I was once a carefree happy person with a lot of energy that just took things as they are. My husband told me once that this is what he loves most about my character.
After 1.5 years of failed treatments and shattered dreams and millions of tears, this is what I am: An unhappy bitter person just living from (failed) ovulation to (failed) ovulation with basal temperature and hormone levels as a central factor of life. I think this journey completely broke me and I am not even close to the person that I used and want to be! I am cryimg every day, cannot even remember when I smiled the last time and I sometimes even dont talk to people the whole day.
I admire every one of you, going through this much longer and still having hope.
I just want to be myself again, I just dont know how to get the power and mental strength.
Written by
sarahharas
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Hi Sarah, I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I completely understand how you feel. My husband and I have been going through fertility issues for nearly 12 years. I felt angry with EVERYONE and knew it was not OK. I think you may need to take a breather from treatments. Let your body heel. Enjoy life again. Put conceiving to the side for a moment. This journey is not only tough physically but mentally as well. You have to take care of yourself. I know it’s hard because you’ve lived and breathed conceiving.
We are on our last cycle of IVF and this time I’m taking up the option of counselling. Maybe you should look into that if you to help you cope?
Big hugs to you.
I couldn’t read this post without wanting to reach out to you.
I was nearly in tears reading how difficult your journey has been and I think we all here can relate to those feelings.
Going through infertility can feel very isolating and others around you don’t understand what you are going through this is why this site is such a lifeline . Although our diagnosis of infertility and treatment may differ we all understand the pain that infertility brings to you. I promise you the support you will get here will help and you won’t feel so alone.
I don’t know where you are in terms of treatment ( and that’s not my business unless you feel comfortable telling others) but I do know how difficult it is trying for a baby and like you I wish I could be the same person I was before this journey began.
My hubby and I have been TTC 7 years ; it took 5 years 10 months to diagnose the issue I have endometriosis. We fell last year first time in 6 years of TTC but miscarried. Since then I’ve had another 2 laparoscopys ( I’ve had 3 within 13 months to treat endo)
If you are really struggling counselling may help? It’s not a sign of weakness to need help I had some after I lost my baby. I was in a very low place.
I would advocate to try to do things for you; whatever that might be. Treat yourself 😏For me it’s a trip to the hairdressers 🙂 and try if you can to have time with your hubby ( with a ban on baby talk) a date night ; too much gets over shadowed in this journey.
And when it feels too much come on here and vent 😘 We all have days where you just wanna throw the towel in. But remember this bad days don’t last forever and tomorrow is a new day , that’s what I try to say to myself, yeah I know I’m bonkers 🤣🤣🤣 xoxo
Oh my dear saraharas. It’s horrible how this journey warps and damages us. I’m still in the throes of my journey so can’t comment on the long term (I’m sure there’s others on here who will though) but I do understand the feelings you write about. I too want to be “myself” again and have shared my concerns with my husband. Another lovely soul on this forum wrote a post referring to herself as “me 2.0” which really echoed with me. We are changed but are underlying it all we are the same person.
Sometimes it helps to take time out to look after yourself like Jess1981 above says about the hairdresser. What things did you really enjoy before fertility took over?
Also I’m seeing a psychologist now who specialises in fertility. Others also find counselling helpful. It’s nice to have a space to offload all the fertility crap for a power hour, it feels like it takes the weight off somehow.
Thank you all for your nice words. Reading this I feel even worse, as I am not really doing this since long, and can even closely imagine how you must feel after so many years.
I have been diagnosed with PCOS, although I suspect that nowadays most doctors say PCOS to almost every woman where they dont really know what it is (I absolutely do not fall into the typical spectrum and my testosterone levels are only borderline and not super high). I just dont ovulate at all, not even on very high doses of Clomid. But the clinic is a bit useless in this regard, as they are working with the "one size fits all" approach and they do not adjust anything for my needs, whatever these are...
I always try to do some nice and relaxing things in my free time, but the other problem is that I only moved here less than 2 years ago (I am not british) and moving to another country first obviously delayed intervention from the NHS and makes me sometimes even more lonely. I dont want to complain at all, I found friends and I love life here, on bad days it just makes everything worse.
I am considering counselling, I just really dont know how this works here and how to find a counselling service. I have an appointment at the clinic very soon and I will ask them if they offer something - you all reassured me. I am also doing accupunture treatments which help me a lot calming down and relax.
I love travelling, and I am just about to treat myself with a long holiday in Africa.
