Afraid to start again, though are conditions ever right??

Hello there, sorry I haven't been on in a while... I guess my absence echoes the title of this post.

I'm heartened to see so many lovely stories and my heart goes out to those who've experienced sadness. I wish you all the very best for the year to come.

So, after several months off from ivf, becoming healthier and calmer through yoga, fitness and spiritual practice I felt more prepared for the next round of ivf set for early Jan.

However, since returning from a holiday in November, my healthy efforts and new found calm have gone out the window as my November af came a whopping 5 days early, which could mean af may be here over the next few days!

The thought of starting ivf over the Christmas period is quite frankly freaking me and I've realised that I'm putting every conceivable obstacle in the way of starting ivf again so soon.

I keep thinking that I've fallen off the exercise and healthy eating wagon since my hol, had alcohol on several occasions, my step-son is with us atm, so hospital trips and injecting in secret will be tricky, work has been highly stressful over the last few weeks, I'm sleep deprived and have the lerg so have convinced myself that "conditions aren't optimal for success"!

And so you see the perfectionist I've tried to shed creeps back in and the list of excuses grows.

I guess it just feels like a really emotional time for both of us too, knowing if I hadn't lost the first time we'd be celebrating baby's first Christmas now.

I really feel like ringing the clinic and asking them if we can start with my January af instead so we're in a better place, but are there ever "right conditions" or should I give my emerging inner scardy cat a good talking to...?

Luck and love to you and yours for now and the coming year xxx

38 Replies

  • I think you're being way too hard on yourself. And it's totally understandable. On this journey, each month that passes us by without that joy we wonder whether it was that bottle of wine/pizza/box of chocolates/long run that is the reason we didn't get pregnant that month. The reality is that of course it wasn't. In fact, relaxing those healthy habits may be just what your body (including your eggs) needed.

    Of course, if you've spent the last 6 weeks avoiding all fruit/veg and drinking a bottle of wine a day then it may be better to postpone. But it doesn't sound as if that is the case. I think the more important thing is your mindset. If you're stressed and no amount of reassurance is going to help you then do postpone, because otherwise you will worry throughout. But if it is solely a worry about your diet and exercise since your holiday, I think you need to go a bit easier on yourself and acknowledge that's just because you needed it at that point in time. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck xx

  • Aw, thank you for your kind response Jacqui, I do have a tendency of being hard on myself so you kinda hit the nail on the head there!

    I think I'll just see when af comes and go from there as the dh would prefer to postpone til Jan af too.

    It's hard to know what's instinct and what's nerves compelling you sometimes isn't it!

    How's your journey going? Xx

  • How are you feeling today hun?

    We got our bfp on Sunday, the best Christmas present we could ask for. But after 3 strong hpts, I'm now a little scared we're going through a chemical. I've had af pains all day (period would have been due yesterday, but I'm on cyclogest so won't bleed unless I stop taking it) so did a clearblue when I got home from work. The positive line is just about there though barely. There is no line in the control window though so I'm hoping it's just a broken test. I'm trying to convince myself that a test tomorrow morning will be fine. If it's fainter than the previous 3, I think a trip to the epu might be in order tomorrow xx

  • Oh wow, you got your bfp, that's amazing! I really hope that you get good news hun.

    It's such a worrying time isn't it!

    I remember taking 3 hpts initially but unlike someone who easily becomes pregnant, we just can't help worrying and taking further tests can we. It's the nature of the beast and so cruel we can't simply relax and enjoy as soon as we see those 2 lines. :-/

    Yeah, trip to the epu sounds like a sensible plan if you're still worried over the next few days.

    Big hugs and lots of luck and love to you hun. Xx

  • Thank you hun, you're do sweet. I went back to the test and all ink/dye had completely disappeared. After a little while of worrying quite a lot, I retested and got the positive again. The relief may have been more overwhelming than getting the positive in the first place!

    It is unfair that we can't just relax and enjoy those two lines, but I guess we all have very significant reasons to be a bit pessimistic? Cynical? Worried? We will definitely get more than one early scan to calm my nerves, hopefully that will help me feel more positive about it and accept that this might actually be happening!

