I m sorry if I am a bit negative but I need support to help me in this dire situation. Currently I work in an office and there is another person who underwent IVF and she got pregnant during first transfer and I am very happy for her. Unfortunately, this person is making it unbearable to work with her as she is constantly complaining about her cravings and nausea, she keeps mentioning things related to her gynae appointment and babies and is being truly insensitive. I have managed to change my shift to try to work against her shift but I still see her sometimes.
How do I ignore and keep moving forwards? I am quite sure that if I confront her, she will think that I am jealous of her.
How can people forget their journey and be so insensitive towards others? I understand that for some people its very easy to get pregnant, but I never expected it from someone who understands IVF and its complexity.
Any suggestions please?
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Blueberry211
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Sorry to hear this it’s really soul destroying hearing people complain when so many people are longing to have it to complain about.
Does she know you went through IVF also? Would speaking to her informally about it and just gently saying you’re still trying and finding it difficult? Don’t say anything about her talking too much about it but just you saying that might make her think twice
Hi Blueberry, I had this but a bit easier as it was his wife who got pregnant first time round on ivf when I just had a miscarriage from a 2nd transfer. He knew this and shoved a phone image in my face of 5 positive pregnancy tests them kept on talking about her scans and what they saw etc. It did make me mad. I started avoiding which sounds like you are. Perhaps have a polite chat and avoid her like the plauge where you can.
Thats exactly how it feels! And thats exactly what I am doing. However its not possible to avoid someone 100 percent and I feel its wasting too much of my energy which I would rather focus on other more important things in life
One thing I've learnt is, unfortunately, some people will always be insensitive, and the only thing you can do about it is a) learn to let it wash over you or b) ask them to stop saying certain things. The problem with option b though is some people will NEVER get it, no matter what you say, so it ends up being more stressful for you.
The thing that's helped me learn not to mind is knowing that 99 per cent of the time people don't mean to hurt me, they just have no filter and can't read the room. Nowadays I kind of laugh to myself about it and consciously choose to move on. It only hurts me to dwell on it, not them; if someone's that insensitive, there's no way they'll give what they said a second thought! It also helps me to remind myself I don't want their baby or pregnancy experience, I want mine—if that makes sense.
One thing that's helped me the most with this issue is the IVF This podcast. The host, Emily, has an episode called "Managing Opinions" and a few others on basically dealing with the weird/insensitive stuff people say in a way that helps you not spiral out over it.
Anyway, sorry! A bit long, but just wanted to share as I used to struggle with this so much and be in tears when people said insensitive stuff, but now I'm mostly able to just roll my eyes.
I would like to play devils advocate. It is so so hard when you want something so badly. Especially to listen to it day in day out. But for her she’s elated, probably still scared and wants to enjoy her pregnancy and is hung up on every symptom she has. I remember feeling so guilty at work when a girl I knew couldn’t ever have children people would ask me all of the time how I was doing etc and I just felt terrible to even discuss it. I had hyperemesis bad and felt such massive guilt also for complaining of being so unwell. But in the end I realised it was more then okay to complain because it was bloody brutal. I’m hopeful she is just caught up in the moment and doesn’t realise how she is being. But for her this may be the only time she is pregnant and she maybes needs to also feel comfortable at work to be open about how she is feeling. So sorry I’m not meaning to sound also insensitive just to see it from a a different angle also.
For example I remember. I I got into work late from a scan and saying sorry I’m late you know how clinics are (we are both nurses) and in front of everyone I got well I don’t do I. I felt horrendous but I didn’t mean that she knows about that particular clinic just being a nurse we know that most outpatient clinics run late etc.
It’s so so difficult and I really hope you can find peace at work ♥️
Thank you for your honest feedback. I can understand this side however there were certain specific words used ( which I didnt describe here in detail) that were more hurtful than the routine clinic thing/ nausea felt etc . It is not just the words used, but how you say them and in what context.
I wonder if you ride it out for a couple more weeks, then hopefully her symptoms drop off and might she talk about it less and less? I know I would find it incredibly difficult to be upfront and tell someone they are upsetting me over the fear of a fall out, and I tend to give the cold shoulder, hope they get the hint and maybe ask why I’ve been off… that would then be my opportunity to say why I’ve been off and how it’s been upsetting me.
