How do you make the choice when to use DE?

[Zeebee14]

Hi lovlies,

After my BFN from my double transfer with the last of my own eggs I’m considering the next options.

I’ll be 44 in January but I have a very good ovarian reserve, so the drs keep telling me.

As we’re financing this all ourselves I don’t know whether to attempt another cycle with my own eggs or go straight to DE.

Im finding it so hard to accept using DE, and saying goodbye to the baby I’ve always dreamt of. And tbh I’m still devastated after my BFN this week.

Everyone says once you get a positive test with DE you will love it as if it’s your own, but what if I don’t? How do you accept your child won’t have any of your genes? What do you tell the child as they grow up and are curious about their biological mother? I think I’ll feel sad that it’s not me.

I know so many of you have had success stories with DE, but how did you reach that point of acceptance? What was the trigger that made you make that decision?

I’m sorry if this post comes across as negative, I really don’t want to upset anyone, but I suppose I’m just seeking reassurance and guidance from those of you who have gone through it.

Baby dust to you all xxx

[Mazzath1]

Hi, I'm sorry that your recent ivf hasn't worked. Probably need some time to reflect. Not rush into anything. Unfortunately not all about the ovarian reserve its the quality too. Have you had the quality tested? I knew deep down that it was time to give up on my o.e I actually took time to grieve. Forward a couple of years I now have boy and girl twins. From d.e honestly I absolutely adore them. One point is you are there mother. Takes more then a cell to make a baby. Your body is the one providing all the goodness they need to grow. If you read up on epergentics you will see you will influence how your baby is. Some of your traits will be passed on. I will never regret doing it. They are my absolute world. The point they will look for there mother I woudnt calls them as the mother you are. But yes if you do it here they can find out. But if you do it abroad its annoymous. But that's down to your individual choice. Xxx

[Hidden]

Hey lovely! I totally get everything you have written because I have been there myself. I felt horribly ungrateful because we could afford DE and so give ourselves another chance but also I hated the idea of not having MY baby. To be completely honest its probably taken me a year to get my head round it properly, and I am not even sure if I am quite there yet but starting my first DE round this month.

Ironically one of the biggest problems I had was this forum... because there was always a miracle good news story and I kept thinking one day it will be me.. but it never was! My AMH is good for my age (I am 44) at 9.8 and I usually collected between 7 and 13 eggs each round. I had done 6 fresh rounds and I have managed to get pregnant quite a few times but always MC or had a chemical. I never had enough to freeze so always had to do a fresh round and each egg collection got more and more painful each time to the point I was on a lot of morphine. But I kept going because I thought I would have that miracle that everyone else had!

Anyway my consultant said to me in the follow up on my 6th round that I should give up on my own eggs as they were old and not good quality and even if I got pregnant I would end up MC again. I didn't really want to hear it so went for a second opinion and was told exactly the same! So then a LOT of soul searching and acceptance took place where it was 'no baby or DE baby' and I swayed between the two for ages. I grudgingly agreed to go ahead with DE and we had a few months wait before we found a donor, and I still didn't want to do it, but then she dropped out the week of collection and I was DEVASTATED and I realised actually whilst I didn't want donor (because I wanted my own eggs) I DID want a family.. and this was really my only option.. so it was that or nothing, which weirdly kicked me into touch.

Sorry for long response. The one thing I would say is I am still VERY worried about it. About loving the baby, about it looking nothing like me, about how/when we tell them, about whether to tell other people etc etc., and other people have told me they feel the same. I have embryos frozen and I still don't think of them as 'mine' yet. But I am sure once they are transferred I will... So everything you are feeling is 100% normal. PM me if you want as happy to chat and go on a bit more haha as lots to say Huge hugs xx

[Zeebee14 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much for this response Daisy, I actually feel emotional reading it as you completely understand how I feel, it’s so nice and reassuring to have that from someone going/gone through the same thing.

As good as my partner is he always says I’ll love the baby when it’s here, but I have such an emotional process to go through before I get to that point, plus he can say that because it will be genetically his.

I’ll dm you as I’m happy to hear more about your thoughts and feelings. Xxx

[Bluelady-sing]

I am 45 in Dec late pcos diagnosis I am currently single I want my own biological baby, in fact I have found a clinic that will try will my own eggs

I have seen younger and younger people pushed into donor eggs, the whole point is that they are biologically your own.