    How are you feeling today? Xx

  • Aw hun,

    Sooo glad the further test was positive!! It's all such a roller coaster of emotion isn't it!

    But every positive step can be like another sorely needed affirmation that the magic is finally happening.

    Yeah, I think I'd want as many scans as I could get and would pinch myself at every one! Tehe. Xx

  • Thanks hun xx

  • Hi

    I don’t think conditions are ever right. Nothing is perfect. I decided to go with December AF, which potentially meant EC between Christmas and NewYear! Thankfully early AF in November and December meant I managed to get everything including ET on 23rd! Out of the way before Christmas and I’m currently in 2ww!

    I think if you wait for perfect conditions then it will never happen, however, I think you do need to make sure YOU are in the right place, even if everything around you isn’t.

    Good Luck!

  • That was really well put Em, thank you.

    Yeah, I think it's me that's not in the right place and the conditions are just an excuse.

    How's your tww going? Xx

  • It’s going ok so far I think! Although with having my niece 2 days for Christmas I have had lots of distractions!

    My Embryos were a lot better this time round than last, so I am feeling a lot more positive. I delayed by 2nd round to take DHEA and CoQ10, I think I was just grateful for the excuse to delay! It took me a lot time to get my head back in the ‘game’ for my 2nd round.

  • Glad it's going ok for you this time Em.

    It's defo hard to get your head back in the game which might be half my issue atm!

    I took DHEA and coq10 on my last round (and a whole list of supps from the book 'It Starts With the Egg').

    I was on a different protocol to the first time too but had less embryos that when I took nothing.

    The cycle was cancelled so I don't know if it helped egg quality but it goes to show it's down to our individual bodies and circumstances at the time doesn't it!

    I'm not sure whethwr to start taking them again... so glad they've helped you and hope for your positive result! Xx

  • I agree that I don’t think conditions are ever right - somehow life always has a way of getting in the way. Try not to be so hard on yourself in terms of diet, everything in moderation is what I’ve come to believe.

    I understand your reservations about starting though and I think if you would feel more comfortable and less stressed waiting another month or so then do as you’ll only mentally beat yourself up throughout the cycle, whatever you decide good luck xx

  • Thanks lovely, I think you're right.

    Now I'm allowing myself the possibility of starting next month I'm starting to relax a bit more.

    How're you doing hun? Xx

  • Welcome back Pookymama. Wishing you well with your next steps xx

  • Thank you WeeMrsH, good to hear from you. :-)

    How's everything with you? Xx

  • Hiya. We went through similar treatment timing last time if I remember correctly and now we sound very similar yet again. How mad ! I am sat here panicking because af is due anytime soon. As soon as it shows up I ring my clinic and round 3 begins. I am a nervous wreck..I have drank 2 bottles of wine over Xmas not just 1 so feel like if already let myself down but drownded my sorrows because we to should of had our beautiful 11 month old baby to celebrate this Christmas but i stead we are sat here hoping and praying it will 3rd time lucky. All I can say is would another 4 weeks really make a huge difference? Not much help but just want to send my love and hope whatever u decide to do turns out right for you xx good luck xxx

  • Hi Daydreamer, so lovely to hear from you again!

    Yes, it's uncanny how our journeys have kinda synched up again!

    It is scary stating again isn't it, especially after experiencing loss.

    Hopefully this time will be the one for us and 2018 will be a lucky year. Xxx

  • Sounds like you’ve done enough but January isn’t so far away either. I’m due to have my ET on Saturday so happy for some new year happiness

  • Good luck for Saturday Sanchia, sending you massive luck for all to go well.

    How're you feeling? Xx

  • I’m all over the place really. Trying to stay optimistic but worried that i May have a miscarriage again or worse a BFN

  • Oh Sanchia, it's such a worrying time and cruel we havant relax and enjoy it but it's totally naturally after having tried so hard and wanting it so very much.

