Donor eggs

[Tilly8135]

Hi there, just wondering what the correct answer to this is, I was told that if you have a donor egg in the U.K. you have to tell the child this? Is this correct? If I ever planned to do this I’m not sure I would want to tell them, is that selfish of me?

[Orla9298]

I think it’s worth joining the donor egg recipient and donor support group on Facebook. It’s really for the best to let the child know how they are created - a few donor conceived adults are also in the group as well as donors and recipients and they are very firm that it is for the best to know.

Xx

[Cinderella5]

I think it's a really personal decision to be honest. Counsellors and the Donor Conception network really do push you to tell the child in case they find out later in life by some other way. You need to do what's right for you!!xx

[Mazzath1 in reply to Cinderella5]

Did you tell the midwife its d.e I did now on all my records and the twins so that concerns me. If they tell them when there older at a doctors appointment? Xxx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Mazzath1]

Im not sure how it all works and if the twins could see it on their medical records. You should have chat with the midwife if you aren't comfortable, Im not sure if you can ask for it to not be recorded!xx

[Mazzath1 in reply to Cinderella5]

Yeah I think I will as I do want to come from me. Xxx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Mazzath1]

I don't think legally that could be told to be honest (although could maybe access their medical records when they are older themselves) but worth a chat with the midwife to settle your mind.xx

[Ivfgotadream]

Personally I think they should know. Maybe watch that documentary about the American sperm donor who ended up fathering about 30 kids. It’s obvious the children were desperately searching for some kind of genetic connection with each other. It didn’t make them love their parents any less

[User20]

Hi Tilly,

In the UK the donor conceived child has the right to get information about the donor at age if 16 (non identifying information) and 18 (identifying information). Abroad most donations are completely anonymous.

I'm in the process of doing donor egg Ivf in the UK and gave long and hard thought about how I would feel about it and why I would /why I wouldn't want the child to know. For me deep down one of the reasons for not wanting to tell was that that I was worried they would see me less as their mother. However, having thought about it, I actually think I would want to tell them (rather than them finding out in a different way or having a secret). I feel they should at least have the chance to find out where their genes are coming from if they wish to explore this. But it is obviously all personal choice. The donor conception network is very useful.

C.

[PagingMom]

Hi Tilly I just want to say thank you for posting this. The answers here are very insightful.

[Mazzath1]

I went down the anonymous route as I wasn't planning to tell them. Now I'm in two minds. If I do tell them they want more info they would never be able to trace them. Would that not be more upsetting for them. Same time do they have the right to know. Yes. Its hard one. I read once interesting comment. If you were baking a cake. You borrowed a egg from your next door neighbour. The cake woudnt be there's. As you have added all the other ingredients. Really made sense to me. I great believer that epergentics also makes a big part on passing on some of my dna. I not sure what I will do. If I do ever tell them. I will wait till there 5. As none of my family or friends know. Only right my children should be the first to know xxx

[Luna_79]

Hi Tilly, we are currently about to start donar treatment - one of my worries that I think is worrying me more as I get to transfer stage is that we are going abroad where there is a right to anonymity, we chose abroad simply because it is quicker and tbh half the price over here. But part of me does feel guilty that it will deny the child knowing their true heritage and I worry that that would cause more resentment then growing up always knowing they were not biologically mine.

I have always known I would tell my child if I am lucky enough that they were created through a donar egg, as I think a) I’d rather them know and accept this from a young age, rather then finding out as a shock later in life and b) for medical reasons.

My worry is and I have discussed this at length with my partner who doesn’t think it’s an issue but I worry that they would resent us not being able to find out genetically who they were related to or if they had health issues etc.

Part of me would rather no one ever else would ever know other then the child, of course but I truly don’t think that is realistic so I feel possibly better to let immmediate family know as in our siblings. Our Parents already know we are going down this route, and if we are lucky enough to conceive , when the child is old enough to start to explain to them.

It’s a hard decision and one personal to everyone - we are still waiting to see a councillor nearly 8 weeks after referral, but I have read many articles that like above suggest books which help explain to children how they were conceived.

