Fighting suicidal feelings

[Rainbowhope]

My sister in law is pregnant with her 3rd. Shes3 years older than me and got married 2 years after. I think I'm ready to give up. I pray for death nowadays more than I pray for a baby because I cant take the pain.

[KriSho]

Hey Rainbow hope, I know this hard and the journey has it's ups and downs. You keep you chin up and don't let things around you get you down. Easier said than done I know. Maybe you should consider counseling it will help you deal with emotions and feelings. Xx

[LizzieBW]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Feeling frustrated, angry, disappointed, sad, exhausted and so much more are all completely normal given the circumstances and we're right there with you.

Feeling suicidal shouldn't ever be considered as normal and I'd really love to encourage you to get some professional support today. I noticed you posted similar feelings a few months ago and in your replies you posted to say you were feeling a little better. If you think it might help maybe read over your old post and replies to remind you of the shift in your mindset & how you were feeling more positive & supported. Sometimes a reminder of your own strength can help. Reaching out and talking things through is amazing, it shows you have strength and self-awareness. The professional element is so important so I second what KriSho said, if you can arrange some counselling or professional support with your clinic today please do xxxx

[Shirazlover2013]

Hi rainbow, I had a read of your profile and I can see you’ve had a really rough time of it during your infertility journey (sorry I know some of us dislike that word). Other people’s pregnancy announcements, especially when it’s their 2nd/3rd+ are absolutely awful, I know that feeling when my own grief outweighs my happiness for others. I especially dislike it when they get pregnant quickly 😩. My SIL just gave birth to her 1st and I really struggled seeing them during her pregnancy but now I’m starting to see the silver lining here at last, I have my first niece and at least it’s an addition to my extended family that I can still be part of.

You sound a bit like me in that you’re counting the statistics (age, years married, number of pregnancies etc). I can’t help myself and whilst it helped put things in perspective for my OH, I also recognise it only makes me feel worse marking the time I’ve spent trying and failing to extend my family (I am blessed to have a 4yr old).

There’s not much I can offer other than letting you know you’re not alone. Not alone in these thoughts and not alone on this shitty journey. Xx

[Hidden]

Hi lovely, I am so sorry you feel like this, have you got anyone to talk to? have you tried any counselling? I think you need to get help today - can you go to the doctors?

You aren't alone. I've had a rough few years like you and I am so up and down. I just think I have got over the whole baby eating me up thing and then small things happen - managed to get over my sister having a baby and being told off and pressured about my lack of support for her in the early stages whilst I had IVF and MCs, I was at my lowest ebb then.. but got back together but now the latest is my next door neighbour is pregnant. I hardly know her but its just so unfair. She's already got one child and every time I see her she complains about how big she is, or how she misses wine etc. its near the due date now and I have lost all motivation for life. I am hardly doing any work. I am not sleeping. I can't leave the house without checking she isnt outside. There were a couple of cars outside their house the other day and I had a panic attack thinking she had had the baby and I would now have to admire him/her, hear their cries every day etc. Sometimes I just want to run away and never come back.

The thing is we can't fix it on our own. We need someone to say poor you, and understand and empathise and give us tools to try and deal with all of these emotions. Please find someone to talk to, and don't be afraid to say you need help. because this is the toughest of journeys even though 99% of the world have no idea just how hard it is xxxx

[Rainbowhope in reply to Hidden]

My neighbours due in Feb too. Our walls are so thin I bet I will hear their baby crying.

[ttcemmie]

Rainbowhope, so sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I can understand - I have been suicidal recently, and I am still really low, although no longer suicidal. I made an appointment with my GP at the time, who was incredibly helpful. She signed me off work and kept in regular contact with me until I was feeling well enough to go back (a month later! - work were not happy). I am also going to start counselling next week for depression (first session strangely to be on what would have been my due date - miscarried last year). There was a wait because: NHS. Probably saying too much about me when this is about you, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and you have a lot of love and support on here (and, I suspect, in real life too!). This is a really awful journey (understatement) and is tough to get through. It really won't be forever, though, and we want you to get through it. Lots of love. Emmie xxx

[Rainbowhope in reply to ttcemmie]

I dont have any support for my family. My family have never been supportive of me. I have decided to cut them out if not life because they do more harm than good. I always thought I could make my own family and move away from them. My husband and I are discussing divorce on and off. I think it's for the best.

[ttcemmie in reply to Rainbowhope]

So sorry you have to deal with an un-supportive family on top of all this.