Not the most ‘adult’ way to deal with things, but I think sometimes that can get through to people more than talking to them direct so as not to get peoples backs up.
I hope you can work out the best way forward for you xx
I tend to do the same and I have been trying to stay in separate offices so as to allow her to express herself whilst I would not need to listen. The thing is she comes to my office and says things which end up hurting me. I hope things resolve. Thank you for your feedback
This resonates with me a lot but for a different reason. All of my friends have either decided to not have kids or have kids. I'm here, like a lump, wanting kids but not able to for lots of reasons. More recently a gf of mine who had her child at 45 yrs old told me to stop worrying and just go for it. She forgets how awful it was for her and her partner. She's been telling me all the details about her son and how hard it's been, when she knew it was something I too wanted. People are weird and wild sometimes!
I think sometimes people are only able to deal with what's in front of them and they sincerely don't think about anything else. Not to be malicious but because that's literally all they can manage. I also think that people can be cruel and it might be that you were there for her when she needed you and now she doesn't need you anymore because she's got what she wanted. It could be either or.
Personally, I think how you deal with this is to focus on you. Allow yourself the space mentally to think about your thoughts, feelings etc. There's a book called 'how to forgive for good' which might be of use to you. I think in this case you need to forgive yourself, because you're not a failure. And, you need to forgive her, because wasting your time thinking about her is taking time away from thinking about you, your life, friends, family, fun and loved ones.
I'm not saying that it'll be easy. But I do honestly think you've got to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, ignore her! Focus on doing nice things for you. If you see her/engage with her and she's moaning or even talking about her pregnancy just tell her straight out 'sorry to hear that, I'm sure you'll find a way to manage' and then walk away. Be nice, polite and then give yourself a pat on the back for not screaming at her! haha. When you find yourself ruminating about how she's being, stop, and tell yourself it's your time not hers. And, then try to think about something you're going to do later to make yourself smile or a happy memory you have of a loved one - anything to take your mind to a better, more nurturing place.
Be good to yourself. xx And, I do hope this eases up for you soon.
I would honestly say something to her. As soon as she realises how uncomfortable she’s making you I’m sure she’ll change her behaviour. She hasn’t realised that you’re now both on different paths and the only way to head it off is to confront her. If she thinks it’s jealousy let her. You know why you need her to quieten down. And that’s all that matters.
So sorry to hear this ❤️ very odd behaviour from her indeed. Just know that we are all here for you and that everyone is so supportive on this group and we feel your pain, you are not alone. You can't control other people's actions you can only control yours. Keep your head high ❤🥰💫 it's sad she can no longer be sensitive and offer support but we all can ⭐ lots of love xxx I'm always free for a chat if you want to message. You will know deep down if what she is saying is by accident or more intential. Either way, you focus on yourself. Stay positive when you are around her especially, don't let anyone bring you down. You are doing amazing, please try not let her upset you.. she really isn't worth the energy. Xxx
I am sorry how this makes you feel. It’s very difficult and upsetting. I have been in the similar situation too. My boss (who already had one baby when she planned to have!!!!) got pregnant while I was going through my first cycle. She told us how she got pregnant “accidentally” because she missed one pill! I remember the sadness and pain. It’s still bothers me. During her pregnant she didn’t stop talking about how much she loves being pregnant and she’s doing great etc.
I agree with many comments up there that I don’t think talking to her would make any difference.
Just try to be kind to yourself. It’s ok if it upsets you, it’s natural but try to move on and don’t let it get to you for too long. Xx
Maybe ask for some concealing to your clinic. IVF is a difficult journey and we all need all the help we can get. I understand you feel that your colleague is inconsiderate. You can’t control her but you can control your reaction and the way it makes you feel. I had so many pregnancies around me, people forgetting pills…and getting pregnant. We had many close friends being inconsiderate. It was tough for us but we learn to let it go. I’m doing counselling & meditation, I want to be strong and in the right mood, ready for anything to happen. If it means to happen for us it will 🙂🤞🤞
Thank you for sharing. What I cannot comprehend is someone who went through IVF can be this inconsiderate. All my friends and most colleagues had covid babies and altough it hurts I accepted it and let things go. Im struggling with this situation though. Yes counseling might be another option I go for! Xxx
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