I wish you much luck whatever you decide x

[Jolinkomo]

I don't think it's selfish of you. Egg donation yes is gamete donation but it's a medical intervention that enables women with compromised Fertility to bear children. It's your choice of you want to tell the child or not. I discussed this with one fertility consultant recently and her answer was why would you tell?

Many may say it's in the interest of the child? How is it? The child or children are yours. Your body controls which of their genes are expressed and your blood and body nurtured it. Their personality and character will be determined more by you than the genes they bear.

Personally I wouldn't want to especially if you do not have a non donor child already. However, in the UK I believe the law says the child has a right to contact the donor if they need to. I don't know what they are trying to achieve by this. Some would say in case the child needed medical help. What are the odds that the child will need health intervention from offspring of the donor or the donor?

I know this may also create worry to you regarding feelings of fear that the child may reject you in the future. Please think less of the follicles and egg but more of the pregnancy and the child you will bear. Science made egg donor possible and it should remain a medical intervention and the outcome of parent child relationship should not be controlled by the nanny state.

Other school of thought would say it's being honest with the child. My child has never asked me whether I am her mom or not. She is my natural child and not donor. Children don't start asking who their mom is when they are with their mom in a loving parent child family.

If you do decide to tell the child, it is not a bad thing and you shouldn't worry. Start when they are young and not when they want to open a bank account or go on their first date.

[Mazzath1 in reply to Jolinkomo]

Really good post. I have also read expert's say not to tell them due to actually upsetting them when there is no need too. So difficult even down to medical reasons not like I can get the doner medical history. We would no more the wiser. We have no info what so ever. Apart from age, eye colour, hair colour, age, blood type, and education thats it. I would never be able to provide any more information then that..I feel this could be so frustrating and upsetting for them. Xxx

[Jolinkomo in reply to Mazzath1]

Medical science should diagnose illness as they come. How many illnesses are genetic and have been fixed by genetics globally. A few maybe.

What's the point of having a child and telling them they are from someone else? Again it's a personal decision and circumstances may change as life.evolves for both parent and children.

[Jolinkomo in reply to Mazzath1]

The donor will never be the mother of your child.

[jengi]

Hi Tilly, i don't believe there is any legal requirement to tell your child it is conceived with the help of a donor. If you give birth to a child, you’re always considered the legal mother in UK law even when using a donated egg. However, in the UK children born from egg or sperm donation have the legal right to be able to contact the donor when they reach 18. I think it is your personal choice whether you tell your child or not, there is no right or wrong, i would say go with your gut instinct. In any case, you don't need to make that decision now, just take one step at a time. You will be its mum and nothing or nobody will take that away from you. There is some useful information on these websites :

hfea.gov.uk/donation/donors...

gov.uk/legal-rights-for-egg...

seedtrust.org.uk/egg-donor/...

[PagingMom in reply to jengi]

thanks for these links Jengi, these are very helpful!

[PagingMom]

Hi Tilly i think you can let the child know and find the donor, i don't think it will lessen your bond.😊

[Reuponjoy]

We use donor eggs and plan to tell our child. It is a very personal decision. I am adopted and have always known. My parents used to read me books as I was coming up. I have found my birth parents in the past few years but have no bond with them. I Feel My adoptive parents are my parents I have a very strong and loving bond with them. That is the reason we plan on telling our child from an early age. Also there is 23 and me and ancestry.com and I would be devastated if they found out later in life by taking one of these DNA test and I didn't tell them. I found my birth father through 23andMe 2 years ago. None of our family or friends know, it will be our child's story to tell if she chooses to. Like I said it is a very personal decision. You have to do the pros and cons. And whatever decision you come up with will be the right decision for you and your child. Wish you the best of luck.

[fay2399]

Even I was confused first! But there are many reasons!You tell them because is their right to know! Imagine they grow up and they date siblings! Is same in Australia when they become 18 they have to let the kid know about their donor.

I hope I can be parent one day ! It looks so impossible! Just have a healthy child 😢

You have lots of time to think! They don’t have any idea before they turn 5!

If I were u I didn’t think now