Scared about losing friendships

[Refocus]

Hi,

DH and I have been trying for just over a year and a half to no avail. Our GP has referred us to a fertility clinic and we're waiting to hear from them (we've been waiting 4 weeks tomorrow!). Anyway... My best friend who has never really understood how I feel, has recently announced her pregnancy (after 2 months of trying). I really am pleased for her (and secretly would love to be chosen as God mother!) but I don't know how I'm going to get through these next 6+months of having to talk to her about her pregnancy! I now have out of 9 close school friends - 4 with babies and two more pregnant, plus another with her second. I feel so uncomfortable being around them all, I feel, sick anxious and full of dread about spending time with them (I'm OK one on one) but they are always organising group meets! I do force myself to go but mostly come away feeling depressed. I'm scared of being isolated and /or them finding me selfish and ridiculous. How do I get myself out of this dark hole?!?! Xxx

[Smang]

Hi Refocus, I know how you feel everyone around me has babies or is pregnant. All of our chats are consumed with baby or pregnancy talk. I just gently remind them from time to time if it’s okay if we change subject, not because I’m not happy for them but because it takes a toll on me. They all seem to under and make a conscious effort to make sure it’s not all baby talk.

There are also plenty of friends and family who I have not shared my fertility or ivf issues with so I have to then remind myself that they are unaware of what I’m going through. And I’m sure if they were aware they would be conscious of my feelings.

It’s really difficult but remember that we are all strong and resilient women and for some reason we have go through a few more hurdles and battles than others. But it will make it all the more sweeter at the end

Also wanted to mention don’t force yourself to go to the meet ups. If they are unaware just explain to them because you’re not in the same phase as them it is hard for you to relate. Or take the lead an organize baby-free nights and pose it as responsibility or care-free nights for the mommas. I’ve done that a few times and they love it and we enjoy our nights out that way without the baby talk.

[Refocus in reply to Smang]

Thank you! This was my first post on any forum and already feels a relief to hear from someone who understands!

[Tugsgirl]

Many, if not all of us, will know how you feel. At 38 (in April) I am the only one of my friends without a child now. Talk about feeling isolated and the odd one out.

Don’t force yourself to go to these gatherings if you don’t want to, not if you’re only going to feel worse afterwards. Perhaps try talking to your friends about how you’re feeling? Wishing you well xx

[Positive2022]

Hi lovely, i'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling right now and completely understand. Hubby and I were first seen in the fertility clinic back in October after almost 2 years TTC. I was at a very low point... Lots of relatives, friends, work colleagues all announcing their pregnancies and being the only one at work without children made things so much harder. The waiting for our first appointment was very hard. I had a bit of difficulty coming to terms with things and just felt pretty awful. It's ok not to go out if you don't want to. I actually found this helped me, just to get some distance. I made sure i kept in contact with people but was selective about who i socialised with and what occasions i attended. I confided in close family and chose to tell 2 people outside of family (my best friend and line manager at work) and was overwhelmed by their support, it really helped me get through things. It can feel very lonely but you're not alone here. My inbox is always open if you need a chat. Sending love and BIG hugs xxx

[Refocus in reply to Positive2022]

Thank you Poppy 149. I just had dinner with a friend who asked me how I was.... I felt so much better being able to talk about it and not bottling it up.

How long did it take you to see a fertility expert after GP referring you? This wait is not helping me deal with things.

[Positive2022 in reply to Refocus]

So pleased you felt able to open up, i felt a lot better after getting things off my chest. From the point of being referred, it took approximately 2 months to be seen. The actual process of seeing GP, having investigations and being referred took quite a while... We first saw our GP in May and then our appointment at the clinic came through For October. This was the hardest time. Going to work day after day being surrounded by new mums and dads all talking about their children and then being faced with the dreaded question of ' when are you going to have children?' whilst all this was going on. Once I spoke to my manager i had so much support for time off work for appointments and just an opportunity to chat through things which was really helpful. There were a few investigations that needed to be repeated etc but once in the system, things moved quite quickly and we were looked after really well. I asked about the opportunity of having a cancellation and it worked, my appointment was moved forward by several weeks - worth trying. Hope all goes well for you, let us know how you get on xxx

[Sweets1]

How you feel is completely normal, I’m due to get married in a few weeks and the “oh be babies next” comments are all ready flying around. I’m sure it would be a bit different and people would be more sensitive if the new our battles! But like others have said, don’t make it hard for yourself by forcing yourself to go, but I understand that it’s hard! I’m the only one from our group. We are all here to listen and offer support here, so you are not alone, wishing you all the best xxx