Fertility Network UK
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Everywhere I go!!

Everywhere I go there’s babies, on the tele, talking about it on the radio, instagram, Facebook. Everyone I know seems to be having a baby or recently had one. I don’t know how to cope with this. It’s our first month back trying after a 6 month gap due to a blocked tube and already it’s consuming my whole life. How do you cope because I just don’t think I’m going to be able to 😕

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Hey Lucy, I know how you feel, its hellish! I started by deactivating my Facebook account & unfollowing anyone with children & normal people on Instagram (I only follow celebs who I don't care have kids)

Sounds bizarre but it's really helped my mental state & I don't miss it at all!

The tele / radio is hard though. I'm not going so far as to not watching tv & only watching old series

I know that this wont last forever & hope when we're lucky enough to have our own child that I may go back on social media again. But for now that's what I'm doing

Not sure if this will help you as well xo

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I totally agree.... i deactivated facebook, dont attend baby showers and try to avoid gatherings where i know there will be lots of babies and lots of questions aimed at me. I thinks its totally normal for us to feel like that.... not being on fcbook had helped a lot.

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Hi

It is very tough, more than tough and it is consuming.

I still have Facebook (mainly to see what my sister is saying/doing as she lost her husband in January so I check on her) but I uninstalled Instagram and recently decided to put myself first. Normally anything I Do with regards to trips out or weekends, I always offer my sister's or in laws if they want me to have kids for weekend or take them with me wherever I'm going but at the minute I just don't feel like it so I've decided to plan more things with DH and I'm not offering my babysitting services.

I think you have to do what feels right for you and don't force yourself to do anything that you don't want to do.

Look after yourself and your wellbeing xx

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Hi Lucy! I know how you feel. Our first cycle was unsuccessful which I knew before I even had to take the test as I was bleeding loads. I feel like my life is stuck on pause. Loads of my friends and family are having babies and some are now onto their second. I thought I was mentally prepared for the IVF not working and I was ok initially but now it is really getting to me. I'm trying to keep a brace face but deep down I feel helpless. My friends and family have been fantastic and are trying to stay positive by saying it will happen. But what if it doesn't? I am so angry that my life is not going the way I wanted I thought it would : (

Hope you have a good support network. Big hugs x

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I genuinely don’t know how we cope. I don’t unfollow. It’s like something I have to cope with it. I think I just switch off and treat it as another world. It’s weird. But it’s hard. I just wanted to send hugs x

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It sucks! No one understands unless they've been through it x

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Hiya LucyC1987 how are you? I know how you feel. I’m so jealous of everyone around me been pregnant it so easy for them. Just this morning I met on of our best friends and his girlfriend had a baby yesterday congratulating him nearly broke my heart although I’m so happy for him I felt like crying. Hope you feel better soon and all works out for you sending you lots of love and big hugs

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Hi Lucy, I totally get that and found the same. I wrote a blog article on it which you may enjoy.

Seeing Someone Pregnant

Why is it that when you choose what car you are going to buy you suddenly see more of them on the road?

When I was training as a hypnotherapist our trainer used to do a group hypnosis session at the end of the day to help cement the learning e.t.c., and he used to have some fun by priming us to be surprised at how many mini’s we saw on our journey home.

This always surprised me at how it worked! I used to get the tube home but even in my short walk to the station at either end of the journey I was suddenly aware of minis in the traffic, when usually I probably wouldn’t have been aware of the traffic particularly.

There is a phrase, ‘the more you focus on, the more you get’.

My mind was primed to see minis. It was focussing on minis so it could make the match and identify them when it saw one.

Your mind is pretty much constantly focussed on your infertility journey and how much you want a baby. So guess what, what do you see more of? Pregnant women and babies. Pretty tough eh?

For me seeing fathers with their young children was tough for me. It was a trigger for despair, anger and sadness. This is called an ‘anchor’. It is an external experience creating an immediate internal response.

For example, you may notice how certain smells take you back to childhood? Perhaps they remind you of your grandparents, parents or something else. It is an automatic response. I was automatically transported from the mood I was in, to being acutely aware of our infertility and my fading hope and increasing despair

So, what can you do about it? Well, the more you explore and let go of the thoughts and beliefs that surround your infertility/wanting to have a baby the more your mind can find peace in the moment and not be constantly (even subconsciously) thinking/feeling. When your mind finds peace (which doesn’t mean giving up trying/wanting to have a baby), you are not constantly thinking about things, including hidden thinking.

At times you are not even aware it is on your mind, just like me and the minis, it was in my subconscious. I didn’t have a pen and notepad/actively looking for them. When your mind lets go of thinking about it, you stop seeing things associated to that thinking. You can start to be more in the moment, experiencing the world in a different way, calmer, more peaceful and a sense of wellbeing (yes, it is possible believe me!)

Secondly, you can actively create anchors, positive anchors. For example, if you find it hard to speak in public and it is a necessary part of your job you can spend time imagining speaking in public. Seeing it going really well and you feeling great doing it and associating this feeling and experience with either a physical sensation e.g. squeeze of a knuckle or a particular smell e.g. an essential oil/favourite perfume.

The more you spend time associating that experience with the squeeze/smell, the stronger it gets. So when you come to speak you can either take a whiff of your smell or a subtle squeeze of your knuckle and the nerves are replaced with that confidence you felt when you imagined that great talk.

Remember, your mind cannot tell the difference between imaginary and reality, so the emotions you feel when you imagine speaking with confidence are the real thing. Your mind becomes familiar to it and can recall it more easily when you need it. I had a client who used her favourite perfume and before we went to speak she would take a big breath of it in (having put some on just beforehand), as she walked up to speak. It transformed her state to one of confidence.

So, you could do this with seeing pregnant women. Imagine you want to feel hopeful or confident that it is going to be you one day? Imagine your head on the other person’s body. Notice how that feels, then make it your head and your (pregnant body). Turn them into the you you want to be, really experiencing how it feels. As you practice that you may be surprised how different you feel next time you see a pregnant woman out and about.

This is a fabulous way to turn that negative experience into something more positive for you and your fertility.

Russellx

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Thank you all for your replies 💖

I’m thinking about deleting social media just until I’m in a better place and can face new babies everywhere I go 😕

Sending love to you all xx

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Hi Lucy, I totally get it. Everywhere I go there are mothers and babies, and they look so happy and peaceful and online they are having lots of fun. I know I should be happy for them but it makes me sad. Did you feel any different during your 6 month gap? Good luck starting again x

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I hear ya, LucyC. It's non stop babies... I also deactivated my Facebook some time ago and that has certainly helped. Instagram is easier to manage - except the sponsored adverts relating to pregnancy and baby stuff but I just report them so after a while they disappear.

Hardest for me is my OH's family whatsapp group. The nieces and nephews are adorable but it's a constant stream of kiddie pics. I feel so left out as the OH and I never have anything to contribute. And when we do message about something or other it's ignored or the reply is yet another kid picture... I would love to be able to delete the group but obvs that wouldn't go down well....!!!

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I feel for you its been driving me insane lately and my partner has a little boy and the more i see what a wonderful dad he is and the relationship he has the more jealous i get and if we have a weekend where we dont have him i feel a slight relief at the moment otherwise it can feel like a knife in my heart a co worker came into work with her new baby and i tried my best to avoid holding the baby yet everyone despite knowing my situation pushed me to hold it like yourself im finding it all consuming and finding you feel awful for avoiding situations etc but sometimes it all you can do for your sanity i have recently unfollowed anyone pregnant or with a new baby on facebook/instagram it does help

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