Anyone else facing infertility after loss?

[Ike_2019]

My son was stillborn after a textbook low risk pregnancy and no problems conceiving. We are now struggling to conceive again and I feel so alone. Is anyone else in a similar position? I feel like I’m stuck between two groups- those facing infertility who sadly have never conceived, and those who lost a child like me but now have their rainbows. I don’t feel like I fit in either group. If anyone knows how I’m feeling please can you reach out so we can support one another?

[LizzieBW]

I'm sorry for the immensity of your loss. I have not personally been in your situation, although a best friend has and so I now have much more awareness of the charities & organisations that supported her. If you haven't already please reach out to SANDS sands.org.uk/

Maybe others on here will be able to share their stories of hope for conception after a loss. Take care xx

[Ike_2019 in reply to LizzieBW]

LizzieBW thanks for your reply. I have been active on the Sands forum for some time but I have felt recently that there is just no one in my position. Everyone who lost their baby around the same time I did have since gone on to have their rainbows. I’m obviously happy for those people but I’m still stuck 16 months later grieving for my son and now unable to get pregnant. I just feel so alone.

[LizzieBW in reply to Ike_2019]

That's so positive you've been brave enough to share your experience with others & have tried reaching out for help with Sands. I only have a glimpse into your world of pain but I am certain that although you're feeling very alone right now, there will definitely be others out there hoping someone brave is talking like you are now.

The ladies on here are incredible and I am confident someone will stop by to give you comfort and share your pain. Big hugs xx

[XOXO13]

I am so, so sorry to read of your loss. I can only imagine the heartache and pain you’re feeling 💔

I haven’t quite been in your situation.. I had a miscarriage in March when I was 12+5, and it completely broke me. Whilst I was early on in my pregnancy, I felt the loss greatly and it’s taken me a while to piece myself back together.

I know lots of other women through talking online who have also sadly lost their babies through miscarriage, and most are now pregnant again and whilst it’s so wonderful to hear after all they’ve been through, it can be very painful to feel like you’re the one suspended in time and unable to move forward or conceive again. I can relate to that feeling.

Have you spoken to a doctor about why you may be struggling to conceive again?

Since our loss, me and my husband went on to have IVF ICSI treatment (lots of tests got us to that point). Sadly our first cycle failed in November. Our next one (FET) is in January. I try to remain hopeful for the next one 🤞🏻

So whilst our stories are different, I do know how it feels to feel alone and scared of what else this journey has yet will throw at me.

I’ve found all of the women across these forums to be a wonderful support for me. I hope you find support and strength from all on here as well ✨

Wishing you lots of love and big hugs xx

[Ike_2019 in reply to XOXO13]

XOXO13 thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I started replying back last night and then my phone ran out of battery 🥴

I am so sorry for your loss and for the way your treatment has gone thus far. I do hope you have more luck in January 🤞

I have gone to my GP, and got lucky because they agreed to run some blood tests. They came back abnormal, and even though I think this can be explained by the fact my period was 5 days late which meant the timings of the bloods was all off, they agreed to refer me to fertility already. I have a feeling it’s endometriosis- I had a laparoscopy in 2013 where the surgeon found endometriosis and adhesions round my uterus. But that didn’t stop me getting pregnant with my son so it’s very strange that it’s preventing me from getting pregnant now.

Our stories are different but we both know loss and we both know grief. Even just getting your period or getting the BFN every month is like a form of loss. It’s such a hard journey 😢

[XOXO13 in reply to Ike_2019]

It’s good you’re being referred to a fertility specialist, I found that when I was referred, I had new hope and that helped me to stay focused.

This journey is so tough, it takes a lot from those going through it too.

I hope 2021 brings you brighter news and some answers to help you through as well ✨

Here if you need to talk xx

[RhinoCat]

You are welcome here . I only lost the hope of a ten and half week dream ..... but it still hurt. Many here know loss that cuts deeper than the Grand Canyon . I cannot even imagine your pain .

I hope someone in your exact situation reaches out so that you don’t feel so alone. I know a girl who had a stillborn at nine months . Then had a child a while after . There is still hope. Please do not give up .

