Tricky question... painful topic

[KR2022]

Hi all, I've been with my current partner for 7 years, married for almost 2. We've been struggling to conceive for 6 of those years after a failed vasectomy reversal. Due to our history from when my SO used to be an alcoholic (he used to be VERY abusive and still has the odd rare mild episode) we are unable to adopt or foster.

I love my husband with all my heart but I long for a child of my own with every heartbeat and we even looked into AI - the people we talked to were positive ect but the man who came to our home was horrible and just gross, being very lewd towards me and talking dirty when my husband wasn't in the room but polite when he was.

I went through many tests for almost 2 years before drs put me in the clear - lose some weight and get your stress levels down basically...!

I am currently saving up for IVF but I keep having doubts in my mind and heart.... should I leave my husband and save us further heartbreak and possible years of resentment or cling tightly to my vows? My friends and family say leave but I can't choose, I love him so so much but there's a chill seeping between us, distancing us....

There are other things going on as well (he hates being told *no*, I'm in a wheelchair, have depression, lost my job yada yada) but this is my main question - do I stay or go? my mind says go but my heart screams stay x

[JustJane1234]

I am sorry you're facing such a difficult decision. As you've asked for advice, I will be frank and say that I think you should leave him. You're so young at 29 and you will find someone else to start again with, or you could go it alone with support from friends and family. I don't think having a child with an alcoholic who used to be very abusive and still has the "odd rare mild episode", and who doesn't like being told no, is a good idea at all. If he can be abusive to you, he can be abusive to your child. There's a reason they won't let you adopt with him, and there's a reason your friends and family are telling you to leave him. I'm sorry if that was too frank, but you did ask. If you do go, please take care as it's the most dangerous time for women who've been victims of abuse (even if mostly in the past). Sending you lots of strength xx

[KR2022 in reply to JustJane1234]

Thank you for your honesty, I always appreciate someone who is honest bless you. Been doing lots of soul searching lately x

[Purpledoggy]

I agree 100%with the above. I can’t imagine how hard your choice feels but I do have some experience with a toxic relationship I have no doubt would have turned abusive-he nearly hit me a few times shortly before I left him. I left him after 2 years when I was also 29. We had talked about marriage and kids. Since finally having my little boy on my second round of IVF at 40yo I have actually thought to myself multiple times how relieved I am to have had my boy with my current husband and not my ex. Having a child is so amazing but it’s also incredibly stressful at times and will push even the strongest relationships to their absolute limits, even without any kind of PND or other complicating factors. The child’s welfare has to come before anything else. They do actually ask you about home environment before undertaking IVF, so you may find it challenging to be able to do IVF with him anyway unless you lie, in which case you would need to ask yourself why and in whose best interests lying is. Xx

[KR2022 in reply to Purpledoggy]

Huge relief you are OK now, thank you for your comment x

[Kittykat198]

As others have said, please don’t pursue treatment with a man who is in anyway abusive. Having had Ivf, I can’t stress how emotionally hard it is and how little control you have. It’s incredibly invasive and I can see how this would increase the risk of any abuse happening again.

Having a baby is also incredibly stressful and there is loads of research showing abuse increases in pregnancy and in the post partum period. Babies exposed to abuse show a range of long lasting emotional and developmental issues too (lots of research into this).

It’s also worth bearing in mind that we had to fill out a safeguarding disclosure when pursuing Ivf with the clinic although I don’t know how in depth their checks are.

Womens aid will have information for you talking through your options. They have an option to hide in your internet history if you google them.

please keep yourself safe x

[Marisa32]

Honey, I'm so sorry about your situation. I know it must very hard but you should leave him. The thought of someone abusive being anywhere near a child makes me cringe. Seems like he is struggling with other mental health issues besides alcoholism. You only get one shot at life, please make the best of it for yourself while you still have the time.

[Katiee1]

Sometimes lovely you have to be selfish in life and put yourself first. It would be easy for me to sit here and say leave him because I’m not in your current situation but I think if you’re having to ask the question of whether you should leave or not, you should trust your gut. If he was providing you love, support and safety etc, would you be likely to ask that question? Please take care and stay safe xx

[KR2022 in reply to Katiee1]

That's a really good point, fair play x I cry at the thought of leaving but also can't imagine staying knowing how badly I want to be a mummy. Got a good amount of soul searching going on x

[Katiee1 in reply to KR2022]

It’s such an overwhelming feeling and we all know on this platform what desperation feels like to want to be a Mummy. You will make the right decision for you, have faith in yourself x

[KR2022 in reply to Katiee1]

Thank you 💕

[Rainbowretrieval]

It’s an impossible predicament you find yourself in, but you’ll make the right decision for you in the end. Does he have other children (given the vasectomy?) and if so how does he treat them? X

[KR2022 in reply to Rainbowretrieval]

He has two children from previous relationships and doesn't really see them x

[Rainbowretrieval in reply to KR2022]

I think that might be your question answered… he might end up being an absent father for any baby you had too. I was in a similar relationship to you, abusive with alcoholic tendencies. He had the most lovely kids (only due to their mum’s hard work bringing them up alone) but lived miles from them and when they stayed with us he was a horrendous role model. There could be a chance of you getting nhs funding in the future if you weren’t with him x

[pink_lemon]

I was there. Not married but very much in love. Thought I could not live without him although in my head I knew it was the right thing to leave (and just like you, everyone around could see it too). Left when I was 29 and once I did I started feeling relief. Met my today’s husband 6 months later and I just knew it was him. No mad love but it felt so right. We have been best friends for 10 years. If you want children, then know that having children is hard (not to scare you or anyone on an ivf forum off and sound ungreatful, but…it is…), it puts unimaginable pressure on the adult relationship, you need to support each other and go through the thick, sleep deprivation, frustration. If you have doubts now, imagine that situation down the track.

There is no guarantee you would meet your best friend to go through the rest of your life with soon if you leave, but if you do, you will know and have no doubts.

[Jumpppy]

Agree with the above comments. One follow-up comment on "AI" - I would only do this through a clinic (e.g. IUI). Clinics test the donors and it is very "clean;" inviting a stranger to your house for "insemination" is not a good idea. Last thing you want is an STI from someone who lies about their STI status.

Having been married to someone with severe MF I also had spots where I thought about whether it would be easier if I'm a different marriage...so those thoughts are normal. We have a great marriage and he's never anything but kind. So once we found IVF and he was open to donor sperm should we need it all questions and doubts left my head.

That you have doubts is a sign that this is not a good relationship for you.

Good luck!

[KR2022]

Funnily enough the universe ( in the form of my therapist) decided for me ... He was arrested for domestic abuse and rape, it's going to court and I'll have to start again anyway x

[Jumpppy in reply to KR2022]

Take care of yourself...it's an end but obviously not a great one 😞