Only donor egg option left at 43, AM... - Fertility Network UK

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Only donor egg option left at 43, AMH 2.2 pmol/l

Eeek profile image
Eeek
19 Replies

I haven't posted in a while.

Last IVF no eggs retrieved. Anyway, moving on started with a new clinic. Had consultation appointment and informed that I have less than 5% of IVF working. (43.5 yrs old, AMH 2.2 pmol/l) Dr said seriously consider DE if I want a baby.

1) UK donor programme approx 2 year wait, small pool of donors makes it more difficult to get a close match to me. Donor conceived person (DCP) can make contact with donor when 18 yrs.

2) Spain, large donor programme, matter of months. Donor is anonymous. Child/DCP will never know anything about their donor.

Initially I thought selfishly why would I pick the UK donor programme, but the more I have been reading about the feelings of people conceived via anonymous donation the more frightened I have become. The struggles and trauma of not knowing their medical history, background, whether they have siblings and emptiness a lot of DC people experience is heart breaking and many saying it is completely unethical to be anonymous.

I can't stop crying. I wanted a baby so much, but until I started reading into it from the perspective of the young person/adult conceived in this way, it is heart-breaking to hear it all from their perspective. I am at a different crossroads now, from the one I was at last week where it was all about me and my feelings. What do I do, i want this so so much

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Eeek
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19 Replies
AndreiaTrigoRN profile image
AndreiaTrigoRN

It can be challenging to decide what to do next... take the time you need to process what is happening, the options available. Sending you a big hug Xx

Eeek profile image
Eeek in reply to AndreiaTrigoRN

Thank you, the hug has been gratefully received. :)

Hello! It is such a tough one. Personally, after 5 years and 3 unsuccessful rounds I jumped at the chance to go the donor route. Due to my age at the time (41) I really wanted to move as soon as possible.

Also, I went abroad as I wanted to move as soon as possible.

My friend has adopted two little girls and spoke with me about the language they use to communicate to them about their heritage so I really firmly believe if handled in the right way then there should be no issues.

I was successful with donor on the 3rd transfer and gave birth to my beautiful baby boy in July 2019 at the age of 42.

However we get there, we just have a need to be parents. Happy to chat if you would like to talk through.

Xxx

Eeek profile image
Eeek in reply to

Thank you. It is lovely to read the enthusiasm in your message. Congratulations on your wee boy x

Ivfgotadream profile image
Ivfgotadream

I think if you are desperate for a child then surely why would it matter if they are able To access information about their donor at age 18?

Eeek profile image
Eeek in reply to Ivfgotadream

Sorry i am not sure i articulated it very clearly, i was upset when i was typing.

I was coming to terms with donor egg and the different options presented to me by the clinic. 2 year wait & known donor ID or almost immediate action and anonymous donor programme abroad. The implications of which I only just realised.

JenRoy profile image
JenRoy

We may have to go the DE route too due to age related poor egg quality.

I’ve done lots of reading too and have read similar things. And have felt equally horrified!

The UK donor vs Abroad donor dilemma is awful.

Two things that are important to remember:

1) Children/Adults conceived via an anonymous donor who are happy and secure about their situation are unlikely to be very vocal on forums etc. So I do think those who are unhappy “shout” the loudest and so it can seem like everyone is scarred/harmed

2) I think having to wait an extra 2 years for a UK donor raises ethical aspects of being a much older mum. All of us want to be as young as possible so our potential children have us for as long as possible. This is something that worries me the most and tips me far more to going abroad. I’d rather have a baby at 43 than 45 or older.

Sounds like you’ve been very responsible in doing your research and are very aware of all the potential pitfalls x

Eeek profile image
Eeek in reply to JenRoy

Thanks, and thank you for putting some perspective around it. I think I feel a little calmer this afternoon after taking on board what you have said.

I have felt physically sick and my head feels like it could explode today thinking about this, i have also not done one bit of work as i just can't concentrate.

LuxFleur profile image
LuxFleur

Hi lovely, I can understand how hard all of this must feel. I went through some of this when I initially started to explore my pregnancy options four years ago, before I met my husband, and I was looking into donor sperm. Then, later, when I was responding poorly to IVF, when we looked into donor eggs. Yes, sometimes people conceived through less conventional means will have regrets. But so do many people who are conceived the regular way! They have a parent die, or run off with their secretary, or turn into an alcoholic or scary cult person. So many things can happen, and we are not in control. Ultimately, you should do what you think will work best for YOU to bring your child into the world. What works with your health, your comfort level, your budget, and your timescale. You are not condemning your child to a life of emptiness if you use an anonymous donor. Some donor conceived people are unhappy about it, but many are not. Also, with the prevalence of DNA testing, anonymity is unlikely to be possible twenty years from now anyway! DNA test kits are not illegal in Spain, and so if your child so wished, when they were older they could see what cousins or even closer relatives might show up. I know this process is so hard, but try to be easy and loving with yourself as much as you can. However you manage to bring your child into this world, that child will love you and find joys in life. All the very best of luck to you whatever you decide xoxo (PS. I was also told that I had less than 5% chance of IVF working, but now I am 9 weeks pregnant with my own eggs xo)

MiniS5 profile image
MiniS5 in reply to LuxFleur

Really lovely words Lux

Lilly12255 profile image
Lilly12255

I can’t see why you are moving to DE so quickly. My amh is much lower than yours and I am older and I am doing OE Ivf. Maybe try OE again before making such a drastic move.

