Proud of myself!

[PurpleLove19]

On Saturday I went to see my niece for the first time, she’s about 3 weeks old I think, I said when she was born it would be a few weeks or months as I was too fragile but the longer it went on I just couldn’t help myself. Especially when I’d see pictures on social media and family had said she is the double of me I felt I just needed to see for myself.

Baring in mind I have not seen any of them since the pregnancy was announced I just needed to rip the plaster and man up.

I’m so glad I went! I was there for around half an hour before I asked if I could hold her. They were fantastic with me and didn’t talk about the birth until I asked. We talked about everything and anything at first which put me at ease and made me realise I had nothing to fear.

I came away feeling so happy and bursting for love. I was also very proud of myself that I managed to go and be happy.

I don’t know if it was the fact that I then went out with friends and enjoyed a few drinks but yesterday I was exhausted, low and tearful.

I think it was a mixture of things, lack of sleep, Sunday blues as I’m having a rough time at work at the moment and the fact I don’t deal well with the next day from the night before. I didn’t drink loads but even a couple affects me the next day.

This all made me realise that going out and enjoying a night is only a very short fix and that staying in every weekend with a family of my own is what I really want.

The highs from Saturday just came crashing down like a tonne of bricks.

I’m getting really impatient now and not only for a baby, for the fact I want a new job but too scared to incase we get called for treatment and I loose my entitlements with a new employer so I’m in a very crap position.

Monday morning has arrived and I’m tired and anxious about the week ahead. I have to leave my feelings at the door as I don’t want my boss to pull me up again for not looking happy enough.

Only 4 more weeks until summer and then I can hide away for a while and hopefully be a bit further forward.

😢

[Noah1981]

Oh bless your heart ❣ .It sounds to me like you have just made one huge step going forward this weekend .A new baby to a family member when your struggling to conceive is absolute heart break and you know what I think every single woman on here can relate to it me included .My brother and his partner are expecting here first in October after she suffered a miscarriage before Christmas last year and then lost her mum 10 days later ! My cousin is just about to birth her 3rd child and I’m just glad there in Dublin and I’m in Wales that I’m far enough away of the emotional attachement if seeing them both every day but at the same time I’m excited for there new arrival but that niggling feeling underneath it all is I WISH IT WAS ME . Will my turn ever come around again .Will I get to make that big announcement again and you know what I believe in my heart of hearts that we all will .God Work’s in mysterious ways and I believe that one day you will have your precious bundle and we can’t wait to congratulate you on your wonderful news .I know this journey isn’t easy and your not alone .Keep believing darling your day will come and I’m sure one day your gonna here people say oh wow Dace your little one is just like you .Its so easy to fall into the depths of depression but remember our bodies are really sensitive to bad feeling and I know it’s hard but we got to try remain positive 🤞🤞go out and enjoy your life because on this journey in life what’s ment for you won’t pass you by and if it helps I also am having a bit of shit in work from my boss wanting scan dates in advanced 😂😂 my gynaecologist was right when he told us that people will never understand what your going through till they have to go down that road themselves so with work just hang on in there I can’t wait for my positive and tell them to stick there job as soon as maternity leave arrives 😂 always here if your ever need to moan you can always message me your not alone us women on this rollercoaster are on this ride together chin up xxx Rachel (aka) Noah xx

[Noah1981 in reply to Noah1981]

When I mentioned scans I ment my scans since starting my injections to monitor the follicles progress some people just don’t get what it entails and how important it is to attend these appointments xx

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Noah1981]

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. I actually had a really nice day today so that’s a good start to the week. My best friend was actually upset today as her period arrived and she’s getting anxious about it all. She’s a little older than me and has been trying for around 7 months. So I found myself being strong for her.

I really wish it was my turn but I’m sure it won’t be too far away. x

[Noah1981 in reply to PurpleLove19]

Some times being someone else’s support system makes you feel better about your own journey and having a friend go through it is so much easier because you both know how it feels .It will happen positive mental attitude even when you feel like your world is crashing around you .None of us are alone we all have each other’s support Xx

[Gem2410]

Bless you. You did really well by going. I haven’t had any family members that have had babies yet. But have had friends that have and are having babies. It is so so hard! We’re on our third attempt of iui before moving on to ivf. I know it’s hard at times but we will get there. I wish you all the luck in the world xx

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Gem2410]

Thank you hun. I wish you luck for your next go. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Having a pregnancy in the family is a different feeling to seeing friends. I find it difficult to listen to family being excited because I’m jealous that it’s not me giving them a bundle of joy. I hope you’re the first in your family hun x

[Gem2410 in reply to PurpleLove19]

Yeh it must be very different. I can’t imagine what it must be like. But we will get there 😊💪 xx

[Hidden]

I think you should feel proud of yourself it takes strength to see a newborn baby when facing infertility challenges.

For me I found seeing babies easier to see babies over pregnant women I couldn’t handle seeing pregnant women. Babies weren’t easy to see tho.

As for work if you struggling then ask GP for support there is no shame in seeking help. It’s a difficult journey. I wish I sought help it never went away even now it’s still there a bit. You have a supportive GP who may have some helpful ideas that might make a difference to you xxx

[PurpleLove19 in reply to Hidden]

Yes strangely I feel better seeing babies than seeing a pregnancy announcement or a bump. I think it’s because women go in a bubble when they are pregnant and look all glowy and happy. Or they moan about how it’s affecting them but yes I don’t enjoy being round pregnant women. I aren’t one for being all over babies that aren’t no relation to me either, like when women bring in their babies at work I don’t make an effort but it’s different for family as you have that connection and to be quite frank you don’t have a choice. They have been born, they are part of your family and that’s that. I just have to think that when everyone has done having their babies mine will be all brand new. I always thought I had to be the first in my family as I’m the oldest grandchild but I’m afraid I’ve decided to get my foundations round me first and now I’m on this journey. Our siblings that are younger who have had babies have had them in my opinion too soon and you can tell they haven’t got the foundations we have. Fingers crossed I will be able to make it to the summer holidays in one piece and then by the end of the summer beginning of autumn il be that step closer to my own 🙏🏼

[WaltzingWonder]

Well done Dace19! Such a hard thing to engage with other people's baby joy when you're suffering sadness on that front yourself. I wish the answers were there for you; I swear the unknown is the worst part of all this. Just remember everything you're feeling is normal: Limbo-Land is sh*t but some ups will come eventually. Keep hanging in there and proving to yourself you can get through it xxx