Advice needed x

[CBOO1]

I know I’m being selfish, unfair, nasty & a lot of other negative things but I’m struggling & could do with some help!!!!

I’m pretty sure the baby news at work is about to come Out as her bump is beginning to show & it’s sent me into a major panic, (I realise this isn’t about me!!) but I’m not ready, I haven’t got a brave face prepared or a voice that isn’t going to crack every time someone talks to me about it!! I haven’t had any counselling yet due to my doctor being useless so any tips on how to cope with this would be amazing!

Thank you xx

[Veekay80]

Hiya, I was going through the exact same thing, I went through a failed IVF and 3 rounds of IUI and struggled for years getting pregnant, when I failed my 1sr round of ivf I went back to work where a colleagues wife was pregnant and he talked about it all the time and as I work in a predominantly female office all the other women were excited for him too and would arrange games like guess if it’s a boy or girl how much will it weigh etc. I really couldn’t deal with it. But then I heard something, I think it was a councillor in a support group who said that negative thoughts should have no place in your mind, it’s fine to acknowledge them but if they don’t serve you and makes the situation worse, then create positives thoughts instead of fearing things and getting stressed about it, try turning it into a positive and say things to yourself like,that will be me soon, I will be doing the same thing soon, I can’t wait to do these things. I know it’s easier said then done but I started doing this and it transformed my outlook. Whenever I saw a pregnant lady instead of feeling envy I said to myself, that will be me soon, and It would instantly make me feel better, when I see families I think yay that will be me soon. Try it if you can. I know it’s difficult but as soon as I changed my pattern of thought my mind state changed too and I became a lot happier and coping better with these situations. Good luck on your journey xx

[Drives]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're not a selfish or nasty person for having these feelings. This journey is incredibly emotional and difficult and I can sympathise with what you're going through. My sister and best friend have just had babies and I've found it really hard. My coping strategy - acknowledging this is hard and talking it through with my husband but not dwelling on it. By reminding myself this will happen to me and visualising the family I so long for. It's easier said then done but that's what's keeping me going! Will be thinking of you x

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

Have you considered telling your colleagues about your struggles? It’s how I have coped- I’ve been really open. I know the lady who is pregnant already knows, but do your colleagues? It gives you the option then of saying “I’m so pleased for her but I find it hard because we have been having a tough time with infertility” which can help you to close conversations down if necessary. Most people then will be sensitive about discussing it around you.

The other thing which I always remind myself of, and I’m sharing because a friend has said it really helped her to deal with a friend’s pregnancy, is that I don’t want their babies, I want my own. The world is not going to be a better place for me or anyone else if no one else has babies either. Sometimes this would go through my head like a mantra- i would be silently chanting it to myself whilst baby talk went on around me. It helped me to pretend to be pleased for them.

Stop being hard on yourself, it’s normal to feel negative about this. You’re not a bad person, you wouldn’t really wish the pain you are going through on anyone else. You are stronger than you think and you will cope.

[Hidden]

I agree with Drives Hun, don't be so hard on yourself. I've felt exactly the same as you in the past & then felt bad that I wasn't feeling really happy for people around me who announced their pregnancies. All it did was make me feel down about myself & think maybe I didn't actually deserve a baby. Anything else we desire in life ( within reason) is obtainable through hard work over time but even with the best treatment in the World there is no guarantee of a baby for us struggling with infertility or fertility issues & that's the killer. I then realised I wasn't actually jealous of people having babies just so frustrated & I wasn't having my own. I decided to just do all I could in order to have a baby & if it didn't work try to have an amazing life in every other way. Nobody has a perfect life sweetie. I don't know why but one day I realised I couldn't spend my life worrying about babies. It's a crappy thing fertility & I didn't want it to beat me. I hope you get your longed for little family soon, lots of good luck to you. Xx

[Lilli79]

This is such a difficult situation, I have been relatively lucky with colleagues but friends and family have been seemingly very easily getting pregnant for all the years we've been trying and I have had a few emotional outbursts at times. The only thing I would say is that I am currently 18 weeks and very obviously showing but I have told no one in work about struggles, ivf etc except my boss. I suppose people might think I conceived easily which is so far from the truth!! One lady who congratulated me yesterday told me she had 9 miscarriages, and now has one boy and while she was pregnant with him was basically put on 9 months bed rest. It's the people who say things like 'oh we got pregnant after one month' boasting about it nearly - I hate those people!! But I guess not everyone has this kind of luck & I didn't realise other people's struggles until they told me. I think if you're really struggling perhaps tell a few people in work, who you can confide in. Counselling is also a good idea, this is such a tough thing to go through and you need all the support you can get. Stay strong xxxx

[CBOO1]

Thanks girls, I am happy for them, I really am, I just can’t get past the unfairness of it all - I know sometimes life isn’t fair but I finally meet a great guy after being married to a complete arsehole, to then come to be told we need IVF due to male infertility, to then be told we don’t qualify for it because he already has a child. The irony of it!!!! I’m getting so consumed by it that it’s taking over & I don’t want us to live our life like that. Infertility is like a dirty secret, you don’t know whether to be open about it or keep quiet & have the conversations whilst that slowly destroys you inside with every word. Sorry to be so melodramatic 🤦🏻‍♀️ Xx

[Barbara101]

It is hard. I have regular teary outbursts (luckily in private) when friends and family fall pregnant - am always conscious of my reactions in front of them - it’s a sad place to be sometimes. I am truly happy for them but i can’t help but feel a bit shitty.

The one thing I’ve found about IVF and struggles to conceive is that it’s more common than I thought. I was talking to a girl at work recently and once we broached the topic she admitted to have gone through Ivf with her little girl and told me of others who also had in the team. Taking about it or keeping it a secret is such a personal thing, but I found talking about it quite a positive experience. Of course your always going to have people who make stupid off the cuff comments, and whilst at the time it hurts, after a bit of sulking I realise that they mean well or just are insentive bleeps.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Stay positive xx

[embiemomma]

firstly, it's ok to feel like this!! So don't feel bad. Secondly (probably easier to say now i have a baby) i used to think to myself when I hears pregnancy news, would i rather they have the same problems as me? The answer was a big fat no. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone! So hearing pregnancy announcements became easier because i would remind myself each time that this was someone who didn't have to go through the heartbreak i did. Also worth remembering, you never know what someone else has going on, they may have been trying years or miscarried themselves and you just don't know. It's not easy, but it makes it more bearable. Xx

[abcgirl]

There’s two really good podcasts I listen too with great advice

Beat Infertility

Miracles Happen Fertility Podcast

Their websites will help you find the episodes where they talk and give advice about exactly what you’re after