Help! Hen party!

[muststayhopeful]

Hi!!

I have my friends hen party in June, it’ll be 2 nights away. In the group there is a lot of chat about babies, some may bring theirs etc. I have been battling trying to conceive for 3 years now and to be honest feel almost broken by it all.

The hen is not a particularly close friend, but she is really lovely so I wouldn’t want to upset her. She doesn’t know about my fertility problems and has just had a baby herself.

I really don’t want to go. What do I do? What excuse do i make? I could possibly go for one day but i don’t know if that’s going to cause more anxiety xx help!!!

[XOXO13]

Hey, If it’s possible then I would be honest with her and tell her that you’re not in a very good place and feel overwhelmed thinking about attending the hen party. You could arrange to have something delivered to her on the weekend of her Hen or try and organise something for the both of you like a dinner or something may the two of you can enjoy instead?

Don’t feel forced to attend something if you’re not in the right frame of mind. Good friends will understand xxx

[muststayhopeful]

The problem is she doesn’t know I’m trying to conceive or all the IVF cycles I’ve been through. So I’m not sure what to say 😩 xxx

[XOXO13 in reply to muststayhopeful]

You don’t need to tell her it’s due to your fertility journey.. you could just say that in general, you’ve got a lot on and would prefer to do something just to two of you. Or using the Covid excuse is always there as someone else has suggested. But try not to feel pressure to attend, that will only cause you more distress and anxiety. Sometimes we have to do things on this journey to protect our own hearts, and that may mean putting boundaries in place such as avoiding specific gatherings xxx

[muststayhopeful in reply to XOXO13]

Thank you. I think your right. I now feel so much less guilty. Your idea of sending a gift is lovely. I will do that xxx

[Nat246]

Could you possible use the cost as an excuse?

If you know if will be too challenging and triggering for you, you’ve got to put yourself first.

Also what kind of hen night enables people to bring their babies!! X

[muststayhopeful in reply to Nat246]

I can’t really say about the cost. I definitely think it’ll be triggering. Even thinking about it now makes me feel anxious.

I think those people who have newish born babies are bringing them for the day visits, but I just can’t bare the thought of all the questions and naturally the chat will go towards children 😩😩

Xxx

[Nat246 in reply to muststayhopeful]

Partner booked you a surprise weekend away?

Yeah it will be triggering, it’s awful when you’re in that situation 😢

[hoping2021 in reply to muststayhopeful]

Just use Covid as an excuse and say you’re still cautious about large gatherings

[hoping2021]

If you don’t want to go then don’t go... especially if the hen is not close. Sometimes you’ve got to protect your heart.

When I was going through the whole hen party / baby showers thing in the early years of my infertility I was very selective About group gatherings. I tended to see people one to one or as couples. I had to for my heart.

[muststayhopeful in reply to hoping2021]

Yes one to one and as couples is so much easier. I love playing with the babies then. Xx

[Mellyboo111]

Just say you were exposed to a person who has covid and you have to quarantine till you get your test back. A lie but a good one in this time

[muststayhopeful in reply to Mellyboo111]

Yes a plausible excuse. Thanks xx

[sazzle2680]

Maybe say you’ve a family reunion post COVID restrictions. I’d say you asked for the hen weekend to be avoided but sadly that was the only weekend all the others could make so you were out voted.

Don’t put yourself through going. I avoid stuff that I know will upset me all the time. Don’t delay giving your apologies either, having it hanging over you will just cause you more anxiety.xx

[muststayhopeful in reply to sazzle2680]

Yeh this is so true. It’s already stressed me for a week. I think I’ll have to tackle it tomorrow. I was thinking if a family wedding. Or christening? I hate lying but I suppose it is necessary xx

[McQueeny]