    I wish you all the luck in the world that this is your time. Xx

  • I hear a lot of myself in your post. I totally identify with your efforts to be healthy and also to keep your perfectionism at bay. It’s a demon I struggle with on an ongoing basis. It does sound like you are being very hard on yourself. I don’t think think it’s fair to beat yourself up about having the occasional drink these past few weeks or the stress at work which you cannot control. We go to such lengths to prepare our bodies for the IVF but I wonder does it make much difference in the end? I have family members who are very overweight and lead unhealthy lifestyles who have all conceived naturally without issue. However, If you really feel you are too tired to get started in December, wait 4 weeks. Don’t make this decision something else to punish yourself about. Take care of yourself, sending you very best wishes for this treatment, whenever it starts xxx

  • Aw, thank you for your lovely reply Dunla.

    I do have a tendency of beating myself up over not being "perfect enough", even though I logically know there ain't no such thing as perfect, this process has the ability to make perfectionism creep in but I kinda drove myself nuts on previous rounds trying to be perfect, so definitely important to recognise it and nip it in the bud now.

    How're you doing with it all lovely? Xxx

  • I have just been to clinic this morning for endometrial scratch and prostap injection! This is our 5th round. We have made the decision to use donor eggs this time given poor response in previous cycles. It was a difficult decision to come to but we know it is our best chance of having a baby. Excited now to be getting started as it has been a slow process up to this point. Like you I’ll be trying to be kind to myself, physically and emotionally. Hope you are feeling a little better in yourself today xx

  • Wow, you've had the endo scratch this morning? How was it? It sounds painful but ive heard good things about the results.

    What's prostap? I've not heard of it.

    Aw hun, 5 rounds! Sounds like you've had a pretty long and intense journey so far!

    The DE option sounds sensible. Ive only had one full round of ivf then 2 rounds cancelled before EC and even then I was asking myself how much of this I could cope with.

    I have a low ovarian reserve for my age so if I haven't conceived with my own eggs in a round or 2 then a DE might be our next option too.

    I'm so glad you're feeling excited and being gentle with yourself.

    I'm feeling much better today too, thank you xx

  • Oh my goodness, it sounds like you are in a very similar situation to myself 😥 I too have low ovarian reserve for my age. It’s so difficult going through all the injections and so on only to yield so little reward! Fingers crossed for you in your next cycle that you’ve better success.

    The scratch is bearable. I was a bit dizzy and nauseous straight after and feel tired and crampy this afternoon. I had it done before cycle 4 and whilst I didn’t get pregnant I wanted to have it again as we are using donor eggs so hopefully odds will be much higher this time. I think there is evidence to suggest it aids implantation if done immediately before treatment cycle. It’s relatively inexpensive too and quite straightforward. You have it on day21 of cycle.

    The clinic I’m at use prostap injection to down regulate instead of buserelin nasal spray. I much prefer it. Couldn’t stand buserelin as it gave me terrible headaches.

    So glad to hear that you are feeling in better form today. Take it one day at a time and keep us all posted on how you’re getting on xo

  • Indeed, we do seem to have similar situations!

    The low reserve thing seems to be a bit of a nightmare but hopefully the steps you've taken this time will bypass that and this time next autumn the injections and scratches will be a distant memory.

    I'd thought about having the scratch... If we go for my Jan af it may still be an option.

    Hope you feel better from it soon!

    I'm on a short protocol so no down regging for me which I'm glad of as from what I could tell on my cancelled cycles with long protocol, I yielded less eggs than on short.

    Glad the prostap is better for you hun.

    I look forward to seeing how things progress for you.

    Massive luck xx

  • If you’ve built yourself up for January then maybe you should stick with January. Are you long or short protocol? Assume short if you’re starting with af, so you’ll be dealing with all those hospital trips etc straight away.

    Only you know if taking the plunge and just doing it would be best for you but personally I don’t think waiting one more cycle will affect your chances negatively.

  • Hi Lizzie, yeah, I kinda did psych myself up for a January start. At our treatment plan day I told the hospital I wanted to get our holiday and Christmas out of the way and have a fresh start in the New Year.

