Anyone else having arguments?

[LunaLovegood11]

Had a row with my partner today when I told a family member about having fertility treatment.

He says I shouldn’t discuss it, where I feel it helps to talk it over.

Having such different ways of coping is hard... Anyone else experienced this?

Xx

[Judy18]

Hey. I am the same as you. Talking to friends helps me. My husband doesn’t mind me doing it. He said he is fine not telling anyone (he is able to compartmentalise and not think about appointments until they happen- still uber supportive to me). I think if it helps you to speak to someone that is trustworthy then you should. It is such an emotional time and the more support the better. Good luck to you hun. Always here if you need to vent or need hugs sending your way xxx

[Noah1981]

I’ve had no experience in the whole who to tell who not to tell but men are a totally different kettle of fish to us ladies I’m very much so a believer in talking about things and luckily my partner feels the same way so we are very open about it all as I try to give people an insight to what it’s like (although they still don’t get it ) that’s why I find this forum a real blessing and we are all here in it together so you can always down load to us ladies here .Your husband probyfinds it difficult depending also on what the infertility issue is if it’s down to his side of things I’m sure over all tho it’s a man thing but good luck hunny your not alone we are all cheering each other on here xx

[Rach82]

Happened to me like this, I told a friend and OH was not happy; men just cope differently I guess?

I told him it's not a bloody secret or something to be ashamed of so I could tell who I liked. That made him realise he'd upset me. We're all here for you if you need to vent/ask advice xx

[LunaLovegood11]

Thank you lovelies. I guess it’s an ‘us’ thing so not just mine to tell but we just need to find that understanding, both ways.

Ah it’s so hard! We are real warriors, aren’t we? Xx

[Judy18 in reply to LunaLovegood11]

We are absolutely warriors! Xx

[Jenny_]

My husband doesn't want to share either. I do not share this with our common friend. I do talk with people at work. We believe it's men's pride.

[Shirazlover2013]

We all cope differently and often this experience shows some stark differences between the sexes. I’ve told my family and a few close friends all the details, and a few other friends know we’re struggling with infertility but not all the details. I don’t like telling work but did tell my boss about 1 of my 3 ivf cycles (to get the time off for appointments). However my husband has told a heap of his friends and just about everyone at his work but not his parents 🤷‍♀️ I think it’s important to talk about it as it’s not something any of us should be ashamed of but that’s just me. We’re here if you want to talk to us, I’m glad we’ve all found one another in this community xx

[LunaLovegood11 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Yes this community is amazing!!!

We really shouldn’t be ashamed but as it’s not the done thing to talk about, I guess there’s a bit of awkwardness. Thanks for your reply.

I really hope we can all have our little miracles one day xxx

[Apple87]

My husband was the one who had to tell people and at first I was kind of annoyed but at the same time if that’s what got him through it then so be it. Sometimes you need someone else to vent to and if that’s a friend/colleague/family member. Im sure he will come round everyone has different coping mechanisms. X

[crisps88]

My husband exactly the same. I told my 2 best friends and eventually we told his parents and my mum but he didn’t have anyone to talk to or rely on until failure of first cycle and he told his best friend who was soo supportive throughout the second one he said he wished he would’ve told him from the start. It’s mad. I would’ve gone crazy without telling anyone and not being able to talk about it. I mean he is the most supportive and amazing husband in the world but that’s just the way he dealt with it. Xxxx

[LunaLovegood11 in reply to crisps88]

Exactly... and I’d like other people to talk to as I’m always dumping on him (emotionally... not physically... that would be weird 😂)

[ClaireDC]

Considering it’s us that bear the brunt of it all, men have no idea how it feels mentally physically emotionally. So I’m very open. I also find it less lonely. It’s one of the hardest things we’ll ever go through nothing wrong with wanting to speak freely and have a little extra support x

[LunaLovegood11 in reply to ClaireDC]

Yes I know he feels left out as it is because of the biology of it all... But you’re right, the exact words are ‘less lonely’ when sharing xxx

[Kempton]

Yes. I needed to confide in people (just my mum and siblings), whereas hubby chose to keep it to himself... a relief to me, hypocritically, as they're quite a gossipy family.

To this day they don't know. Although he recently shared with a friend, who confided they were having fertility troubles. I got a bit upset as I felt it wasn't the same as telling family and I didn't trust thus friend not to blab. But his friend reassured me he'd never do that. I know it's a slight double standard on my part, but I know my mum and siblings haven't mentioned it, I just hope his friend is true to his word.

Our baby boy is almost 20 months now. But I guess I want us to be the ones who decide when, how and if he finds out, not just a slip of the tongue from a friend who knows a bit too much.

[Hidden]

I have the same issue. My OH doesn’t want to tell people, mainly because of the extra pressure of people waiting and asking how things are going.

I’ve told my besties and people at work, mainly because I feel I’ve got nothing else going on to talk about. They know more than my family.

I can’t bottle it up and have always been a open book.

I think must be a male/female, Mars/Venus thing.

xxx

[LunaLovegood11]

Thanks so much for your reply ladies. You guys really help me 😘 x

[Gem2410]

Hi. Yes! I reiterate what all the ladies have said. I chose to tell close family and friends. Whereas my OH hasn’t told anyone. Talking about it keeps me sane. Even if they don’t fully understand it. I feel less alone. My OH has questioned why I’ve told people, and I still don’t think he fully understands why I needed too. xx

[Refocus]

Hi, my husband didn't want people knowing for a long time and I HAD to talk about it. So I would talk to my close friends and not any of my husbands family or friends. My husband has finally opened up and actively wants to talk to friends about it now that he has realised how supportive our friends. Two of our friends out of the blue have actually come forward and offered their eggs to us!! This would never have happened if they didn't know our situation. So what I'm trying to say is, you both have to be respectful of how each other deal with the situation but also do what helps you individually and the way you both want to deal with things along the journey will probably change. Xxx

[Kitcat12]

My partner was exactly the same. Didn't want anyone to know we had IVF. We're 19 weeks pregnant now and his family and friends still have no idea how we conceived. It's bizarre. I found it so difficult while we were going through treatment. So much so that I told my two closest friends and asked them to keep it to themselves. I didn't like hiding this from my partner but I really needed the support from my friends x