My Lh is slightly high, I am trying to bring it down naturally . I do not believe in afe, as infertility in younger people is worse,

What was the quality of your egg actually like are you taking cq10

[Bluelady-sing]

Donor Eggis a massive decision, I know a 28 year old being pushed into it. The clinics boast a 55% chance of success, I know I can still have children.

I feel no way about being 44 a 16 yr old is not judged, age is no guarantee. I have seen a 28yr old with low AMH and poor quality.

You have to happy with your decision, a be ready to answer your childs questions one day

My pcos came from my mother, and aunt she never told about,( my father did) in fact pcos is hereditary. I confront my mum and aunt they feel bad. Yet they look like me!

It's no one business except yours, goodluck hun...

[Zeebee14 in reply to Bluelady-sing]

Hi Bluelady, thanks for your reply. Nobody is pushing me into using DE, in fact one of my consultants said she thinks I should keep trying with my own eggs for a while longer. The thing is I know the statistics, and I know my age and I want children so badly before I’m too old. I have a finite amount of money, and this recent BFN has really taken its tole, I’m not sure I could keep putting myself through it when the statistics are so low. It’s just that using DE is so hard to accept. X

[Coles2020]

Hi Zeebee,

So I have a beautiful baby boy of 11 months DE. I had all the worries and anxieties that it would properly feel like my child. I had a scare on my 12 week scan and from then on, I knew he was mine. He was mine to love, protect and to cherish. The funny thing is as soon as he was born, I knew he was my child, it was like, this was meant to be, he was made for me. Of course I do have the worries later if how to explain etc etc, but all I can do is love, love and give loads of stability and more love so whatever happens, he knows he loved. I am about to undergo a second DE (different donor) all the best and hugs given xxx

[Zeebee14 in reply to Coles2020]

Thanks for your reply Coles, and congrats on your little boy. I’m sure I will feel the same as you and adore the baby with all my heart once it’s here. I think I just need to take some time to grieve the lack of my biological child before I can make the decision to go ahead. Good luck with your second round xxx

[Coles2020 in reply to Zeebee14]

Absolutely and thank you. I wish you all the best!! Xxx

[MOOG144]

Hi Zeebee

I am currently 11 weeks with a DE. Unlike you I wasn't producing any viable eggs so I guess my journey has been completely different, my choice was to use DE's or give up and I do think it makes the process a little easier. We plan on being completely up front with our child about how they came about from as early as naturally possible so that it isn't a big deal.

We were given the option of going to Spain for our DE but decided against it due to the privacy laws governing them, it would have meant any child is not given the option of ever being able to find out about their biological donor. For us we didn't want to make that decision for them so chose to go ahead here in the UK instead.

I think you are right, you need time to process everything as it is such a big decision but trust that whatever you chose is the right thing for you.... there is no right or wrong option x

Wishing you all the best x

[Zeebee14 in reply to MOOG144]

Thank you MOOG, yes I think if it comes down to DE or no baby it makes the decision much easier. Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy. Xxx

[Melody79 in reply to MOOG144]

so pleased for you. Thank you for sharing about the privacy on DE it's made me feel much more at ease with using UK as you say your child has a right to know where they came from. It's so good to hear other's perspective good luck with your pregnancy and best wishes x

[Fizzbip]

I have no choice but to use donor eggs as I've had chemo, but my husband had similar reservations and our clinic makes everyone considering donor speak to a social worker so we had 1 counseling session together. The social worker really put us at ease about the whole thing and said they are seeing that the bonding does occur and that the kids are well-adjusted especially if they have the opportunity to reach out to the donor as adults if they want to, and if they grow up being told about their story frequently and with pride.

[ChloeDE]

It's a difficult decision and everyone is different. For us, we had 2x rounds using own eggs. We got plenty of eggs but none made it to blastocyst. We could have tried again but it costs a lot of money and, more so, I couldn't keep putting myself through the heartache. We went to Czech Republic and now have beautiful twins thanks to our donor. I can't say for sure because I have no other children to compare with but I don't think I could love them any more.

Feel free to message if you have any questions. X