Fertility Network UK
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giving up

posted earlier and it didn't work..seems I can't even post properly either. so after two dodgy abnormal smears a miscarriage and 4 years ttc including 3 fresh cycles and 2 fets..seems we will never be reunited with our last embryo...a 41st birthday looming and I feel I am done. so upset 😢gp and nhs came to a deal end..wait another 6 months for another smear then a colposcopy if still abnormal and our clinic won't do fet until clear smear..can't progress with adoption either with all this so limbo..nothing. .nada and right now the rears are streaming down my face and I can't bear seeing a child or any friend with children..I am so fed up , broken and just done in..didn't know where to turn..sorry for pity party but think I am done now with all this..only so much one person can take and our bad luck just keeps coming..going to take all my stupid wee things I have bought over years down..like follow your dreams etc..all rubbish tbh..just have to get on with life now as this whole crap has me broken..thanks all for the support sadly ours is not a happy ending..off to cry myself to sleep 😢😢😢much love to you all xxxx

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Awwww F sakes Vic! Totally gutted that you are feeling so low! It's not a pity party at all, you're having a hellish time....even if it is so bloody what!?! I have no words, advice on how to get through the standstill. It's heart breaking to hear you say this but I do have a little understanding in the fact you feel done......we both felt done in at times too. Don't rule anything out honey. I was so fed up being stuck in limbo this year. Give me a shout if you want a chat or even a meet up! Much love you you & hubby!!xxxx

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thanks so much hun..I just might take u up on that..how did you cope with the limbo? xxx

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I'm not sure if I so much coped....suffered it felt like. It's horrible not being able to move on. I guess I just dragged my backside through that time & allowed myself to drink gin guilt free, eat what I wanted & had a few weekends away so I had something to look forward to. Would the clinic allow you to have a private smear sooner? Did you think about trying the aloe Vera capsules....it helped me get my hpv gone after treatment. It was the colposcopy nurse that recommended it to me. Even if you do need treatment the Drs in Scotland are pretty good st advising cold coagulation over lletz if you haven't had kids (lletz can increase miscarriage rate), if they don't then you suggest it!! That's what I had, not gonna lie....its not pleasant but I've had good smears since! As you know I'm 41 too however your embryos are still the same age do hang onto that....though in saying that it wasn't of any great comfort to me!xxxx

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thanks so much for this..will get tablets today and be asking about that procedure if needed for sure..hope u doing ok xxx

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Well it's worth a shot....christ anything is and it's not expensive to try the capsules!! Lots of love, you know where I am if you need to rant, talk, cry....!😘xxxx

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right I am now the proud owner of masses of aloe vera tablets..buy get one half price 😂😂😂take it they ok with gin???😂😂😂xx

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Gin goes with everything so long as it's a large one!😜😂xx

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after this last week..your God dam right it is 😂xxx

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Oh vic am so sorry you are feeling like this. Xxx

Have you had a colposcopy prior to this? Ive had one and had CIN 3 but luckily they managed to get rid of it all by laser treatment.

I still have some hope even after 8 years.

Big hugs xx

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nhs won't refer for colposcopy till 3 abnormal smears 😡can go private but worried about colposcopy too as read that it can increase miscarriage later..ffs is there ever going to be good news 😢xxx

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Must be different rules for different areas. I got referred straight away after my dodgy smear. I was under that department until i had a clear smear test. Went to yearly.

They have never told me that it could cause miscarriage either which is a little worrying, as i had a miscarriage last December.

The only thing said to me by my midwife was that I would have to see a consultant and perhaps have a stitch.

I hope you get things sorted

Lots of love xx

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Just to reassure you, it's usually the surgical intervention that can increase rates for miscarriage....as in Lletz as it can shorten your cervix making it not so strong. You should be ok with laser treatment.xx

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I had both a colposcopy and a Lletz procedure done in 2013 after them finding some CIN 3 cells and (touch wood) so far so good with my ivf pregnancy, I am having my cervix checked at 20 weeks, but they didn’t seem concerned about an increased risk of miscarriage - hope that brings some reassurance! xx

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thank you both..very reassuring xxx

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Oh Vic. I hate to hear you talking like this 😞 I wish I had some answers for you or that I could wave a magic wand and make it all ok xx

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No no no. I am so sad to read just how sad and broken you feel right now. I really do hope that you find the strength from somewhere to continue. I am actually currently heading towards my 42nd birthday so totally understand how you feel. Sending you massive hugs xxx

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I just want to get on with life and so worry for hubby and I as this is all we have known since our wonderful wedding and now I can't even bring myself to look at our photos xxxx

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This isn’t the end Vic... life doesn’t end at 41 x

Salvage every last bit of pride and self-belief you have, and take this year to focus on your own health. The options will present themselves when you are ready and settled. Sending big hugs to you xxx

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thank you xxxx

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Life will go on. But for now cry, get angry, grieve for this time. I’m so sorry.

