I’ve recently had my second miscarriage earlier on then my first miscarriage, which was at 11 weeks and was a missed miscarriage.
I don’t usually talk about these things with friends and family other then posting on this forum, as sometimes it feels like as sympathetic as people are they don’t get it. I also don’t sit around when it’s happened I’m back to work as soon as the bleeding stopped and I suppose I give the impression that I am okay and most of the time I am but sometimes I struggle.
This week I have been struggling mentally and I think it’s because I haven’t been able to say goodbye. Obviously so early on this time and before the end of the first trimester the first time I’ve never really had anything physical to say goodbye to. We obviously wouldn’t have known if it was a boy or a girl or names but it feels like a death. A death that isn’t really there for me to be able to mourn properly or for people to understand my pain. I know plenty of people go through miscarriages and it’s not talked about enough. Even on my part other then my boss, no one knows why I wasn’t at work briefly (I am a teacher), students are convinced I had Covid a handful of friends know now but not at the time and other then my parents no one really acknowledged it from family.
I know I have a lot to be grateful for but finding this part of not being able to mourn a death that doesn’t exist in the eyes of others really hard.
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BluMonkey
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Awww lovely, you've lost your baby along with all your hopes and dreams. You're entitled to grieve however far along you were. We lost our baby at 6 wks and it was devastating. I didnt particularly grieve out loud or let onto work how badly it hurt but it did. It was the day before valentine's day and we put a rose from my valentines bouquet in our back garden and both had a good cry. We had a good cry a few times together, unexpectedly....it kind of creeps up on you. On the anniversary my husband bought an Angel's wing charm for my pandora bracelet. We all deal with grief differently and it doesnt have to be openly done but there are little ways that you can remember and honor your lost little one. Massive hugs, it's so hard but I do think it's worth doing so you can move forward, even if just a little bit.xxx
Thank you so much, reading the responses and reading your story has made me very emotional.
You are right I do think in order to move forward we need to do something to remember our lost ones. Hubby and I have been speaking about it but we just end up feeling sad that we don’t really come to an agreement.
Thank you! I think that's ok and totally normal to be sad when talking about it and it's good that you're able to do that and aren't trying to just block it out. You'll find something that suits you both to have a wee remembrance. There are lots of ideas on line. Some of the ladies on here have planted something in their garden, had a little tattoo, gotten a keepsake piece of jewellery, had something made to keep in the house. It never goes away lovely but it does get easier and feeling like you have acknowledged your loss, I believe can help you move forward. All the best.xxx
Well done for sharing and I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Its horrific. Miscarriage is still such a taboo subject, I think mostly because there is no handbook on how to grieve and people do not understand the loss that you have had. Like you said... its hard to mourn something that didn't exactly exist, you know physically, but it did exist to you and thats the most important thing and they were a part of you. I cannot share a same experience with you I'm afraid. I have only had 2 failed embryo transfers, and I am not comparing this to what you are going through, but still a loss that is hard to explain. You just need to take some time and don't be so hard on yourself. Its okay not to be okay. I dont really have any words of wisdom of how to overcome this, but stay strong and you've got this.😘
Thank you, your two failed embryos were still losses, I have had those as well so completely understand how you feel.
I am hoping and sending you lots of positive thoughts that your journey works for you. ❤️ xxx
I don’t think anyone really knew how low I was I only had time off with my 1st mc my 2nd I was on a weeks holiday from work so they didn’t know then again my 3rd mc it was Xmas holidays I went back to work then on the Friday I had a mva and back to work the following week. I put a brave face in with family and friends only my partner knew how I was feeling but even he didn’t see me cry nearly every day for mths and mths just writing this brings back all the sad emotions it might get easier but you don’t forget.
You never really forget. My first loss was in summer 2019 and I thought there was no way I could move past it. I started writing to our baby that never graced us with their presence in this life, there were times I felt this helped.
It’s sad that so many women go through this and there really isn’t as much support as there should be.
Sending you lots of love x
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been in your position quite a few times now and I totally get how you are feeling. I didnt take any time off even when I had MC surgery and no one really knows about my struggle with fertility or MC. I think one of the biggest challenges I had was the feeling that no one was acknowledging it.. and of course they couldn't because they didnt know about it.. but that meant it almost didnt seem real - because it didnt exist in anyone elses life so I felt like a fraud and incapable of grieving.. so I totally understand the need to grieve but also the inability too.. its like it doesn't feel like an acceptable thing to grieve about because its so secret and there was no tangible body. Well thats 100% not true, you have lost several babies and that is heart breaking.
I didn't really know how to cry, so I just didn't but it had huge impacts on my mental health so I ended up self referring to Talking Therapies via the NHS and that helped explain to me all my feelings were completely understandable and there was no right or wrong way of feeling.
In the end (this sounds bonkers) but I bought a cuddly toy each for the babies that might have been and one for the baby I still hope I might have one day. It gives me a physical thing to interact with and I find its helped me sob on occasion and start processing the whole thing.
I am also so sorry for your losses. I hope that with time we get to where we want to be.
Fertility is a struggle for so many people and it’s hard because it just seems to the outsider it’s easier for someone else rather then you.
Sometimes I think I’m undeserving of it and this is why this keeps happening, I know that’s not true but I can’t help it when that thought lingers at the back of my head.
I’ve also been to talking therapies and when I speak about it it helps but sometimes in a bad day it really effects me. As a teacher I get asked so many times Miss do you have kids? Don’t you want them? I feel lost trying to answer these questions and I just laugh it off by saying you’re all my kids.
Im so sorry for your losses. It's truly devastating. I ended up feeling so angry, frustrated, sad and overwhelmed - such a mix of emotions. It's hard when people don't know what you're going through. I hated being asked about when I was going to have kids by colleagues. I felt like telling them what was happening just to shut them up. Talking therapies did help me to some extent and lots of pampering- going for walks, sitting out in the sunshine, just being quiet by myself for a while so I could just 'be' and not have to pretend to anyone that I was o.k when I was a mess inside. It'll get better with time. You will be o.k and get through this. It's such a hard journey. Do whatever you need to in order to get through. Xxx
You're right, it's not talked about enough or understood. I was beside myself for a year after I lost mine. Especially since it was my fault, there was nothing wrong with her. I had a tooth worked on when I shouldn't have. The dentist knew better but didn't care. It was almost 20 years ago and I still mourn the loss. Someone is missing who should be here. It's a sad thing. Take as much time as you need and don't worry what other people think. We're here for you.
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