It's been a stressful few weeks. Last Tuesday, slap bang on my 35th birthday, I had a gynaecology appointment...because the universe really does have a sense of humour. I got my AMH results and thankfully, they were good (27!!). So I spent the rest of the day humming the Rolling Stones' 'time is on my side' to myself.
Then yesterday I learnt that my sister-in-law had just given birth to her second child, and I feel with the deepest, clearest certainty that this will never happen for me. You know how you just know things? Well, I just know this. I'm fit and healthy, all my tests are coming back fine, but I will never, never have a child. It makes me want to scream in frustration.
I should be happy for her, and I'm really trying to do this. She, too, has had a very rough time with infertility and both her children were conceived via ivf. And I haven't even completed all of my tests yet. I'll have to schedule a hysterosalpingogram when my next period arrives, which shouldn't be more than a week or so away. But after years of trying without success I've run out of hope. It's all over. I'll go ahead with the test only because I'd like to have some answers, not because I hope for anything.
But now I need to cheer myself up, so I'll conclude with a weird question: does anyone else's body react to sperm? I don't mean an allergic reaction - which is a rare condition - I mean heavy breasts and heavier periods. I thought over the last year or so it was simply my stress that was causing this. But then, when I fell ill over the summer, my husband and I took a break and all those symptoms went away. My breasts stopped hurting like crazy for the two weeks leading up to my period; my periods didn't involve such severe cramps. And now we've started trying again, those symptoms are back. Every. F$^%"&^ing. Time. Odd. Does anyone else experience anything similar?
Am I over reacting..
Game over 
Implantation Symptoms
Game over- this time
