Missing Friends

[Emska77]

I haven’t posted for ages and feeling the need to reach out.

I am coming to terms with not having children as hard as it is, but I am trying to be realistic... What I am noticing now, is a feeling of being isolated I suppose, and gradually I feel I am being left out by some friends that have been lucky to have had their babies. A couple of friends seem to be slipping further away as time drifts on, yet others I speak to every week. I normally instigate getting in touch with the more rubbish ones, and they give me the impression they are so happy to hear from me, and can’t wait to meet up when this social distancing is eased further etc etc but then they disappear for weeks and nothing.. guaranteed it will be me suggesting meeting up again... Maybe they feel awkward and I need to leave it. Or maybe I am expecting too much? Maybe not every friendship is the same? Perhaps I am over analysing.

All I know is it just makes me feel even more sad at this time with the world the way it is at the moment 😔

Any pearls of wisdom gratefully received.

X

[Hope25]

Hi Emska, I have no words of wisdom but just wanted to say that your not alone in how you are feeling. I have 2 close friends who know about my situation but its gone on for so long now that they no longer know what to say. One of them found out she was pregnant very recently and made this big thing about trying to tell me in person (it never happened due to lockdown) so she ended up telling me on the phone. I feel like I am the only one making the effort now. She no longer calls to chat. The only time we talk is if I instigate the call Its really hard. Even noticed that during the VE day celebrations the neighbours got together with their kids but we werent invited Seems like we/me is being more and more ostricised from society

[Emska77 in reply to Hope25]

thanks for taking the time to reply x sounds like we are experiencing similar breakdowns in friendships. I don’t think it is an intentional distancing more subconscious perhaps? ,I just believe their social circle is changing to include other Mums/ Mums to be and their focus has shifted massively. Maybe it’s time we practice a bit of self love, and wait for them to send us messages. If they don’t, let’s leave it. Eventually, if they are true friends, they will get message when they realise you have gone quiet. Equally some friends are truly crap at maintaining regular contact, so let’s not cut our selves off totally, but be open to them if and when they do get in touch. X

[kitscat]

MAU new f

[BRhb]

Hello. I understand how you feel but true friendship should not be hard work and not 1 sided. Surround yourself with the friends that make you feel good and appreciated. You sounded a lot more positive in your reply to Hope. Take care x

[Emska77 in reply to BRhb]

Yeah I suppose I realise it’s no ones fault, just life changes. Not all friendships stay the the same. Friends can come and go and maybe we are just in different places right now x

[Millbanks]

Hiya, from experience I know that my friends with kids are super sensitive about me and are really careful not be constantly going on about them. I’m actually ok about it but they were feeling weird. I just talked to them and told them not to be strange and distant for fear of upsetting me. I’d rather have them in my life with their kids, than not xxx

[Emska77 in reply to Millbanks]

Yes they do feel awkward. Maybe I will address it if the chance comes up, and I also would rather have friends that didn’t feel they have to tread on egg shells with me..that’s probably half the issue x

[Gizmo247]

Hi. I'm sorry you feel rubbish. Sometimes friendships need a little space. However, if you consistently find yourself putting in more effort, then the relationship is unbalanced. I guess you have 2 options - talking to your friends about it or letting the friendship go. I think people's priorities change over time and certainly their circumstances change as well. Maybe some new friends will come into your life? Friends that are interested in you and your priorities/ values. I don't think you should keep going with the current friendships in the way you are because a) it makes you feel rubbish b) it's not fair on you. I hope you find friendships that make you feel valued as this is something everyone needs and deserves.

[Emska77]

I’ve never been someone to surround myself with loads of friends, so it’s s just sad when the dynamics of any of them change. Talking to other people I know it happens a lot where people can ghost for months to then pop up later. The one friend in particular I struggle with had a very traumatic birth last year of her second daughter, and I think her life focus has shifted so much to motherhood that unless I fall in to her immediate network I’m a bit of an after thought. For now she gives me enough reason to believe she still cares in my friendship so I won’t give up just yet xx

[Hidden]

Hi, I know you posted this a few days ago but just wanted to say you are not alone, I am in a similar position where I am slowly coming to terms with the fact I am unlikely to have any children, and it suddenly hit me yesterday I NEVER hear from anyone unless I contact them. I literally have one friend I hear from and she isnt interested in having children so guess she can contact me guilt free. Everyone else has just disappeared off into the next phase of their life and left me behind. its a lonely place to be and I get to the point when I am not sure if its really worth making the effort or not tbh. I am going to almost make a list of who I would be lost without and make an effort with them but the rest of them can go by the wayside xx

[Emska77]

Thanks for your message x I think that’s the only thing to do now, just leave them to it and see if they bother to contact you. I have other good friends that it’s effortless with, some have kids and some don’t. So it’s not entirely to do with them having kids but more down to the person in my experience. If I’m honest, my friend in question was always a bit hot and cold and I was too as a result. Yet somehow we have hung on. Maybe that’s just the sort of friendship we are meant to have? I don’t know. But like you must feel, it just gets a bit old and this infertility journey is a lonely time so we are super sensitive as well. Let’s fill our time with those that do care maybe make some new ones too? and wait to see if old friends decide to pop up xxx