Love and hugs of support to you lovely lady 😘💐💐💐💐💐

[Ike_2019 in reply to RhinoCat]

Thank you RhinoCat for your kind reply and I am so sorry for your loss 💔 whether it’s ten weeks or 40, it’s still a loss of a child IMO. Yes the physical process is different but it’s still losing a child.

[Lots8788]

So sorry to hear that and so sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced stillborn but here if you want to talk xx

[Ike_2019 in reply to Lots8788]

Lots8788 thank you for your reply 😊

[Hidden]

I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss. I am someone who has never conceived, so though I don’t exactly share your experience I wanted to chime in and tell you how completely wonderful the people are on this forum. The support, strength and courage of everyone here just blows me away. I hope you can find some feelings of support here and also, someone who shares your story. I really truly hope the very best for you and that you get your beautiful rainbow baby. 🌈

[Ike_2019 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, I am so glad I joined this forum, you have all been so lovely already 😊

[Cinderella5]

Hey, just wanted to reach out and say hi! There are quite a few ladies that have had losses on here sadly and still trying for the next elusive pregnancy. Im so sorry for what you have been through, well there are no words that cover a loss. We have been trying for a long time with IVF and we got pregnant twice and lost both pregnancies and are lucky enough to have managed to get pregnant on our 9th transfer which was sometime after so was in limbo land for a while....we still have a long way to go though. I hope you can find a bit of support and comfort here and that you can and do fit in, there's a great bunch of ladies on here who unfortunately also have battle scars.xx

[Ike_2019 in reply to Cinderella5]

I am so sorry for your losses 💔 never did I realise how hard having a family would be, most of my close friends (apart from one who had a miscarriage and one who needed ivf to get pregnant) have had no problems conceiving and bringing healthy living children into the world.

You want the best for your friends but every time someone falls pregnant and then sails though another risk free pregnancy it’s like another twist of the knife, I take it really hard and it makes me feel like an utter failure that I can’t even bring one baby into this world alive.

Gentle congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it is totally uneventful in the nicest way possible 😊

[Cinderella5 in reply to Ike_2019]

I don't think anyone knows how difficult it is until you are in these crappy shoes to be fair! I spent my life trying to do the right thing, not getting pregnant and being settled, having a house etc and its like a smack in the face when you are facing trouble conceiving. It is hard when others around you fall pregnant at the drop of a hat and hear of others "that weren't even trying"....nothing makes it any better but knowing you are not alone does help a little and so does having a safe place like here to vent and discuss with others that know how it feels.

Thank you for your well wishes, its much appreciated. Take care and look after yourself as best as you can.xx

[Hidden]

Hi Ike_2019, I'm so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your son, it's so painful to go through and I hope you are coping as well as you can and have lots of support. This time of year can be especially difficult too.My son died when I was 7 months pregnant after conceiving first time through IUI (using donor sperm as I'm single) last year. It was the first time I had tried to get pregnant and was so lucky that it worked. Since then I've had 2 IUI cycles and 2 IVF's and no pregnancy so I know exactly where you're coming from being between two groups. I have my single mother's FB group and my beareavement FB group often posting all at the same time!

It's good that you're getting various tests done to investigate but I have to wonder about myself if there's some psychological reason that I'm not allowing myself to fall pregnant, sub consciously not wanting to open myself up to that happening again. But as with everything on this fertility journey, you can completely overthink the situation! It is good to connect with people in similar situations because you can feel alone whatever your situation on this journey so happy to help in any way.

[Ike_2019 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply Hidden and I’m so sorry to hear about your son. The grief must be so much harder without a partner to support you, although my husband and I have managed the loss of our son very differently and sometimes I wonder whether we help or hinder each other. And I’m so very sorry that you have not become pregnant since, it just feels like a cruel joke. If only it was the case that we get an easy time getting pregnant again given the immensity of losing a child, but sadly it doesn’t work that way 😔

I know what you mean about the psychological factor, but for me I’ve always been a bit of a basket case. I was pretty stressed when we got pregnant with Ike, and not in the best place mentally, so the fact we got pregnant so quickly was a huge surprise. I’m currently doing all I can to be physically and mentally healthy, but I’m still not falling pregnant and I am hoping when I get my referral appointment for the fertility clinic that we can discuss endometriosis as a possibility for why I’m not falling pregnant. I do get pain throughout my cycle, especially acute pain in my right ovary, and I get pain during sex sometimes. So although I do think psychological factors are at play, I also think there are gynaecological factors at play. I just hope that it is treatable.