    I guess it's like claiming a bit of control back because we hadn't booked holidays or been able to relax for events like Christmas for the past few years due to ivf related stuff, so I guess that was part of the decision to wait til Jan.

    How're things with you hun? Xxx

  • 3 days in to new cycle and already wishing the time away for it to be over!

  • Aw hun, it does become that way doesn't it!

    I hope it goes smoothly for you xxx

  • Hi there - totally understand your fears of starting your next cycle but I do think it’s important to be ready and if you don’t feel ready just yet it may be worth speaking the the clinic about waiting until you until you feel a bit better at least. It sounds like you’ve been preparing for a January cycle and so it will be unsettling to bring that forward. Maybe have a chat with the clinic and see where you get to. Might it be worth seeing the clinic’s counsellor? Wishing you lots of luck whatever you decide to do Xxx

  • Thank you Flintstone, it does feel unsettling to bring it forward, you're totally right.

    I began spotting this morning and rang the clinic to ask if I could go with my January cycle as I'm not well and they were fine with it.

    I did have counselling through the NHS after my miscarriage as we found the counselling at the clinic to not be beneficial for us.

    Im a big believer in counselling, ironically, I pick up my first counselling clients next week as I'm in my final year of training to be one... lol. I've got to have counselling alongside this so hopefully that will help.

    How're things going for you hun?

    Massive luck snd love to you too xxx

  • After so many failed cycle I guess no time is d right time . It's we who decide when we are ready . So I think if u r not up for it then you shouldn't b forcing urself. Xx

  • You're right tiger, I've listened to my instinct as something was telling me to put it off and it seems this was for good reason as I found out today I need some unrelated health checks so maybe that was the underlying reason for my reservations all along.

    How're things going for you? Xxx

  • Hello chica! I hope that you are well? Firstly I want to say what an amazing achievement for being healthy and practicing mindfulness and yoga! Don’t forget even though you have taken a break it doesn’t mean that you can’t start again! I’ve been running off and on for over 10 years and say every time ‘I’m not going to stop’, of course life often gets in the way!!

    I can totally appreciate quietening the nagging perfectionist can be tricky, something we have in common, but your human try to be kind to yourself! It’s positive that you have insight into that element of your personality because you can gather some control over when those feelings can overwhelm.

    If you do not feel ready to start your cycle, please give yourself permission to have a few weeks until you do feel ready, often it can be the best remedy. Meanwhile, enjoy carb loading with the leftover Christmas food and enjoy a cheeky wine to welcome in 2018! Let’s hope it’s a positive one for us all 😘😘😘

  • "Hello Dolly!" Sorry, couldn't resist that!

    How're you doing lovely?

    Yeah, it feels great to get into a healthy routine, really quietens the mind and improves the ability to cope!

    I bet running is a really freeing feeling when you're in the groove as well but as you say, life sure does get in the way sometimes doesn't it!

    It seems from a few conversations I've had recently that the demon perfectionist creeps into quite a lot of us. I guess this fertility game doesn't help does it!

    I am off ivf til Jan now, I've sorted it today. May even be pushed back further due to other medical stuff...

    What's happening with you anyhoo hun?

    Hope 2018 is our year!


  • I’m doing well, thank you for asking 😘 we are due to start a DE cycle in the next few months, the clinic are just syncing cycles with me and donor, maybe to start February time, so fingers crossed!! Cautiously optimistic!!

    Still carb loading and working my way through food and for a foodie to say I’m done with Christmas fayre, is saying something!! 😂😂

    I’m starting a ‘beginners class’ again in January for running! The umpteenth attempt at getting back on the wagon!! God loves a trier, so they say! 🤣

    I’m so glad that you sound like you have made peace with yourself and decision, it’s hard to know which is the right thing for us to do sometimes isn’t it?!

    I honestly have no idea what 2018 has planned for us, but I think I’m going to grab every opportunity with both hands! Bring it on!! 👍👍👍😘😘😘

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