THank you all, you just give me so much hope and mental strength. Knowing that I am not alone and that all of you are doing an amazing job in not letting this break you. And even writing this is giving me so much relief - I always try to talk to my husband and some few friends, however I do have the feeling that they just dont really understand my feelings and well-meant tips like "just dont be stressed" are not making it any better.
Hi sarahharas- it’s a really tough journey and it’s good to share your feelings. Your clinic should have a counsellor attached to it but it’s worth checking how many sessions are offered. Your GP should be able to direct or refer you to a counsellor on the NHS. If you are able to afford a private counsellor-have a look at the British Psychological Society or UKCP website and you can search for a local counsellor and some may have a special interest in fertility. Good luck. Be kind to yourself; don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. Xxx
I feel for you - it is such a hard journey and so frustrsting with no diagnosis.
I can relate to being isolated and frustrated going through this process.
Try counselling so that you can talk about how you are feeling.
Have an amazing trip to Africa and hope this helps you get back to your old self.
Write your feelings on this forum anytime as people are so supportive and help offering solutions and ideas.
Hi sarahharas I am so sorry that you feel like you are not you, I too went through this/ still have moments of this. I was on Clomid for 6 cycles and I can honestly say it changed me, it effected every part of me and made me feel horrendous both mentally and physically. It wasn't until I spoke to someone about it that I realised a lot of what I was feeling was out of my control because of the effects of the medication. I thought I was going mad. I had a 3 month break before starting a different treatment and it was like a veil lifted. Life is still pretty pants in many ways but mentally I am refreshed and feel able to start the next steps. Don't compare your time to others we are all on a journey and have different start points and end points. Its all painful in many ways. Our fertility clinic has a counselling service that can be accessed so I would try your clinic/ hospital first. In terms of support from friends and family I think its as hard for them as it is for us, to be honest it doesn't matter what anyone says to me (unless they are part of the club) it will always be wrong. I wish you love and luck going forward. Your not alone x
Hi. Your post really resonated with me. This is how I felt last year. Contrary to how many of the ladies manage to go on and continue to fight for their future dream, I made the decision to fight for my present. I talked with my hubby and explained that I felt I had lost myself and I just couldn’t go on feeling this way. I wanted to enjoy our marriage and our time together now. We talked about being able to retire early and have an amazing older life so that when our peers are stressing about paying university fees, having kids still living at home etc we can be enjoying holidays, weekend breaks and time to ourselves. It’s a year on now and I feel so much better. I can’t tell you that I never feel sad that we haven’t created a family together because that isn’t true but I can tell you that I am happy. I am me again. We laugh again and life is not so serious any more and this is whilst my mother in law is battling terminal cancer. My hope is that we will continue to find joy and strength in each other to continue building a beautiful life together. I thought sharing how we made the decision to close the door on ttc might offer a different view for you. Most of all, I wanted to tell you that I’m ok. I survived and I have happiness and joy in my life. Whatever you decide, I hope you find your joy. We all deserve it whichever path we choose to take or are sent down. All the best in searching for your joy. xxx
THank you so much. Your answer really made me think a lot over the weekend. You are absolutely right. When I am feeling really down, my husband reminds me that he married me, because of me and not of the option to have children - I tend to forget that. I am feeling happy for you and your choice, we definitely should not lose ourselves in ttc as this will also not make us happy in the long-term.
No probs. My hubby and I had similar conversations and he often said he was worried he wasn’t enough for me. This was so far from what I really felt. My marriage was always the most important thing to me and so that also helped me make my decision. In making a decision, I also regained control which I think also offered me peace in a way. All I can say is head down the path that feels right for you. There is no right or wrong path; only the one that you feel most comfortable travelling. It may not have been your first choice but it may offer another experience which will enhance your life in other ways. xxx
Oh dear. You sound like the type of person i am. I managed to not lose myself when i started with treatment towards end of 2016.i would cry and breakdowm when i was at home but to the outside I appeared brave. I still did my usual activities and when i needed to be alone I stayed at home pampering myself .i prayed alot too.4 cycles later ,I have a baby boy born less than two weeks ago. Don't give up. It's hard but totally worth it. Take breaks when you need to. Do your favourite things. And just always remind yourself why you are doing this. And always remember you have this forum to turn to. I wish you the very best.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Over a year of trying and wanting to give up :( In desperate need of advice!!
Who have I become??
What do i say? 
Failed to conceive again
I don’t know what to do 😩
