Positive stories please.

[Rainbowhope]

Today is the day of my 2nd transfer with donor eggs and 5th transfer overall. In June I had a chemical pregnancy with donor eggs.

This cycle has been the strangest yet. Somehow my partner and I have fought through most of it. Usually he's extra nice to me while we go through it but I think he feels this is just run if the mill stuff now so maybe he isn't being as caring as he uses to be. I'm the same to be honest. I've been doing the bank breaking acupuncture, trying the ear healthy ( although my sugar craving this cycle is huge) and doing excersize. Despite all if this something hasn't felt right.

I've thought a lot about why this us happening to me. I look at other pregnant women and make comparisons in my head all the time. She's prettier than me, thinner than me, must be a better person than me. All these thoughts run through my head to justify why she's having a baby and I'm.struggling. at the risk of sounding dramatic I don't have anything to live for if I don't have a child.

My faith is being challenged and I've contemplated giving up my religion. I've had some nasty words for god, for the universe and for my loved ones around me.

I thought these pangs of negativity would dissipate once we arrive in Greece and it's all systems go. However, on the morning of transfer, today, my head remains filling with doubt. My body and breasts are bloated from the progynova and I just feel fat. I've never been fat but since 2017 I've been my body and breasts expand and I hate it. The irony sometimes makes me laugh, IVF doesn't get e pregnant but I sure as hell look like I am.

Everyone says the most important thing is not to stress and be positive. Whenever I hear that I just wanna punch that person in the face.

Can I possibly get pregnant when feeling this low? Has anyone experienced feeling very low and being sure it won't work and then by some miracle it does?

I feel like I'm being very self indulgent by writing this 'poor me' piece. I'm aware that I lucky to even have this opportunity to try and millions in the world have it much worse than me. Sorry if j offend anyone. I know you are all strong amazing women. I wish I could take everyone's pain away.

I have two of the must beautiful nieces on the planet and my brother and his wife but moan about how they've had to take 100k loan to get their new house done up. I keep quite about the fact that my husband and I are down to 50 pounds in our home account until he gets paid at the end of the month because of ivf so I don't care to know about how much your house is costing to extend and redecorate. I don't think they really care. I found out earlier this year that my brother had lent a cousin money but he's never once offered to help with all the costs we have with ivf. Not that I'd talk it but to be asked might be nice. To know that someone is thinking of you and cares.

I dunno why I wrote this. Life just does make sense. I'm starting to forget who I was b3fore the pain of ivf and wanting a baby infested every inch of my being.

[Keepingfaith85]

I think what you are feeling is entirely justified. You have been through so much that no one else understands (other than those that are going through it) and it's not something that can put a positive spin on. It's just bloody unfair. I'm sure you know really that it's not your fault because of course it isn't anything that you have done or any of us have done. I'm sure we've all had those feelings though...it's hard not to make comparisons with others and you almost want something to blame but of course we never get all the answers. Positive thinking and people telling you not to stress makes everything worse I agree. It invalidates your feelings and makes you feel like you are the problem at the same time. Your feelings are valid and I think it's good to express the negativity when you need to, a good rant usually helps me anyway! Sending you a big hug and we're all here to listen any time you want to vent x

[Rainbowhope in reply to Keepingfaith85]

Hiya. Thanks so much for your reply. Still on Greece and this is d2p5dt. Trying to enjoy the food and taking nice long walks. Feeling slightly better but still keep thinking about what my next step will be if this fails. I've come to the conclusion that it's not that I'm negative I just need a plan in life. It's who I am. OTD is Wednesday so I just have to stay positive for a little while longer. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.

[Keepingfaith85 in reply to Rainbowhope]

Ooh I love Greece & all the lovely Greek food - enjoy! Glad to hear you are feeling a lot more positive. I think it's easy to swing between different emotions. It's annoying the lack of control we have but all we can do is take things day by day xxx wishing you lots of luck!

[Boo718]

Omg I hear you we are on the 5th round and I think I’ve gone through every single emotion. Stay positive they say .... f**k o** I say 🤦‍♀️ I’ve stayed positive 4 times and nothing good has happened! this time I feel .... meh. Lost the will to live. A life without kids to me is no life at all (I know everyone’s different) but we can get through this xxx have a good cry punch a pillow smash a plate let it out xxx

[Rainbowhope in reply to Boo718]

Lol....punching a pillow sounds like a great idea. Thank you for replying. It's so comforting to know I'm not going mad and I'm not the only one who feels like this. I constantly feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself but I do. I'm just gonna own it. I feel sorry that I have to go through this and I feel sorry that any of us do. Sometimes I feel pissed of with couples that have children and take them for granted.