[amandac84]

Hello Rainbowhope. I am so sorry to read this, there is no denying this journey is brutally hard and painful and difficult. Feeling suicidal is not a good place for you to be and I encourage you to use any strength you have to get some professional help. You can do it, and we are all here right behind you. You will get through this but with the right help to get you back on a good path. Sending love xxx

[Cinderella5]

Hey Rainbowhope, Im so sorry that you are struggling so much at the moment. Its so hard when we are faced with new pregnancies/babies, all of it just seems so unfair and we are left behind. Im not sure if you have had any counselling and I know the others have mentioned it too but maybe worth a try....I know its not for everyone but if you dont like it or think that it helps then you can jack it in. My heart goes out to you, its tough when you have been doing this for such a long time as a few of us have. Sending big hugs, I hope you know that we're all thinking about you at this rough time.xxx

[Missy_22]

Hey darling we have all been there feeling low. I wanted to die when I had to bury my two daughters at separate times a year apart. I didn’t want to go on and everyone around me was having babies. I even work with babies and it broke me. Some how i found the strength to go on.

Please see your GP for support and talk to your family if you are able to.

Remember you are not alone and we can all support you.

You will get your baby one day. Big hugs xxxx

[Rainbowhope in reply to Missy_22]

I'm so sorry to read this. You are an amazingly strong person for being so positive in the face of such pain. X

[Hidden]

Hey Rainbowhope, I couldn’t read and run. I’m so sorry your feeling this way, you are having a rough ride and infertility can be all consuming. I would echo what others have said and make an appt with your GP today in order to get some counselling. I took advantage of counselling at my fertility clinic and things definitely felt less dark after it. Helps to talk to someone impartial. Is this an option for you? Nothing is more important than you and your mental health right now. Is there someone you can spend some time with today too? Family/friend? My sister in law gave birth during my 2ww and I couldn’t bring myself to congratulate her. I know its so hard but try not to compare yourself to others and their situations as we are all different. Just focus on you for today and take each day as it comes. Xxx

[Mazzath1]

Aww please dont say this. I know how you feel. I felt the same way. You just have to try not let it consume you. Easier said then done it's very hard place to be. There is so many options out there . 🥰🥰🥰🥰

[emmab178]

So sorry you are feeling like this. Please make an appointment with your gp as toy readout need support through this bad time.

We are all here for you x

[FrancyItaly]

Don’t even joke about that Rainbowhope! I know how hard it is, I have many pregnant friends and family members around and I can imagine your feelings. But please don’t give up! I also compare myself to others, but their story is not my story! Try to trust your body and trust the journey. I’m sure at the right time and when you least expect it it will happen for you and it will be worth all the pain you are feeling right now. I’m doing some fertility meditation at home which is kind of helping me a little. Please when you feel that way PM me, I can give you my number and we can chat if you want. I know how lonely you must feel.

[Rainbowhope in reply to FrancyItaly]

Thank you for offering to speak to me. Xx

[KayCan]

This is just an awful place to be, I really feel for you. The thing is when you feel like that it is very easy to spiral into negative thoughts. It really is the hardest thing to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and carry on. I'm sure alot of ladies on this forum have felt the way you are now so don't ever think you are alone. I've been there too, isolated myself from friends, lost friends over it. But somehow I found strength to carry on, stopped comparing my life with others and concentrated on my own journey. Sometimes in life things don't turn out the way you planned but I honestly believe that what is meant to be will not pass you by. I hope you find some strength to carry on, confide in someone about how you are feeling. We all deserve happiness, never forget that ❤

[MrsH17]

Hi Rainbowhope,

I know this is hard. Every pregnancy announcement is a stab in the chest but it’s not worth taking your life.

You really need to talk to the doctor about these feelings you are having.

If you can maybe take a break from this? You can put your energy into something that will bring you positive outcomes. I know it’s easier said than done and you have been through a very tough time but you will come through stronger if you get the right care.

Please feel free to pm me anything I will always respond xxx

[Lots8788]

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so low at the moment. I'd also encourage you to try and get help today and agree that looking back at past posts when you had similar feelings a while back may help, to show how you've felt this way before but worked through it and felt better, and to show you how strong you are even though you may not feel that way at the moment. Hopefully your GP can help you and perhaps arrange some counselling and/or medication. Hope you have lots of support around you and remember we are here to support you too and you are not alone. Big hugs xx

[anonmous23]

Hi hun. its such a hard thing to take in, I am in the same situation, my sister in law is 40 had her first at 39 and again got pregnant naturally at 40, I feel so down, but one thing I will say to you your life is more important than anything else, its a very hard journey but just think there are people who have kids and still not happy and there are people who have all and still not happy. please do not feel like this and keep strong and keep going. we are all here for you. xxx

[Italy300618]

I felt so sad reading your post Rainbowhope. I never knew how consuming, how depressing, and simply life destroying this process can be, but none of this is worth the thoughts you are having now. Your life is so much more than this journey. You will get there in the end with grit and determination, I would definitely seek help, and surround yourself with support, but just know that you've done amazing to get where you are even now and you will do this. We are all here to support you, lots of love xx

[Lorita1984]

Dear Rainbow hope I just wish to send you a big hug❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️. Should you wish to talk or chat just pm xxxxxxxx

[SharlyWarly]

