Hello world... you there?

[damdepression]

This is my first post, more of a "venting" I guess. I just feel like I need to get these thoughts out! Im not looking for sympathy, or pity- idk maybe I am? I don't know what I want anymore, I don't know who I am really.

I lost my son during delivery in 2008, then I had a Daughter in 2010. I was divorced by 2011 and my Ex Husband took my Daughter. I was a good Mom- I was still grieving my Son but I was a good Mom.. As the years go by I still haven't seen my Daughter, and I am getting so depressed. I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone.. I don't answer my phone, and I hate going in Public. I am so embarrassed and ashamed that any of this happened and I feel like if someone is given the chance to ask "how I am doing", even in the most casual way- I think I will have a breakdown! I am not okay, so sad I cry all day. Its been 10+ friggin years- I want the pain to go away, and I want to be happy again. I avoided Christmas this year, all Bdays and Holidays- I just stay in bed all the time. I can't even fake it anymore. My eyes are constantly swollen and I look like shit. I have ripped my hair out so now I have to glue stupid tracks on my head, which then gives me more anxiety to go in public- I mean really, how stupid does that look!

I don't know where to begin with healing... I miss my Babies, when I see or hear anything that reminds me of mine I cry- I tried going on a "Remembrance Walk" a while back but couldn't get myself to get out of the car.

I guess I want to know if there are other people that are, or have gone through anything like this- in my head I am flying solo!

Thanks for reading- I will get better, next time I write I won't be so boohoo, I swear!

[Sweets1]

Oh I’m so sorry that you are feeling like this , and for everything that happened to you. Vent away on here, that’s what we are here for. I’m not sure I can offer much advice,but, have you tried speaking to someone - gp? Or tried counseling or spoken to a close friend or family member? I’m so sorry for your loss xxx

[Hidden]

Wow damdepression you are so strong and you have been through so much. No wonder you have reacted in the way you have. It's so understandable. You have to find help clearly. Have you spoken with your gp or a local counsellor? Or perhaps there will be a local help group?

Big hugs lovely xxx

[damdepression]

Thank you for the support. I really don't have anyone to talk to. All my friends I had haven't really talked to me after Lincoln (son) died. I don't think anyone knew what to say and they were all having babies at the same time.. My entire world collapsed that day and destroyed when my EX took my Daughter. I am going to look into a group, I think I am ready.

[Drives]

I'm so sorry to read your story. It's truly heart breaking and can't even begin to imagine what you've been through.

Opening up on the forum is a really good first step, I hope it has provided a little relief. I would really recommend speaking to your GP, they should be able to help you find a good support group or refer you for counselling.

Sending you lots of love and strength 💕

[Elvia33P]

Hi!

This is a really heartbreaking story. I just wanted to share the love and support you. You are indeed really strong. Going through so many hardships. I think you should find someone to talk to, let it be a counselor or a friend. Just go for a 10-hour talk, just so you can get better. A person with the right knowledge and experience can help anyone.

And you can also start your healing here. Find the right community for you and do not be afraid to be as honest as you need to!

xx

[hifer]

Hi there, sorry to hear your story. How awful for you. I would definitely recommend counselling. As has been recommended, your Doctor will be able to help you out with that one. They may be able to help you out with some medication too, if you feel like you need that in the short term. You don't mention visitation rights for your daughter. Is there no way that you could still see her even though she no longer lives with you? Is that possible? Wishing you all the very best xx

[Hidden]

Hey hun

I rarely post in here but saw your story.

The fact that you are still here and fighting eve though it doesn’t feel that way shows jut how strong you are. NEVER LET anyone take away who you are. Consulting sounds like a good shout as we all need to vent at some point, hows about starting the day and taking it 1 minute st a time, get up, shower, put in something you are comfortable in, do the house work, then sit and take 5 mins to yourself over a cuppa. That’s day 1 and everyday maybe do something that adds to the day before....

If you are still grieving contact SANDS there are wonderful x

[hannahding]

I am really sorry to read this. I can understand how difficult this must be for you. It is really important for you to vent. Speak as that will make you feel better. Visit a therapist as well. Also, I would suggest visiting your lawyer in relation to your daughter. I hope things better. Learn to self love.

[DorisBunton]

I feel so bad for you. But trust me you have come to the right place. Therapy is a great way to get through this. I think you should fight for it. You can also take this matter in court and maybe that can help your case. Just stay strong, and don't give up. Good luck!

[damdepression]

I know I said last post that I wouldn’t be Boohooing this time but it just gets worse - after my first post I lost all movement in my left arm, and after several days in the hospital they came to the conclusion I have Fibromuscular Dysplasia in my Cerebral Arteries with multiple aneurysms and blood clots in my brain. … since the diagnosis my arm has regained movement and my anxiety with a side of depression has gotten worse!

Yuck. Does anyone else have this Fibromuscular Dysplasia in Cerebral? And we’re you able to get treatment? My doctors told me there’s nothing they can do. . That’s not good enough for me!

[Hidden]

Sorry you are struggling. This forum is for women struggling to conceive so there may not be many who can help or give advice but you might find other forums on HealthUnlocked specifically for that condition maybe? Hope you find the support you need x

[damdepression in reply to Hidden]

I don’t know how I ended up on this feed, My apologies if I don’t fit in this circle of having a hard time trying to conceive, I have suffered the lost a child, but I guess that still wouldn’t put me in this feed , I won’t write here anymore. I’m sorry for your struggles.

[Hidden in reply to damdepression]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please don’t stop posting in here - you are welcome to continue - everyone’s welcome here - I was just concerned you might not get the help you need and there may be other forums with more people with your condition

[damdepression in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I understand what you were saying and appreciate you taking the time to explain to me where I might get better advise and help.

We all have a struggles we are dealing with- for me, I just need anyone to listen while I vent and ramble I guess. I also like to read all posts from people to see what others deal with and how they overcome their battles. .I think all pain is different but at the same time No ones pain is worse than anyone else’s. Idk If that made any sense.

Have a great day! .

[Patient-]

Bless you, I hope you gain the support and strength you need to push through 2022!! Although I’ve not experienced anything like this, I do know that talking helps it’s evident from your post that you love your children, nothing will take that feeling away

There is no shame in feeling upset or down, would love for you to share memories of your daughter or speak of what personality your son may have had with friends and family, I really would like you to say “I’m not comfortable with that” or “that does not sit well with me” when faced with harder situations

hope this helps, You have been on such a journey but please don’t feel alone or discouraged