Husband wants to give up - I don’t! Anyone else in this position? Age 43!

[Sunnydance]

After 6 failed IVFs ( inc 1 x fet and 3 blast transfers) over the last 3 years, my husband is ready to call it a day. I however, would continue. This is causing some difficulties in our relationship.

We are very lucky to have a child from successful treatment 6 years ago. I never thought for one minute our child wouldn’t have a sibling (how naive).

We have a good life and maybe I need some counselling to help me make peace with the failed treatments etc. I am surrounded by family and friends having babies right now which is lovely for them but not making my situation any easier.

I am 43 so the odds aren’t in my favour however, we have continued to get to embryo stage. I feel I have another few months to do this but I don’t think I can convince my husband, in fact any conversation about this is a bit of a non starter.

Just wondering if anyone is in the same boat and whether you have any perils of wisdom?

Thanks

Sunny

[Ell493]

Have you considered an egg donor? We're just getting started with IVF and I'm 46. It took a lot for me to accept the fact that we needed a donor. My fertility tests are excellent for 46 but still not good enough. We made 2 embryos from my retrieval, which died on day 5. We now have 2 donor embryos ready to go. I'm excited to have a baby either way. I hope we get the chance. Maybe your husband will agree to one more try with a donor?

[Sunnydance in reply to Ell493]

My son was conceived with DS as my husband has Azoospermia. Double donation isn’t for us. Wishing you all the very best 🥰

[Hidden]

I have just written you a MASSIVE long answer but it would have filled up the whole page so I have deleted it. I just wanted to say yes, I am in a very similar position at 43, after 5 failed fresh rounds, 3 natural MC and 1 IVF MC and sadly no previous children, I too am surrounded by babies and happy families everywhere. I don't have any pearls of wisdom sadly but wanted to send you a huge hug. I applied for counselling via the NHS after breaking down at a recent smear test in September but sadly the first available appt is January so maybe apply sooner rather than later if going down that route. Donor isnt really on the agenda for us so not really sure what's going to happen with it all. Masses of luck with everything and hope you find a mutually agreeable outcome xx

[Sunnydance in reply to Hidden]

Hi Daisy, thank you - big hug back. I get counselling via the clinic I’m with and I had two sessions at the start of treatment when i was “optimistic”. Feeling pessimistic now and at such a crossroads. If treatment wasn’t so expensive that would help! Maybe I need to get a grip and practice gratitude more as I am very lucky having a child xxx

[Hidden in reply to Sunnydance]

I don't think you should let the fact you have a child cloud your thoughts, I can't imagine having one and then not being able to have another. must be so hard. I know what you mean about optimism, I had so much hope at the start, I am not sure I can muster any up now xx

[Ketkoot]

Hey Sunnydance.

As a fellow 40+ and Who is very fortunate that IVF worked first time for us, however it took a lot to get my OH on the same page as me! Everything from when to try to start a family all the way to starting IVF. He was adamant that when it failed (we had a 6% chance of it working which he told me frequently) there was no way he could go through the process again.

However fast forward to EC, daily updates on the blastocyst and ET, unfortunately or fortunately only 1 of my eggs made it to day 5 but he now says that had it not worked he would have been happy to try again!

He isn’t someone who talks about his feelings but he has since admitted that he was worried about me going through most of it and he didn’t want to make me feel pressured to try again, plus he had to witness me going through 3 MC.

I can’t even begin to imagine what u have had to go through with 6 failed IVF under ur belt but maybe he is concerned about how this is affecting u both mentally and physically.

Counselling with both of you together may help??

Good luck with whatever you both decide. X

[Sunnydance in reply to Ketkoot]

Thank you Ketkoot. I don’t know what is harder, giving up treatment or keeping going with treatment.

My husband was initially happy to go along with treatment because we naively thought it would’ve been a success as it was before, I don’t think either of us anticipated that we’d be 6 shots down the line, no second child and a lot less well off. It’s almost like it’s hard to take it in and we are left scratching our heads full of sorrow. As we have a child we haven’t let the treatment overly consume us despite trying hard to make it work.

The counselling I’ve had previously hasn’t been great, but I might need to give it another go.

I have a review next week. I’m going to ask about IUI just to give me a small bit of hope without the expense of IVF, my doctor might not agree, I’m probably clutching at straws.

That is amazing that ivf worked first time for you and your husband. You must feel like you’ve won the lottery!

Sunny x