Who do you talk to?

[Tigr]

Hi all,

I wanted to ask you who around you knows about your fertility journey and who do you talk to when you feel stressed?

[Glasgow1981]

I talk to my cousin, she lost a baby at 28 weeks and knows how it feels to be worried constantly when you are lucky enough to have a second chance. My parents know and my DH has told his brother so he has someone to talk to.

[Jonesjp]

Hi hunny, generally my sister, my mum and my best friend, but other than that no one else knows. Ironically both my sister and best friend are pregnant at the moment which can be tough, but I’m also really pleased for them as I wouldn’t wish infertility on my worst enemy! X x

[CatDV]

I am one of the secretive ones...

Only my husband and I know.

It has its disadvantages sometimes, but deep inside I know this is the right choice for us.

[Tugsgirl]

All of my close friends and family and even Facebook “friends” but I tend to stick to opening up my heart to my Hubby as he’s my best friend and understands more than anyone. And then there’s here - it’s been a lifesaver at times xx

[destiny121]

I only spoke to my mum and partner and my brother knows bits but not everything .

[Miamiller]

I’m lucky I have my best friend went through ivf couple of years ago so she is great to talk to. Also my mum sister and husband. Work has been great as well. But still get stressed and currently signed off work for couple of weeks due to a Monday morning melt down. It’s hard even when you have all the people in the world to talk with so just do what’s right for you when feeling stressed xx

[Tigr]

Thank you for all your answers! I am trying to find a compromise somehow for my husband (very private) and me (feels need to talk). Maybe I ask him to name one person that he is the least uncomfortable with to know about it and I can talk to them if I need to talk to someone other than him. Also, how do you avoid that the baby things are taking over your relationship completely? I have the feeling that if I just talk to the husband, they do (I worry quite a lot) and it upsets him if it takes over life.

[Kitcat12 in reply to Tigr]

Oh bless you, I could have written your post. My partner is very private and I'm very much a chatterbox type who needs lots of support from friends. We suffered a MC following our first ICSI and I really struggled with this because I hadn't been talking to anybody about our treatment and nobody even knew I was pregnant. So when I lost the pregnancy I had a breakdown because I had kept everything in. I really hope you can come to some sort of compromise with your husband, as going through treatment with no support from friends or family is so so tough. All the luck in the world to you x

[Fingerscrossed34]

I know how you feel. Men cope so differently with these things but he should understand you need someone to speak to as much as he needs to not talk to people. I found my husband was more comfortable opening up further down the line so he may also change how he feels. Use the forum too and read other people’s posts you are very much not alone. I think sometimes the baby stuff takes over life and that’s just how it is and sometimes you can find other distractions or manage for it not to be all about the baby stuff. Just need to ride it all out and know it’s something your feelings are probably going to change about over and over again and that’s perfectly ok. x

[Hidden]

I talk to my best friend mostly but tbh I don’t mind talking about my miscarriages and where were at but nobody really asks too much anyway either not interested or feels awkward.

[kirstyblue]

When I was going through it, I always turnt to my partner and my family. I told a couple friends as I felt I couldn’t hide it but tbh wish I never because it was constant questions x

[Ruby92]

Totally understand your situation! We’ve been TTC for 1.5 years and I’ve only just convinced my partner to tell work. This has meant he’s missed some hospital appointments or came late or shot off soon after to get back to work and I found that so hard. He’s now eventually told one friend and admitted it made him feel better after being adamant he won’t tell anyone. I am also a secretive one and I only talk to one friend, occasionally my boss and my partner about it. Although I don’t want to talk with lots of people admittedly at times I’ve felt like I’m almost suffering in silence when no one knows what’s going on. It’s a really hard one actually and glad you’ve asked the question and had loads of responses. I’ve found the ladies on here an amazing support and just reading posts or chatting on here makes a huge difference to me. Diane is amazing also xx

[May37]

I've kept it to brother,sister a few close friends. Had to tell my boss due to time off. Its a mixed blessing,hard at work behaving normally after found out it didn't work,when nobody knows about it,but they can see you're upset over something.

[Scarlett13]

I talk to my family, my partner’s family, all my friends, all my colleagues and everyone on here! X

[PurpleLove19]

I talk to everyone! Apart from my dad- he finds it difficult to understand and hates seeing me upset so he’s the one I talk about “normal” things with.

My mum and Nan have been my massive rocks as they have been with me every step of the way. Even when I started trying two years ago they knew as I am just the sort of person to off load their feelings.

My sister-in- law announced she was pregnant when we had just started trying and I did a test that day that was obviously negative. So her coming round that day to announce it just made me realise how much I wanted it. I got so upset the moment she left I went to my nans and cried- A lot!

I felt all happy that we had decided to start trying and it was our secret and I wanted it to be a massive surprise for everyone and I felt she came in and ruined it. It wasn’t her fault but that’s how it felt. I remember feeling very pressured then, I felt I needed to fall pregnant quick so we could go through it together and so I didn’t feel upset at her baby shower.

That’s all water under he bridge now and we are on or journey now and the fact all his family know and mine just makes it easier for us to avoid situations that we aren’t comfortable in like baby showers, baby parties, any sort of party or gathering.

My husband and I are very similar now. It used to be me that stressed and he would tell me off but now we know what the issue is he feels it just as me if not more some days. So if I don’t want to socialise and pretend we are okay we don’t go it’s that simple and people who know and care won’t ask why.

I think that’s why I like that people know.

My bestie is another and she’s currently trying and having no luck so she understands how I feel and she off loads to me when Mother Nature knocks! But I am waiting for the day she does fall pregnant and then dealing with that will be a massive test for me.

I’ve definitely regretted telling some people though, people who I thought were friends. You see people’s true colours when you go through something like this.

Everyone’s different but for me close besties and close family. Obviously work too so you can book appointments.

Xxxxx

[3005]

I made close family and a few friends aware we were having treatment but politely asked not to be asked questions about it and that if we had news or wanted to talk we would. Put me in control of when I wanted to talk about it, plus I felt I had to tell them because I was in a dark place and everyone just thought I was a miserable cow.

As for the husband he was very secretive in the beginning but I think he has opened up a little too, he told a couple of friends which helped him I don’t think they don’t talk about it, I think just knowing they know makes him feel better.

One thing my counsellor suggested was to allocate an hour each week to talk with your husband about it all and when you think “I wonder what he thinks about that” write it down and ask it in that allocated hour. I think I lot of men switch off from it when not at appointments and don’t like to talk about it randomly so maybe having an “appointment” where you discuss things might work for you too.

[Arya10]

I had a few friends I had told and used to talk to about it with them, but they all then got pregnant and have had babies now and I don’t feel I can talk to them anymore. Both sets of our parents know and they used to ask about it, but it’s been so long trying now they don’t even really ask anymore. I’ve still got a couple of friends who know roughly, but they don’t ask about it unless I bring it up for some reason. DH didn’t tell anyone, but a group of his friends found out accidentally, he still doesn’t want to talk to them about it.