appointment then maybe it’s not the job for you as you will need more time off with ivf.

Also, maybe if you are not working you will be more relaxed during your treatment. This could be a good thing.

Don’t worry about your partner, I am sure he is very happy to support you. Maybe he sees it as a way to help you with ivf (since you are going to be the one who is going to take the drugs and will have to deal with all the side effect and he won’t).

I wish you all the best of luck

Take care x

Hey, sorry to hear you’ve had a tough time.

I agree with the ladies here and your mum that if your new manager isn’t willing to support therapy - which is so important then I don’t think that is the right place for you.

This process is overwhelming and stressful as it is and you don’t need any added stress from an environment like that, especially as you’ll need scans etc.

You need to put yourself first - which is hard at the best of times and I can’t imagine you feeling like you can working with someone like that.

I had a lady join my team who has therapy every week and I didn’t even question it as firstly I understood and also if it helps her feel better she may well be able to progress and therefore help the team more. Also from an HR point of view Id have thought it should be something they make allowances for - it isn’t a taboo subject like it once was after all.

I hope you are able to come to the best decision for you and wishing you lots of luck xxx

P.S well done on getting the job regardless! Xx

It's such a tricky situation. Could you even get a job saturday/Sunday so that you feel like you are contributing but will be available for appointments during the week? Xx

Hi, before you turn down the job you might want to look into your employer’s policy for medical appointments. Fertility treatments should be treated the same way as any other medical appointment. Fertility Network has a great fact sheet on this: fertilitynetworkuk.org/wp-c...

Re: therapy, I am so sorry your would-be manager is unsupportive of your seeking mental health treatment. If your mental health issues are chronic, you could ask for reasonable adjustments under the Equality Act to be able to attend therapy, work from home on occasion, etc. Here’s a fact sheet: rethink.org/Factsheets/7394...

Of course, you may find it will be an uphill battle, regardless of your legal rights, if your manager is going to continue to be unsupportive. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and it makes me so angry when employers are this inflexible. They’re missing out on the best person for the job. Wishing you the best ❤️

Thanks for all your advice everyone. It looks like they have pushed me away and not offering me the job now because of my therapy I got an email yesterday saying she would chase this up for me if I could still start and I’ve had no response so most likely with her ignoring me and not responding the job has gone anyways and is no longer mine. Decision is made for me xxxx

cggregory
cggregory
in reply to Faith103

They withdrew your offer because you asked if you could go to therapy? I’m pretty sure that’s discrimination. If you have the time/energy, you should speak to an employment lawyer. You might even be able to get a settlement.

Faith103
Faith103
in reply to cggregory

She’s taken the offer away before she hasn’t written up my offer of employment letter so I prob don’t have a leg to stand on ☹️ so hard work this fertility and endo life xxxx

cggregory
cggregory
in reply to Faith103

Oh, love, I’m so sorry. It’s such a hard road, isn’t it? ❤️

You have to think what’s best a baby or a job with a foul manager who won’t let you have time off what if you do go for this job? Have time off regardless pulling sickness and what not then get pregnant anyway are you going to have flexible working hours this job is already not for you i don’t see no ideal job here or stability in what you mention.you don’t even have to tell them about ivf.and I’m sure your partner will be there regardless your partner is supposed to be there to lean on if need be .you saying you won’t let him keep doing this makes it sound like your having this baby on your own Surley he understands what you are going through, what your both going through!please don’t suffer in silence and tell your partner how your feeling wish you all the best and success I can really feel the stress from this post I hope you make the right decision for your situation only you really know the answer as much as we can support and offer advice

Sorry these comments came up after I posted I see you didn’t get the job good ridden I say on to a better life

Faith103
Faith103
in reply to Afrohair

She just didn’t respond today when she said she will speak to the HR team about me having time off for therapy. I’m presuming she just wants to let me down gently. I’m still in the same position really as I need a job but no job is going to allow for ivf when I’ve just started. I’ve just been on the phone to my mum who has suggested I just don’t go back to work and have a few shots at ivf. I think it’s a good idea but I worry how I will feel if cycles are unsuccessful then I’m stuck with no family no money and no job. My mum suggested going to college in sept to do hairdressing as I am qualified but it’s been 5 years and I haven’t used it so I would need to recap but that way I could work as and when it suits me.just so difficult xxxx

Afrohair
Afrohair
in reply to Faith103

Sounds like you’ve got a very loving caring mum who understands what your going through if it was me personally I wouldn’t go back either if you can afford not to it’s not just the time off it’s the added stress of the job if your getting so much pressure for an interview can you imagine working for them whilst trying for a baby ? its proven that stress is a big thing when trying to conceive aswell you need as little stress as possible you just need to concentrate on your self getting your body ready for pregnancy taking vitamins, eating healthy, you will always have your mum to talk to through it all and your partner and us on here your not alone x

I struggle not to stress as it is as I have an over active brain lol. I think I need to stay off it’s going to be a struggle but I feel like this is my best shot as my specialist doesn’t want to do anymore surgery. Yes my mum is always there but she’s even struggling with this one. My partner can support us for a few months but since my surgery in sept I’ve been out of work for a bit then I lost my job in nov he’s been paying for everything and we have used a lot of money because of that xxxx

Afrohair
Afrohair
in reply to Faith103

I’m the same I’ve been off since September due to endo and also ttc I’ve been getting sick pay which just about helps

Faith103
Faith103
in reply to Afrohair

Is that sick pay form your work or from the government.xxxx it’s so hard work 😓

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