Life is just so cruel and seems to be even more cruel to good people for some reason.

Your health is so important so please take care.

Sending love and best wishes to you 💗

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It is not fair and luck should change at some point but It never seems to do so... It sucks....

I don't know what to say. Just that I believe we all are warriors and so strong that at the end of our lives these years and tears will just be a small spot in the whole of the journey and that we will be smiling back at life. And I am sure lots of people will smile with you and because of you.

All my good wishes and love xxx

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tears streaming down my face thank you for such kind words xxx

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Soo sorry you are in such pain. You've had a rough ride. Huge hugs.

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So sorry I Don't have the words to reassure you wish you weren't in this dark place I hope in some small way it comforts you to know that lots of people here really do care about you x

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it absolutely does..thank you so much xx

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I'm so so sorry that you feel this way but completely understand why you do.

What a journey, in simple terms it's just not fair.

I don't think it's a pitty party at all and I think many if not all people here will 100% get why you're so upset.

We put our lives on hold for a chance at having a family, we try to remain positive because we are all super warriors but we have and are entitled to days where we melt down and want to give up.

I don't have the words I'm afriad but I'll be thinking of you. ❤xx

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thank you so much for taking the time to reply xx

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Oh Vic I’m so sorry 😞 there really are no words, it is just heartbreaking xxx

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So sorry for how low you’re feeling, definitely not a pity party! I wish I had the right words but all I can say is I’m thinking of you and understand how difficult being in limbo is, I hope you find a way to move forward that’s right for you both xx

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Hey lady

One last shot... through the storm just may be a rainbow... we have all been kicked and bruised so much and the there are some that just have that luck am sure that after this shit storm that one last remaining embryo will be the one.

Take time to get it out your system but just think one last shot xxx

Massive 🤗

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Awwww I just want to give you a massive hug, totally get where you are coming from, you've been through so much and fought so hard.

I know how it feels to say ivf broke you, I'm on anti depressants and sleeping tablets as I'm constantly battling not to break down and cry every time I see a child. Don't be hard on yourself what your feeling is totally normal for what your going through.

Take one day at a time and tomorrow will take care of itself. Xx

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thanks hun xxx

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Oh Hun I'm so sorry your feeling like this. Sending big hugs. Xxx

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I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I do understand how frustrating the smear side is I was due my smear during the referral stages and so I had it done and continued with everything else. 4 weeks no answer so called my surgery and they gave me a number to call they went mad that my surgery had done that so advised they would contact my surgery to get them to call me back. Long story short I was left a message stating I had severe changes and need an urgent colposcopy which was more waiting. All was removed and treatment progressed 9 months later even though my smear was still borderline but with no hpv detected.

Big hugs to you both xxx

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my clinic won't do fet without clear smear eventhough borderline and no hpv 😢not like we can go anywhere else as it 1 frostie we have left xxx

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You are allowed to move Frosties to other clinics though. Just saying, in case it gives you a new avenue to look at. Obviously with a cost.

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very few clinic options here anyway and the only other one we didn't like xx

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😢

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I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. It's stressful enough dealing with an abnormal smear - I've been there myself - but I can't even comprehend trying to deal with it on top of everything else you've been through. It is a major setback but your health is paramount right now. I hope in 6 months time you will feel strong enough to use your frozen embie. Lots of love to you xx

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thank you xxx

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😢 it’s times like these that although I found it hard to conceive naturally I am definitely one of the lucky ones. Those of you who go through all these things are truly warriors. I really hope this is just a blip in the road (albeit an absolute pain in the ass) and that something will come your way whether it be your last embie or adoption x

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Ahhh I can feel the pain in your words and it’s so sad that this journey really can bring us to breaking point sometimes. So many people on here are thinking of you though and sending you strength and just know somehow you will come through the storm.

