Anonymous v non anonymous donation- how on earth to decide

[Flora14]

We are now having to use donor options and we are completely torn on whether to do anonymous abroad. Or stay in the uk and do non anonymous.

Need Help from you guys who have had to Make the decision and how you came to it

My thoughts...

Anonymous - Child will know we went abroad knowing that it would be anonymous donor and they couldn't find them. Will they hate us or resent us for that? but at the same time they wouldn't have even existed if we hadnt created them. Non anonymous - the child at 18 will potentially meet donor if they both want. Will I struggle with that? (Think would) will i Feel rejected?

I know usually donor doesn't want relationship with the child to great extent (from what ive been told) because they've got their 'own family' So will that child then feel rejected by them? Or will I be jealous of any time they spend Together and it will make me feel a bit crap even though I think donors are amazing for what they do and what they would have hopefully given me.

Feel like can't win

I know it's personal decision but any help please on how you came to decide.

We have lost so much money so far and abroad is cheaper but just trying to kind to ignore that for the minute and try and make this decision

Thanks

[Boo718]

hello, we went down the donor route abroad. We didn’t even bother looking at the uk. The wait would be too long and it was far too expensive.i was also too high a bmi. But honestly I would have gone abroad for donor anyway. We chose anonymous, is that the right decision. Who knows. But what I do know is that our beautiful little girl wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for us. We love her absolutely and I couldn’t bare the thought of what might happen when she turned 18. My heart would break for her if she got rejected but I’d also be terrified she wouldn’t want to be with us. For us it was anonymous or not at all. I’m happy to answer any questions. Everyone is different. We have chosen not to tell anyone that we used donor until we decide what to do so no one knows (obv midwife and doctors) we will deal with whatever happens down the line xxx

[TeddyBear5 in reply to Boo718]

It’s such a personal decision. I think the most important thing is that the child knows how they were conceived whether known or unknown so that’s it’s not a big secret or a surprise as they grow up. I’ve read a lot about this (known sperm donor & known embryo donors for me personally), and I think that being open is better for their mental health. It’s just their story and they can own it. My son has known since before he could talk that a very lovely man donated his sperm to us so we could have him. He’s now 8 and sometimes mentions it but it’s not a big deal. He doesn’t know who he is yet but I assume as he gets older he’ll ask more questions. Our family know and some friends, we are fairly open about it but would like for him to be able to share as he sees fit as he grows up.

This is just my view, I know others will feel differently xx

[NemoFish]

Anonymous was out of the question for us. Granted I didn’t end up using the eggs in the end but I got as far as picking a donor and paying. I have strong beliefs that it’s not my decision to take away the option of a child knowing its biological origin. I’m also very against women being paid for eggs, which is common in some countries. I couldn’t imagine having to explain to a child that there’s no way for them to trace their genetics because some woman somewhere needed help paying her rent. I can’t help but wonder if the psychological aspects are fully explored when there is cash at stake.

Having read the letters from uk donors about their reasons for donating, and how they all wished for any potential child to have a wonderful upbringing and they are happy to be contacted when the time is right, that was how I felt totally comfortable with the process. I needed to know why these women had donated, and feel happy that should a child wish to contact them years down the line they will get their questions answered.

The clinic I used also had no waiting list which wouldn’t have changed my mind if it did, but it did make the process easier x

[Anneonimous]

Have you watched BornFromTheSameStranger on BBC1?I'm doing the journey solo and have also been struggling with this decision. Watching this programme gave me a little perspective. A chance to see the story through donor conceived adults lives.

Personally I think it mostly depends on how they're brought up and how quickly they are told and understand as children x

[Foxglove_daffodil]

Hi Flora, there are some really good resources on the HFEA website including a link to a talk on anonymous/non-anonymous and known donors which has donor conceived people giving their views and research from donors too. I found it really interesting. There are also some Instagram accounts that talk about this, I think if you search donor conceived a few will come up. I personally felt it really important that my child know who their donor is and had access to medical and family history if/when they wanted it. I was also concerned about the possibility the donor would reject the child which is one of the many reasons I’m using a known donor. It’s a really personal decision and no one size fits all but I found reading and watching donor conceived people’s views really helpful in coming to my decision.

[Twiglet2]

we used donor sperm in the UK but an open donor from the European sperm bank so no wait at all and the amount of info we got in the donor (pages and pages of family and medical history as well as a handwritten note from them on why they’ve donated etc) and the fact that at age 18 our son can try and contact them if he wishes. Putting my own feelings aside (the thought of that makes me shudder 😂 ) it’s basically about him and giving him enough info medically etc to live his life without needed info and then to make that decision at age 18. Now that he’s here we hardly ever think about it unless something on tv etc but obviously as he gets older we will need to navigate it all. The extra medical info I’ve already used with his breathing consultant at the hospital so I’m glad we’ve got all that about not just the actual donor but their family too! Even what their jobs are etc it’s all a part of him and he’s perfect so now he’s here I feel nothing but grateful to the donor and for all the info we have about him and his family. That’s just our personal experience and there’s defo no right or wrong answer. I would say though this is still anonymous donation just ‘open’ donor as true non anonymous is using someone you know which is also an option (but not one we wanted to go down as we didn’t want them involved at all unless our child chose that at age 18). We were keen the donor wasn’t located in the UK even though we wanted an open anonymous donor. Good luck with your decision xx

[Wishinandahopin]

I know an adult now who was a donor child and back then it was anonymous and she’s found it to be very challenging as she has no medical history on that side etc and finds it all affects her identity as she just has so many unknowns. She loves her parents but wishes she could at least know about her donor even though she wouldn’t necessarily want a relationship with them.

I have quite a few friends who have gone down the donor route now, all in the U.K., and are bringing their children up knowing they were created using a donor. They will be given the opportunity to contact them when they are older but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll have a relationship, and in a way I think the children are less likely to reject the parents as they have not had the choice taken away from them.

I think in situations like this, as unbearably hard as they are, you have to put your feelings to one side and focus solely on the child’s future needs and rights. But of course nothing is easy in these situations.