not willing to go on holiday

[Clementinedam]

My husband's family got this wonderful idea of organising a family reunion in the Alpes. This translate in spending 4 days with young happy families and pregnants sisters-in-law which, as my husband, like to say, where smart enough not too delay too much having children ( I have premature ovarian failure). We will be living in a small apartment, it will be about kids growing up and due dates. Also, his family is probably uncomfortable having me given that my issues might shadow their happiness. I am really trying hard not too go, then my husband says that it is not normal not willing to spend time with family and not willing to go to holiday and that I have psychological trouble and that I should get counselling. Everything was going well, I sort of had found equilibrium and so hope and this compulsory holiday plan made it all difficult again. I am sad.

[Kempton]

Really sorry you feel so sad. And it's a shame your husband is being a bit more sensitive. Do you think you'd benefit from speaking to a counsellor? It's great you'd reached a sense of equilibrium yourself but sounds like this is having a big impact on you.

You shouldn't have to go on thud holiday if it affects your mental state so much. Can you find a way of explaining this to your partner?

[Clementinedam in reply to Kempton]

Thanks for your feedback. I will try to speak to someone. I am trying to explain it to my partner but he doesn’t want to hear anything. Have a good day and thanks for generously providing advice.

[Novice_knitter]

Hey, sorry to hear this. You’re not alone in this boat. Counselling can be really helpful when you’re struggling to engage in things you’d like to do because of fertility stuff (I had a course of it last year).

Part of what I discovered during counselling though, was to trust my feelings on being in certain situations. It might be that this trip doesn’t work for you right now, it’s not that you’re saying it’ll never work in the future (as a way of reassuring your hubby). Sounds to me like you know what you need at the moment and don’t be afraid to trust that feeling. The main question is, would going on this trip add value to your life right now?

Do what’s best for you Hun, I hope this helps and I hope your hubby can try to understand your feelings on this. Good luck Xxx

[Clementinedam in reply to Novice_knitter]

Many thanks for your constructive advice. Sometimes I feel strong enough to deal with it and sometimes the idea really makes me sick. Thanks for understanding, it helps.

[Anya80]

I feel for you. Why don’t you tell straight what you are afraid off? I had once such argument on early days of TTC and everyone had families and kids and we were about to attempt next round of medical help with TTC but due to us planing some visit with my husband wanting stay longer with his brother kids I eventually burst in argument with him even saying that I’m not going to look after others kids if I don’t have my own and I’m tired! I’m not proud of it and since then lots of changed to me and how I did take life and world and the fact that life is going on despite my issues. But

I think I was allowed to say loud that I needed time for myself and that at that time I didn’t care of others life kids etc why not to get it out of your chest! I know my hubby was not impressed hearing what he heard but he understood me, he gone the similar vent at some point. Then we became bit relaxed about TTC I was focused on myself more and didn’t bother with others having this or this, I stopped thinking about others as this was not my life but theirs and who said their life’s are perfect they might also hid some facts which we not aware, basically learnt that everyone have some issues in life.

Counselling is good but maybe not for everyone. I’ve managed to help myself with my issues.

Do whatever is right to you, shout if needed but don’t get your issues change yourself a lot so you became bitter and bitter with life. I think then life it’s more difficult to cope xxx

[Clementinedam in reply to Anya80]

Hi Anya and thanks for sharing your experience. The difficulty is that 'extended family holiday' has become this new concept since my sister in law has got kids. Before, we where just going separately on holiday. I think that it is a classic phenomenon for young family, to start embracing the concept of family again. So the moment, I am the less ready for it, the more it happens. My husband is the godfather so she is trying very hard to enhance and multiply interactions.

[TheaFX]

I completely feel how you feel, it’s perfectly natural, even if not wholly desirable! Studies have shown that infertility affects people psychologically similarly to those who have cancer, sadly - it’s a deeply traumatic time in so many ways. My reactions to people with children, pregnant people, families etc varies wildly depending on the people and how strong I’m feeling. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. Some I can cope with and have a nice time giving mum a ‘break’, whereas others I have completely distanced myself from. This is a marathon, not a sprint - and if you can save a little bit of yourself by not going and keeping sane, then do try and do that. A holiday is different to a visit - it can be stressful at the best of times when in a confined space with others! I don’t have any magic answers, but sending lots of love xxx

[Clementinedam in reply to TheaFX]

Thanks Thea. My fear is that this experience will mostly create bad memories with my in-laws rather then good ones and god knows, it is so important to care about relationships and build good memories with your extended family. This also is a marathon!

Thanks so much for sharing and helping. btw, we have read the same article published by Harvard Medical School. To use a simple metaphore: sometimes I fell like it is as if I had a liver cancer and that my family invites me for a binge drinking holiday and force me to drink. I feel these situation can really poisonous for my mental health and I need time to recover.

[Arya10]

I think your husband is being totally unreasonable and insensitive! It is completely normal to be feeling the way you are given the circumstances. There is no way I would go, personally, i would find it incredibly painful to be around kids and pregnancies - particularly in such a tight situation where you can’t get away for some space. Like Novice_knitter says, it’s not that you will always feel this way, it is temporary. I suggest your husband does some reading about the emotional impact of infertility to gain some understanding. hugs to you, trust your gut xx

[Clementinedam in reply to Arya10]

Thanks Arya. Unfortunately, I will have to go. I have no choice and this is what makes it worse and I feel trapped. My husband did the reading but resist in developing any empathy. He says that he doesn't want me to distance myself from his family. Thanks for your support thought it help knowing that I am not totally crazy...

[CC2018]

My mother in law wanted us all to stay at theirs for Christmas a couple of years ago after we'd been trying for about a year and had started going through tests. My husband's younger sister decided to announce their pregnancy- they'd only been trying about 3 months. It ruined my Christmas as the entire time was spent talking babies and what to get- his older sister already had a 2 year old daughter so was giving advice. I pretty much avoided my sister in law for her entire pregnancy- didn't go to her baby shower, avoided family get together as we were still not pregnant and going through testing and more friends and family announced surprise pregnancies and I couldn't take it so pretty much isolated myself until we got our ivf treatment which has fortunately worked. I don't think I met my nephew until he was well over a year old. My husband asked me to seek help but I couldn't get over how unfair life was especially as they couldn't find anything wrong with us. I'll be the first to admit I was depressed and in the end I started going to acupuncture and thanks who does it for me also had issues conceiving so she kind of became my personal councillor. I appreciate it was difficult for my husband but they don't understand the emotional side of it all. I explained to him how I felt when in the end he sort of got it but not being a woman he couldn't empathise because he doesn't get the hormonal surges like we do to have children. I hope your husband us a bit more sensitive and maybe you could explain that the situation would make you uncomfortable and actually could make your emotional state worse. Don't be forced into situations you aren't comfortable with xx