A few weeks ago when I was really struggling, a friend of mine made me text her each evening with one little positive from the day, it could be anything at all that was a good part of the day and before I knew it I was looking for positives to be able to tell her. It might sound silly and even though at first I was finding it hard to see the good in anything, now it’s much easier. Maybe we could do something like that on here?!

Good luck, one day you’ll get your rainbow 🌈 just hold tight and keep seeking support to get you through the difficult times xx

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What a lovely supportive friend. I feel so let down by mine over the years. I am really interested in positive psychology and often recommend stuff like gratitude exercises at my work..I never practice what I preach though..lovely idea xxxx

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I know what you mean, I’ve certainly lost touch with a lot of people over the years, it can be such an isolating journey.

If you get chance later send me a message or post on here a little thing that has happened today that was positive in some way (even if it’s just that the dog made you smile when he brought you a favourite toy!)

Maybe we can get others to join in and spread some positivity x

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I love that and will do..already laughing as we dog sitting another pals dog and my hubby was running all over the park picking up poo as one pooed so did another 😂💩💩💩💩I set this challenge to 7AVA too😂😂xxx

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right misses..challenge accepted and lots of positives today...started my new volunteer job today despite my panda eyes about helping elderly in community who are lonely by providing them space for a cuppa and chat and to meet my dog..loved it..met lovely wee lady and just knew I had made her week by just listening to her..then met my hubby and dog for a drink💜💜💜then face timed a good friend..now chilling with wine on sofa with my boys..lots to love. ..thank you so so much...now what's ur positive today??? 😂😉xxx

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I love this, these are amazing, it sounds like a lovely day and so inspiring to spend time with people who just need some company. I bet you really made a difference to them and with all that’s happening to you, to get out and help others is just amazing.

Some friends came round this evening and I found myself really laughing for the first time in ages. I almost forgot myself for a moment which doesn’t happen often when we’re so consumed by infertility and all that comes with it.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll put a post up and we can share some more positives? Anything that gives us all something nice to focus on must be a good thing?

Xx

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the charity is amazing. .and on my doorstep. I work with children so couldn't face volunteering with children too..I miss my gran still after she died over 15 years ago so I thought helping the elderly would be good and I love dogs so win win....a real belly laugh is always good for the soul..thank you for helping me focus on good things..will look out for your post 😁💜💜xxx

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It sounds so lovely and such a worthwhile thing to do. I lost my Nan last year too and she was such a wonderful person, I miss her and her wisdom so much!

I work with children too and have found it harder and harder lately, so I completely understand why you don’t want to commit to more! What is it you do?

I’ll post a bit later (just rushing out now). I hope you’re feeling a bit brighter today xx

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I’m so sad for you Vic and so sorry that you’re having to go through this. I just want you to know that you’re not alone in feeling sad today. It’s two weeks since our last cycle failed and I woke up this morning crying. We won’t do anymore cycles with my own eggs now and although donor eggs provide some hope of an alternative, I am still feeling very sad. I know it’s different to what you’re going through. You have been so brave and strong through this, look after yourself xxxxx

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So sorry you are feeling so low Vicky. This road is so hard sometimes. It’s ok to think you’ve had enough of it all too. You need to put yourself first and do whatever makes you and your body happy. I feel like I’ve got to the stage where enough is enough after our third failed cycle in August and generally crap embryos. Husband and I decided not to think or really talk about ivf for the next few months and it has really. Now I’m feeling a bit more normal I dread the thought of going through it again but time will tell if that’s what’s right for us. I hope you find out what’s best for you and hubby xxx

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Feel so very sad reading your post, I can feel your pain all the way through it and please don't think your words are a 'pity party' you are going through a huge amount at the moment and it's totally understandable to feel the way you do. Please don't think it's the end, eventually you will find the strength to get through this and carry on. Thinking of you x

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thanks for your kind words xxx

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😢😢😢

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So sorry for what going through hun. It understandable u feel this way. So hard this journey and feels so unfair.

It ok to feel how u are. Who knows what cud happen. Let’s hope it happens for u one day. Know we all here for u in a virtual way. Big hugs x

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Reading this has just broke my heart. 💔😢Awww Vicky I'm really so flipping sorry your going through such a hard time. Sending you warm hugs my love. This journey is so cruel to so many of us and it's always the nicest well deserved ppl that get the 💩end of the stick. Why!!!!

I wish I could do more to help you lovely, I'm so very sorry your feeling so rubbish and you've been dealt such a rubbish hand. I hope and pray you reach your goal one day like I do so many of you. You really don't deserve this headache. Bless you hun.