So sorry that you feel like this, it is a very painful place to be in. Your worth is not derived by whether you have children or not. When IVF is unsuccessful that is just it, I don't think it is helpful to talk about it as 'failed', it makes women feel like they have failed and they haven't. You are you, and as much as you want a child (I know it is all consuming - I've been there and still am), you are a wonderful person that deserves to be here whether it is with child or without xxx please take care of yourself and take a deep breath and take some time to see what you do have in your life rather than what you do not

[tiger-cub]

I’m so sorry that u feel this way . But please believe in all these lovely ladies that these feelings r not good and you need to speak to someone like your gp about them . All of us going through infertility at one point must have had these feelings . This path is difficult but in d end someway or d other everyone gets there . So don’t be hard on yourself . U need to be strong mentally and physically to move on . Lots of love n xxx

[Janop79]

Hi Rainbowhope, I hope you’re feeling a little better today?

I know how you feel and have occasionally felt the same way. You are not alone. I’ve been coping better recently by trying to keep positive, visualise and also doing things that make me smile or distract me when I’m feeling at my lowest. I know a few people have already suggested this, but how do you feel about getting counselling? It could help to talk to someone who is completely objective?

Please feel free to message me if you ever want to talk to someone xxx

[Rainbowhope]

Thank you to everyone that has messaged me to offer support. It does help to know I'm not alone. I have made a GP appointment on Friday during which I will ask for counselling. Tbh, I don't think it will help but I desperate now. I am coming to the realisation that, although i love my husband dearly, he isn't enough for me. I married him thinking we'd have a family together. Without a child we are just two people who roll around in this big house. He watches telly downstairs or plays computer games and watch telly upstairs. He's a good man but just not enough. I'm Indian so still a stigma around divorce. My husband's parents are elderly and he wont move away from their area. I'm desperate to run away because watching everyone get on with their lives is killing me. I just dont see the point in living and fantasies about dying all the time. I think I wish for death more than a baby these days. I have transfer number 6 (or my next waste of time and money) next Tuesday. I have no faith in it whatsoever. I moved to DE thinking that if I sacrifice the chance if having my own I would have more chance to get a live birth. But no. I'm ready to die because the thought of ending this pain is truly the only thing that makes me feel happy. I am up every night at 2am (like now) and cant sleep due to anxiety. Then I cant get to work in the mornings on time. My neighbour is due in Feb. I will hear her child through the thin walls of our new build. I loved out of London and brought this house because it's a nice place to bring up children and now I desperately miss my city. But all our savings have gone so we'll probably never have enough to move back to the city. I'm not finding joy in any aspect of life and I'm trapped in every way possible. I know you are all hear for me but i just dont want to be hear.

[ttcemmie in reply to Rainbowhope]

Oh Rainbow, my love. I totally understand you. I wake up in the middle of the night and am also struggling to go to work. I'm doing pretty little work whilst I'm there too, if I'm honest. My neighbour has just had a baby (and also has a five year old) and I hear them through our walls too. Going round to congratulate them was HARD. I know it seems pointless, but counselling can help. I don't know if counselling would also help you and your husband? The depression and the whole TTC/IVF may just be driving you apart - if you love him underneath all that? My husband plays computer games upstairs while I'm downstairs, but I know we have love for each other and just need our own space. Savings.... GOD! This is the most expensive thing ever! More expensive than our wedding (so far - and the expenses are still ongoing for IVF). Trapped is definitely a word I would use. I feel trapped in our current life, which I hate, and my life feels on hold, which is awful. There is no joy at the moment. I'm not sure this message is entirely helpful, but I want you to know you're not alone in how you feel. Fertility struggles are incredibly difficult and you should reach out for all the support you need. Also - tell your mum that what she's saying is ridiculous and incredibly unhelpful.

[Rainbowhope]

Also, I have completely lost my faith. My mum tells me some bullshit about God punishing me for a mistake from a past life (yes, this is what I have to put up with).

[Celloheggy in reply to Rainbowhope]

Rainbow I haven’t read everything above, literally just this message, rushing to get ready for work. Divorce your mother, she is toxic!! No one needs that thrown at them. I hope you get some help. My husband has a pathetic excuse for a mother (she’s behaving at them the moment) but he’s had considerable amounts of counselling to cope with her. Good luck 😘xxx

[Hidden]

I’m sorry you are feeling so awful. I felt like sometimes during our struggle. I never got help which I should’ve done. I would urge to get counselling. I’m so sorry your mother is so unkind without wanting to be offensive no one deserves to go through infertility. If it was a case of “deserving it” then abusing parents wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. I would avoid anyone who isn’t supportive of what you are going through. I know people don’t understand this journey unless been through it but there is no need to be so unkind. I thought my mother in law was bad she dropped us like a sack of poo when we couldn’t conceive & still favours my hubbys bro & sister in law ( who has had 2 children taken off her..) too tired to see my daughter but fine to see my nephew.. put yourselves first & step away from anyone toxic who hasn’t got your back. Hope some counselling will help you xxx