Eeek profile image
Eeek in reply to Lilly12255

Yeah. I do worry that clinics have their best interests at heart which is a better success rate for them. But then also need to be realistic too

Babytocome profile image
Babytocome in reply to Eeek

I would recommend before DE have a look into natural Or modified iVF, my friend got pregnant through this, it is more about the quality and not the quantity of the eggs. Also cheaper

LewisLongbody profile image
LewisLongbody

Hi Eeek, I’m at the same stage as you in some ways and feeling all the feelings you describe about DE and anonymous or not. I’m 38 with AMH 2.6 and two failed cycles with 2 poor Day 3 embryos, and 1 fair early blast both of which failed to implant. Our doctor in reviewing our second round gave us a 5% chance of success with OE and asked had we considered DE. Because this was only our second round we really hadn’t (I was hoping donor wouldn’t have to come up), and it was a huge shock.Up to this point we had assumed ivf would work, it was just a question of how many rounds we’d have to do.

The idea of donor is such a different thing for me and all of the questions you raise, from the child/adults perspective hit me too. I wondered would it essentially be us being selfish choosing to bring a baby/person into the world who would never know who half of them were, just because we want a baby. My best friend made the point all parents are ‘selfish’ in that sense, in that no babies ask to be born. But I do feel there’s a big difference in bringing someone into the world who will never have that knowledge, or at least not willingly (the dna ancestry tests point is a very good one that I hadn’t thought of).

We have another fertility specialist we go to, and she has advised us not to give up on OEs yet given my age, and has recommended a new clinic and to consider PRP ovarian rejuvenation treatment in Greece. The meeting with her felt like a massive weight lifted. We’re not ready to leave the OE route yet, even though we may end up back at DE at some point.

I do think the step to DE is a huge one for a lot of people and it does involve working through all of these issues. It’s very complicated. I think I would get there (accepting the donor route), but I really don’t know.

All that to say, I understand how you’re feeling, it’s just the heaviest thing, and so all consuming. I really wish you all the best as you work your way through it, it’s a huge thing, so take whatever time you need, and sending you so much support and best wishes!

Babytocome profile image
Babytocome in reply to LewisLongbody

Is the PRP ovarian regeneration only in Greece? I have experienced the technique on my gums and I can totally say it does work!! I did it in USA though. And did not know was possible for the ovaries

LewisLongbody profile image
LewisLongbody in reply to Babytocome

I think it’s available in Greece and Spain, but not in the UK or Ireland, as far as I know. It’s used in Australia and the US as well for ovarian rejuvenation. I think it’s only been used for the ovaries since 2015 or so, so it’s still relatively new. Pm me if you want any further details (name of clinic and doctor we’re considering using in Greece)

Gemz29 profile image
Gemz29

I’m not sure if my story will help in anyway I however over three years ago I had my AMH test And it was only 3.8 I was also told this year and last year to look into donor eggs however I continued with some ovulation induction And progesterone pessaries along with a lot of vitamins. I lot from the site maybe baby was where I found out about a lot of vitamins.

Even two weeks ago I was told I needed donor eggs and have since fell pregnant, I just want to share my story & hope it can help give a different prospective 💕 x

Cinderella5 profile image
Cinderella5

We did DE treatment in Athens and are pregnant with twins The main reasons were no waiting times for a donor match and we were ok with anonymous donation side. The donors are health checked rigorously to a very high standard. I guess you have to go with your heart on this but we feel it's only a seed that we have used, it's my husband and I that have created our babies....without us they wouldn't exist. There are lots of books that you can give to your kids from a very young age to help them to understand if that is something that is important to you. Some people dont tell, others do, it's a very personal thing. At the end of the day our babies will be raised with so much love and that's the important bit, your kids knowing they are loved and very much wanted and after what we have been through to get here they will have oodles of love!! Good luck with your decision going forward.xx

Belangalo profile image
Belangalo

One of my closest friends is adopted (as is her older brother) and when she turned 18 she had the option to contact/find out about her birth parents. Both she and her older brother refused to do so. They both felt that the people who loved and raised them were "mum and dad". As my friend said - where were her birth parents when she got sick and couldn't keep water down? Got her period? Got her heart broken the first time?

I think that each individual will be different and that you are reading a lot of negative stories because the happy stories are living their lives and not seeking support or writing about their troubles. Please take heart, there is so much that is uncertain in the future. While your fears are valid, it doesn't mean this is definitely what would come to pass and that any child you conceived with DE would be deeply unhappy. You care, you want what is best even at the expense of your own desires....that's what would make you a wonderful mother to any child. Biggest hugs! I hope that you find some peace and the way forward. Xxx

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