9dp5dt today, doing OTD tomorrow

[LuxFleur]

So I had an FET of a 5 day blast nine days ago, last Monday. I am in a country where PGS testing is illegal, but they said it "looked good." My doctor has already checked out for the summer holidays more or less and didn't even give us an OTD, just said we could do it this week. I don't do home pregnancy tests. I will literally have a panic attack if I have to wait for a strip to show lines after peeing on a stick. I will hallucinate lines if there are none. I have seen too many BFNs to ever voluntarily do that again.

It sucks because I know it will be negative again, and mostly I've been able to just distract myself the past week and a half and not think about it too much. But then yesterday I started to have some hope, and that sucks too. I don't want to have any hope at this point. I truly hate the relentless positivity of so many people, basically because they do not want to deal with your real feelings of grief. It's almost militant, how people INSISTED that after I lost my daughter in the spring that I would get pregnant again right away. I feel like I've been treated like livestock, pushed into IVF immediately after my cycle returned to normal, and then back to back transfers.

Anyway I guess all I have to do now is make it to tomorrow and then go get the blood test and then make myself, for the 4th time now, check the results. Two negatives and the positive that ended in miscarriage. I know it will be another negative again and I wish I did not have this sliver of hope.

UPDATE: well apparently we DO have to wait two more days, since despite what my doctor said, there is a date on the prescription and we have to wait two more days. Just have to make it two more days then. Part of me is relieved as I hate testing.

[Rain415]

I understand hope cam hurt like hell! I'm sorry it sounds like you have had a rough time with your clinic. I and everyone on here are routing for you with the result tomorrow!! ❤️

[Mai94]

Hope can really hurt but it also allows a moment a tranquility during this shit storm we are all in and that’s beautiful even just for a moment! I know its then so hard t get the negatives too! Just a minefield. Good luck for tomorrow 🤞🏽Xx

[try2020]

Hey Lux, I have at times actively avoided some people due to their toxic positivity as it has felt like a dismissal of my feelings and worries. Sometimes you just need someone to say yes this situation is totally shit! And I totally get the glimmer of hope being a real wrestle, I hate having my hopes dashed, so much so I try to avoid having hope but then I don't want to negative, I want to be indifferent..... so much easier said than done. But I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you and your result this week xx

[RhinoCat]

Ivf is truly the hardest and hurtful process ever. Thinking of you and sending hugs. Hope you can get sleep tonight and whatever will

Be will be . Praying that you can deal with whatever fact comes tomo. Hugs and hugs and hugs 🤗

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi LuxFleur. I shall be thinking of you tomorrow. Diane

[MissSaoPaulo]

Everything we go through physically is nothing compared to the damage this process does to our mental health. It really is emotional torture. It will be over soon, got everything crossed for you xxx

[Hidden]

Hi Lux, I transferred the same day, blood OTD was today but I’ve opted to test at home on Friday instead, I’ve got loads of tests at home and have resisted testing, god knows how!!! I will be thinking of you and everything is crossed xxx