I can totally sympathise - I also had a hen to go to while doing IVF, I did end up going because she was a really close friend but it was so so so tough, all talking about babies and kids and getting pregnant for the third time.... I wasn’t drinking (obviously) and one other lady wasn’t drinking either because she just found out she was pregnant! 🤦‍♀️

if you don’t feel up for it , don’t go. No need to torture yourself, especially if she’s not that close. And though I’m generally in favour of honesty, on a case like this I’d just not say anything and then at the last moment apologise saying you have a stomach bug or something...? I know it’s not great to leave it to the last minute, but unless you feel you can be honest with the real reason, I think just saying you’re busy and can’t make it sounds like you don’t care as much....? Hope you work out what’s right for you xx

[muststayhopeful in reply to McQueeny]

Thank you. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You are a good friend. Everyone’s replies have made me feel less guilty about not going xx

The problem is that I have to pay in advance and I don’t really want to waste the money. Every penny helps in this IVF game!

I think I’m going to have to come up with some lie. And as someone else suggested, sending a gift and maybe some flowers will be nice xxx

[muststayhopeful in reply to McQueeny]

I think I may be honest with her, and ask her to keep it quiet. Then make an excuse to everyone else. I think you a right not giving a proper excuse really makes it seem like I don’t care. Thank you Xxx

[hoping2021 in reply to muststayhopeful]

I personally don’t think you need to give an excuse. My hen party was a surprise and I didn’t know who would be showing up until the day. I was surprised that 2 of my oldest school friends weren’t there... but they are still my friends to this day and I never questioned why they didn’t come. They weren’t close so it didn’t matter.... if we were close I probably would’ve needed an explanation. Xx

[McQueeny in reply to muststayhopeful]

If you can be honest that’s definitely best! That sounds like a good plan.... xx

[hifer]

Hey there, I’m really sorry that this is stressing you out and like so many others I totally understand why!! I think we’ve all been there. I personally would make up a lie (and I’m not a fan of lying but it’s to protect yourself!) Very, very few people really understand the unbelievable stress of IVF and everything that comes with it and explaining it all is quite stressful in itself! I sometimes think anything is easier than having to go through it all with someone you’re not that close to and may not get it. A pre planned weekend away with your other half, lack of funds due to Covid, not feeling comfortable in big groups after restrictions lift, family birthday. Anything! And do it soon so it’s not hanging over your head and making you more anxious. Sending love and I get it because I have been there xx

[muststayhopeful in reply to hifer]

Thank you! This is such a lovely message. This infertility business is so stressful. I just feel like such a failure. It infiltrates and poisons so many stress of my life!!! Grrrr! 😭 xx

[hifer in reply to muststayhopeful]

You ARE NOT a failure. Never think that. We all know how you feel. People make excuses not to go to things all the time. I promise you no one will think anything of it. You have to look after yourself. Xx

[Infragilis]

I totally understand you and have been in this position many times. I don't really bother anymore with excuses. I just say I am sorry I can't make that date. I used to worry about what they would think but I don't anymore. I put my feelings first and if I know there are going to be kids around or people just talking about babies all the time then I avoid such gatherings as they are painful and unpleasant. Don't worry too much and put yourself first. We deserve not to have added worries to this already difficult situation we are in.

[muststayhopeful in reply to Infragilis]

I’m worried I won’t get invited to anything again. But I couldn’t possibly go. I physically couldn’t put one foot in the other to get there I don’t think! So I can’t go. Blegh! Xx

[Hidden]

Definitely don't go, if its making you anxious then it's not worth it. You jave to out yourself first. I missed a close friends christening for the same reason, I just said I was unwell at the time. Making the excuse was much easier than having to put myself going through it xx

[muststayhopeful in reply to Hidden]

Yeh. I’ve just got to say something now and get out of it. It’s hell. Xx

[Ellie1005]

Just echoing what others have said, you need to protect yourself and going sounds like it will be really difficult. WE ALL know how you’re feeling so please don’t feel guilty, you’re right fertility does impact all areas of your life so we have to adapt and do things we maybe wouldn’t have before, but ultimately you are so important and how you feel is number one, you’re dealing with enough already on this journey so let yourself off and allow yourself not to go 😊xx

[muststayhopeful in reply to Ellie1005]

Oh thank you. This is such a lovely message. I think I need to give myself permission not to feel guilty. You are right. I need to look after me.xx