So my partner keeps telling me to fuck off. And keeps flying off the handle. We’ve had issues and problems from day one and just don’t work. I was in a situation where at 37 I had given my best years to him and just been victim to his awful life and thought it would be best to have a child here then wait however long it would take to start again. I am finally pregnant and at 6 weeks and this guy I’m worried has ruined everything. I told him to get counselling and because he’s so emotionally inept he gets triggered and bring me his issues. I have lost respect for him even as a human. I feel sorry for him sometimes. Fights fights fights fights. Then we can’t resolve them because I’m so livid that there was even a fight in the first place. Really can’t forgive him, for distracting me. He literally is just in my way all the time. When all I want is someone to care and treat me right. Now what?
No hope: So my partner keeps telling me... - Fertility Network UK
No hope
This is a tough one. I have to be honest though ….. having a child when you are in such a bad relationship is never a good idea. It’s really not fair on the child at all. It infuriates me that people do this. But now that you are 6 weeks your priority is that beautiful little button in your womb who needs you now. To be strong to be relaxed and to be as healthy as possible. If it is not working with your partner … go it alone there is lots of support out there. No child should have to be brought up in a turbulent relationship even if it is just until you can move on. The damage will already be done!
Thank you for your response. You’re absolutely right and of course my focus is on my sweet beautiful little button. And that’s why I get so upset at any disturbances. Believe me I was raised in a violent home to the most turbulent home life. And have always been so careful to not turn into one of those cliches. Staying to try make it work. It feels like materially there is a lot of stability and security. But the way we relate and communicate - is just mental. Like two aliens. I am a popular person and have never ever had such issues with anyone in my life. He has a kid from previous and that has caused my life to be like a Jeremy kyle show for 4 years. So I think it’s the fall out from all that.
It must be awful having to deal with this and IVF at the same time. I can understand the idea that starting again can be daunting but staying to try and make it work doesn’t sound healthy for you. Could you try a few weeks on your own at a friend’s house? Just trying to come up with a suggestion to break the vicious circle x
Oh the kindness in this message just makes me feel so emotional. That is a great suggestion and much gentler than just pulling the plug. We have been living at home and locked down and I’ve been working for the nhs from home and isolated for over two years straight so I think this could be a good solution. There’s no friends to be found but maybe after the Easter holidays go to my mums for the week or a few days and I think I’ll go tonight too. Plans and practical solutions are so helpful right now. Thank you ❤️
It’s hard because you’re pregnant so it’s much harder to leave. But honestly, I’d start making preparations to leave. Do you have family? Could you move nearer them as a support network. You’ve said yourself it’s not working, you’ve lost respect and that environment will be toxic for your new born. Hard decision but definitely one I think is for the best rather than slide further down this slope
Hi thank you for your message lovely. It really means a lot that people take the time to respond here. I think I’m many ways that may make me feel worse? So I’m not sure. But certainly taking space and breaks and doing whatever it takes to keep myself focused on me and baby’s health is number 1 priority. I just waited my whole life for this moment and am making memories of my first pregnancy here and i didn’t expect all the drama. Am I living in fantasy land?
I don’t think you are leaving in fantasy land but I do think you cannot pick and choose which parts of your life to focus on as all the parts are linked together. It sounds like you don’t care about him and would still like to stay because you want to focus on baby, but actually, focusing on baby also means ensuring he will be in a safe, stable and caring environment from day 1, so you need to start planning for that, which means you need to leave. Having been with someone who didn’t look after me and had major mental problems (despite our economic situation being very good), I can sympathise with struggling to find the moment to move on, but believe me, you will be so much better off and could finally allow the space to find a partner that values you and cares for you. He will not change and you will always be miserable. Break the cycle so that your baby doesn’t have to experience that and can grow not knowing what a toxic environment is.
Pops, I'm actually concerned about you. It sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and that is cyclical - it's not going to stop. Having a break from him might be an easier step for you to leave him, but it's going to make him worse. I know what I'm saying is not what you want to hear, it's daunting going it alone, but please go and speak to a professional who can help you break the cycle.
Thanks both. I hear you. And I’m sorry for your similar experiences. I have told him that this is last chance saloon and he has entered himself into councelling and is in touch with helplines for domestic abuse perpetrators and also a spiritual class - which have a lot of referrals from AA to support Him. Along with some hard cold truths from my mum served to him straight and my uncle coming to intervene and has offered himself as a mentor for him. He appears to be trying to help himself and has said he is remorseful and sorry and that all he can do know is prove himself to be able to conduct a healthy relationship. And I have made the decision that however hard or unfair it may seem, at the earliest sniff I will leave and go and stay at my mothers so I’m drawing as firm a boundary as possible. It maybe some going and froing but hopefully he will see from my actions that he will be left if he doesn’t make some permanent changes immediately. I know you say he won’t change and it won’t change but I’d really want to feel like I tried everything possible before walking so I don’t have to live with regret. Yes I have made clear my priority is the baby, I make that clear daily. But actually I thinking your right to try and heal us is part of that. I think I would like to be with him but I feel sometimes from the way that we relate and communicate that there’s just no hope for a bright future. I have some support in my family so I guess I’ll try a bit more and stay focused on heath and well being of us all. It feels a bit like baby sitting and he certainly has some maturing to do in order for us to have conflict without the risk of an angry reaction. I think he must feel entitled because he is mr nice guy all the rest of the time and is running around doing everything he can to keep me happy. But no point if you turn around and have these little flare ups. Oh gosh I could go on but I’m leaving it to his therapist and told him to access wrap around care so he doesn’t come out of it triggered and hypersensitive and looking to me to resolve his grievances. Who knew it could be this much work. I don’t know if he’s just a typical man in some ways, but I can tell you after precious serious relationships it has been quite a surprise these ups and downs. But I am determined to break the cycle and hope I don’t have to leave and start again. Currently on a trip away with him and my mum and relaxing and enjoying a break, but conscious not To paper over the cracks and we have spoken about it calmly while we’ve been here. Right I’ll stop there. Thank you so much for your responses, how was it for you after you left sunflower? Xxxx
I should also mention he has a kid who was three when I came in and is seven now who he hasn’t seen this year who usually came fortnightly. And he’s fallen out with his parents as they support his ex over mine and his relationship. And that’s what I feel has ruined my life all the drama there and me feeling attacked and alienated. It’s all very toxic there. And I do question him saying is this just repeated pattern but he says there’s no comparison as they were broken up when they had that kid and that this is a child he wants with someone he loves and wants to build a life with….
I’m asking....why do you want to stay with him? Really ask yourself why? You said you dont have any respect for him, I’m presuming you don’t love him anymore either....he makes you miserable? Why on earth would you stay with him? You have a job and a supportive family.....just leave him, rip the band aid off quickly and just go. Why would you want your precious baba growing up with him? If I‘m being honest I don’t really know why you are staying. I‘m sorry if that sounds hurtful, it’s not my intention. But really I don’t understand, he won’t change, they never do. Leave, think of you and baba in 6 months with your big bump and think how happy and free you will feel without him. Take care of yourself.
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