Sending hugs and lots of love.

😘😘💝💝

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awww thanks so much hun..you always been so supportive to me..hope you keeping well..can't be long now xxx

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I know it's hard hun. Try keep your chin up hate to see you like this. 😘💝💝

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Aw Vic, I’m so sorry that things are so awful right now. I know what it’s like to feel at the end of a dark tunnel with nothing that seems to light the way forward.

I hope that things start to look up soon and that you get some better news so that you can make a new plan.

Sending hugs xx

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thanks hun xxx

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Oh I am sorry. It is such a hard journey and when you get to the end without success it feels completely overwhelming! We were there last year. I can tell you I was at rock bottom. I was angry and sad. Over the months though I’ve come back and feel better as the months go on. I still get awfully sad days but there is life after. If you want to talk to a fellow lady who has closed the door, do please pm me. Sending you a big hug at such a tough time. xxx

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Oh Vic I’m so sorry this is just proper crap. I hope you can try and be kind to yourself and from what I read above anything is worth a shot sending lots of hugs and love 💕 xx

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Oh Vic 😢 let all those crap feelings out, cry as much as you want to, go for a walk somewhere remote and scream as loud and as long as you want (I’ve done this in the past) it’s far better to let all this build up out. 6 months will soon pass, and you really need it all to be right for when you do have your little one placed back, as much as that won’t ease your pain right now.

Xmas will soon be here, and before you know it so will March, I wish I had a magic wand to just sprinkle magic everywhere for us ladies. I really do get the how limbo thing, especially re adoption, we can’t go down that route till hubbys had his op, which could even be another year away yet.

Hoping you feel better in the coming weeks xxx

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So sorry to hear you're going through this.

I had a couple of dodgy smears a few years ago. I had to pay privately for a colposcopy and then a LLETZ as I'd just arrived in NZ and didn't qualify for medical treatment at the time. However, the first smear was in the UK and they were about to refer me to colposcopy but I was leaving the country.

The LLETZ was no problem and all smears since then have been normal. If there are abnormal cells then it seems that the only thing is to have them removed otherwise they will always show up on the smear. No doctor I've seen since then has said it should be any problem with pregnancy after the LLETZ and my current Obstetrician worries about everything!! The follow up colposcopy showed everything had healed.

I would try and push for colposcopy if I was you rather than having the stress of keep waiting.

x

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thank you..if you don't mind me asking..was the colposcopy and treatment expensive? xx

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I think the colposcopy was about £200. The LLETZ was about £700 I think. If you need that though surely you should get it on the nhs and there shouldn’t be a long waiting list. X

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thanks .nhs has been awful..their treatment after our miscarriage was awful resulting in us making a complaint and they wrote a huge apology letter for everything that went wrong..now every time I go to gp it a different gp and I have to retell my story..gp told me 3 abnormal smears before a colposcopy.at 6 months intervals..tI told them I didn't have that kind of time and I waited 2 months for the result this time..only when I broke down in tears did the gp make an urgent gynaecologist appointment for them to then knock me back saying 3 smear protocol..I have requested a 2nd opinion which meant going and seeing another gp..honestly I am so 0ver nhs right now that's why we thinking private which makes me mad xx

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I am so so sorry you are feeling this way ❤️❤️❤️ Really made me feel so emotional reading your post 😢 It is a battle and we get broken, but we can mend, because we have to. Keep strong. Sending you love and hugs xxx

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thanks hun xx

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I’m so sorry you’re feeling so broken by it all. I completely understand where you’re coming from - sometimes it just all feels absolutely hopeless. I turned 41 in July and also have complications due to endometriosis which I am on the waiting list to have surgery for. It feels like the IVF and the endo are fighting with each other - I have had to postpone IVF due to endo and equally had to postpone my operation due to IVF. I sometimes feel it’s all a massive waste of time and energy and has taken over my life. I can’t remember a time when I could just plan something and do it without having to work around either IVF treatment or agonising endo pain. After this mmc I am going to have a long hard think about what to do next, we’ve got 2 frosties left. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself xx

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that's it exactly..one thing battling another...I am so sorry you are in this place too😢I know what u mean about planning stuff too...my life feels like one huge ivf disappointment the past 3 years..sending you love xxx

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So sorry you are going through this and are stuck in limbo. Sending hugs and positivity.

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