My hearts just broke 💔

[PurpleLove19]

So the pregnancy in the family that I’ve avoided for 9 months has now ended today. A beautiful baby girl was born and she looks so perfect so much like my younger cousin. I remember him when he was a baby as he’s been my brother from day one. Him and my biological brother have been best friends all our lives and I remember them both as babies. They are 6 years younger than me and I’ve always looked after them.

I’ve felt awful that at a time he told me he was going to be a dad his words were “Your little bro is going to be a dad!” Were the worst words I could have heard at such a heartbreaking time for us.

I remember crying for two days, couldn’t get up off the floor I felt so broken and lost.

Family have avoided talking about it unless I’ve asked and I’ve not seen my cousin at all. Because I’ve avoided him until a few weeks ago I reached out to him on text and explained how happy I was for him and sorry for how I had been. He was amazing with me. I then went out to buy gifts as my way of trying to make those baby steps- pardon the pun.

So I then got upset tonight- not cried but just disappointed that I had to see pics and find out on Facebook. But I don’t deserve any other do I? Not being supportive throughout their pregnancy, seeing them and going to see their new home and nursery.

I have messaged him to what I think are the right words to say.

Seeing the happiness of family holding the precious baby girl, seeing how precious and delicate she is has just made me want to cry. But nothing has come out. I feel numb almost. Part of me wants to go and cuddle her but will that make me worse?

It’s going to take a few days to set in I think and I said to my husband tonight- “That May be us this time next year!”

After my post today I’ve had a little chat tonight about our plans in the future if we don’t have kids. His plans are different to mine to the point I had to say “Well if we can’t agree then maybe we do go our separate ways!”

I can’t believe I’m writing it off before we have even started. But the truth is I can’t live this life forever.

I ended the conversation with saying this is all so raw and so far away to even think about and I think we need to just forget all this until we hit that bloody brick wall.

I am seriously praying for a miracle- not a natural one but a scientific one at least 🌈.

I just can’t be positive all of the time 😥

[Katbaby19]

Pm'd you hun xx

[Hidden]

Awwww Hun those words become like water bouncing off water....

Although they are the hardest words to deal with when you are looking for what some people find so easy and what should have been our given natural process it’d never ever ever easy.

Take time to look after yourself don’t make any rash decisions no one expects you to be strong all the time a WARRIOR also needs a break .

Breath breath breathe... things will seem a little better once you just breathe and reset.

I am number 8 now and have decided it’s this or not part of my story.

Massive hugs hun

[hannahding]

Hey, I can understand how hard this all must be for you. However, stay strong! You are a strong person! I am sure you will fight through this. Keep your hopes. All the prayers are with you. Sending baby dust your way.

[LunaLovegood11]

Ah it hurts so much when we see others having the joy we want so badly.

Take some time to look after yourself, it’s totally acceptable to remove yourself from situations that upset you.

I thought I’d struggle seeing a friends baby but it was nice, perhaps you could see how it makes you feel? Xxx

[precioce]

I always struggled with other people's pregnancies but when the baby came along I could never begrudge them their little place in this world and I found it easier then. You have started making steps towards this so maybe you already know the answer here?xx

[3005]

You've just described my current situation. My husbands cousin who is also like a brother to him, his girlfriend has just been induced so I am dreading the news. I'm pretty certain it will be today because today is our Anniversary so why not eh!

I am struggling with his family accepting what we are going through as they are are excited about the new baby and we have just found out his other cousins girlfriend is expecting... yeah more baby stuff. Its put a massive strain on us which I never thought it would so I spoke to my therapist this morning and she told me to stop being so hard on myself, I'm grieving and there's a process to that and until I feel ready to face babies and the family talking about babies then I just need to politely say sorry I'm just not strong enough to face that right now.

I guess what I am saying is, give it time and hopefully you will feel strong enough to get that relationship with your cousin back and the strength to be with them and be happy.

Also, I read that when trying for a baby hold all the babies you can and visualise you holding your own one day... easier said than done but you never know!

Hope you're ok, big hugs (they help) xxx

[charlotteo86]

I know exactly how you feel - everyone around me is pregnant. All three of my bridesmaids who all got married much later than me are pregnant, my sister-in-law is due any day and another friend of mine has just announced she's pregnant with her second child. It's horrendous because I get so upset when I hear the news of each person being pregnant and then also feel awful that my first reaction to such lovely news about my closest friends is sadness. So far one of my friends has had her baby and I was nervous about going round to see him. But seeing him was wonderful - when this little bundle of happiness and cuteness was put in my arms I couldn't feel anything but love and happiness for him. For me, at least, people being pregnant is more difficult. When I met the little baby, I couldn't help but be happy. If you give yourself a few days, that might be the way it goes for you as well. Sending love x

[AnnieMac123]

Ur are so right. U can't b positive all of the time. It's impossible. From my own experience, it becomes so draining day after day putting on a brave face for everyone else and trying not to upset the people closest to us. But the only advise I can give would be to keep talking to ur partner.. things can be said which aren't meant when we are upset and he may well b feeling upset himself with the birth of this little girl...don't make any rash decisions in the heat of the moment. It will be difficult for you to go visit your cousin and you may feel down for the next little while but it can sometimes be a positive thing to spend time with babies .. it can charge up your hormones and it can center you again to focus on how you want things to happen in your own life going forward. Good luck with everything n know how ur feeling is a mirror image of lots of women on this site and it's all perfectly normal to feel down some days.

[Elynn]

You are grieving and grief is unpredictable. You've got a good relationship with your family and lm sure they are hurting for you. It's a hard situation to be in. No one knows how to handle this. Your pain is crushing your heart, dont push your hubby away. Fight the problem not each other Go love on that family when you are ready. Things can change in the blink of an eye. Soon be your turn 🌻

[akpenev3]

Congratulations.. enjoy motherhood and best wishes.

[PurpleLove19 in reply to akpenev3]

I wish hun

[Hidden in reply to akpenev3]

Not a very appropriate comment, suggest you read the post before replying in future, to save any upset x

[Seha04]

I can relate to all your stories and they’re similar to mine. Yes, it’s really hard to put on a brave face but have a broken heart. Pray that all of us will have our miracle 👶 some day.

[Hidden]

My cousin had her baby in April I hadnt purposely seen her for months because she was pregnant and I was too emotional I had lost 2 babies during her pregnancy. I waited 2 weeks after to go see her with my friend and I was totally fine everything I thought I'd feel was gone I go see her regularly now and baby is a peach x I dont know why but seeing her is like therapy for me I come away feeling so much better about myself I thought it would be the opposite.

[Lorita1984]

I want to send you a hug. Please be strong and never give up on your dream. I know how it feels and many times no one understands. I hope your little miracle will arrive soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[S_asha]

No one can be positive all the time it's impossible. Hoping you're having a better day today or will do soon xx