[Hidden]

Thanks Ike_2019, one of the groups that I went to discussed how differently men and women grieve and I found it fascinating. Women tend to find comfort in memories and looking back at pictures, momentoes etc. (which I find myself doing) whereas men tend to look toward the future and plan for that which can make them seem cold or as if they've moved on already. It is a generalisation but I found it interesting and a good explanation. I hope that you've both found a way to cope and express your grief.It does sound like you're doing everything you can to get to the next step on your fertility journey and from what you've described it sounds like endometriosis could be the culprit. There are things they can do and it would be good to know what's going on and what they can do to treat it. I've been looking at all different methods to help get pregnant and read a lot about vaginal steaming and the benefits with endometriosis. A bit of a weird one but sure anythings worth a try at this stage!

[Ike_2019 in reply to Hidden]

Vaginal steaming to help endometriosis- I am intrigued! 😂

Yes my husband and I massively fit the gender stereotype, as much as that annoys the feminist in me! He just has this ability to look forward to the future and although he was clearly upset to lose a child, he accepted it a lot sooner than I have. And with ttc, he struggles to see why I can’t just ‘be patient’ and thinks it’s just a case of waiting a few more months and we will miraculously get pregnant with our rainbow. He says we haven’t been trying long enough. But he doesn’t feel the pain in my ovary! It’s definitely not right. The only thing I can’t get my head around is why it didn’t affect me falling pregnant the first time.

Anyway we will see what the fertility clinic says. I haven’t received an appointment yet but it’s very early days as I was only referred on the 19th December. Patience is not something I’m good at though, but I have a feeling I’m going to have to learn somehow how to cope with more waiting. And I keep reading headlines about the new variant and how it’s affecting hospitals 😔

[Hidden]

Yeah seriously, helps balance hormones, reduces period pain and helps infertility apparently! Have a google!Ttc is such a rollercoaster of a journey and I am not blessed with patience in any way. If anyone else tells me to relax and just go with it again, I think I'll strangle them! I tried again as soon as I was able thinking it should happen fairly easily because it did the first time. Had I known that 16 months later I would be nowhere near pregnant, I think I would have gone insane, so this journey definitely teaches you patience whether you like it or not! So I think you're right to get an appointment now, time has a habit of running on.

I really hope the clinic can give you some answers and a plan of action because at least then you will feel you are working towards your goal. The covid situation does not help in any way but the clinics seem to be going ahead as normal so far.

I hope Christmas wasn't too hard for you, I kept thinking that Theo should be a toddler running around by now but it wasn't as painful as last year at least. It's funny when a wave of grief hits me, it's usually out of the blue. I think you can be somewhat prepared for the big days but the run up I find hard, all the family talk and 'do you have anyone for Santa?' questions. There are a lot of different layers when you're grieving and also on the fertility journey, your mind has so much to work on in the background like a computer running lots of different programmes. All we can do is keep going towards our goal with our beautiful boys looking over us.

[Ike_2019 in reply to Hidden]

I can totally relate to what you said about our brains being like a computer, I feel like I have 20 windows open all at once, especially over Christmas, it is so exhausting.

This year I’ve had the added challenge of my SIL being pregnant for the first time. It’s early days and I’m not supposed to know (I guessed and my bro ended up confirming that my suspicions were right). It was weird spending the day with her and my bro knowing their news. Ike was the first grandchild on my side of the family and I thought his sibling would be next, so it’s been very hard accepting their news but I’m coping surprisingly well all things considered. They are also due around his birthday so I keep getting these worries about Ike being forgotten completely in my family and replaced with their baby 😔

I also feel like all the caring duties will fall to me- my mam has MND and my bro and I take care of things for her although she has a care team who do her personal care day to day. It’s not right, my priority should be raising my 16 month old son, not bearing the burden of looking after my Mam without my bro’s help.

I think, as with last year, that I’ll find new year harder. Last year my husband and I went for a walk along the seafront at midnight and I just sobbed the whole time.