The waiting game!

[Franco81]

I'm sorry to moan but I feel I need to vent how unfair this whole thing seems and I'm running out of places to go!

Does anyone else feel like it's all just one long, never ending waiting game? I feel as if I'm waiting to start living my life again but I'm being followed by the huge cloud of infertility and I'm running out of patience. With each passing month I'm also isolating myself even more from friends and family as their patience in offering support is running low too!

We had our first failed round of ICSI just over a month ago and are still waiting for our follow up appointment at the clinic. I think this has been a wait I didn't anticipate and we feel very alone. We've found a new clinic but need to wait 3 weeks for our consultation then will need to wait until after Christmas to start treatment as they close over the Christmas period.

Every month for the last two and a half years has been consumed with waiting, waiting for my period then for ovulation to give it another go before another heartbreaking period arrives! My life has been consumed by my menstrual cycles and I can't remember a time when my period was just an annoying monthly (uncomfortable) few days instead of the reminder of my failure every month!

I'm sorry to completely moan but I just feel like this is never going to end (it's not helpful that I've started yet another unwanted period today which brings with it irrational hormones to add to the party!) so I'm sure I'll pick myself up again tomorrow and carry on but today is just one of those days where I can't stop crying and I can't see a way through this bloody awful journey!!

Love to all you amazing women (and men) xx

[Fredaflintstone]

Hey there - sometimes we need to get things off our chest. All the waiting is so hard and frustrating and it’s especially upsetting each time we get our periods and having to wait so long for your follow up. I’m sure you will get there though it doesn’t feel like it right now. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself to something nice to cheer yourself up. You do deserve it. Xxx

[Franco81 in reply to Fredaflintstone]

Thank you so much, there are ups and downs but sometimes it feels like such a struggle and I've forgotten what life is like without having this constant black cloud.

I hope you're doing ok x

[Fredaflintstone in reply to Franco81]

Maybe have a bit of fun over Christmas and take some time out then try again in the new year?

I’m good thanks - getting there xxx

[Sarah_S]

Hi Franco, I know exactly how you feel, and I'm sure most other people on this forum do too. It felt like forever just to get the referral (moving house in between delayed us too), and 4 years after first going to the GP I'm now on my third cycle of ICSI. You do need time after each cycle, emotionally and physically, and my clinic wouldn't start another cycle until I'd had at least 2 full natural cycles in between, so I wouldn't say that a month isn't that long for a follow up appointment, and even if you'd stayed with the same clinic it would probably be after Christmas for your next cycle anyway. They should be communicating with you to tell you this though. Have you had any counselling offered? I would definitely recommend it. It's difficult to accept the waiting, but now that you've got some expected dates it's really important to take some time out, do something different and de-stress. I'm sure that your family and friends will continue to support you fully, perhaps it's just your perception that they're running out of patience? It can be really difficult to deliver the tough messages to them and can end up with you feeling guilty about burdening them with it, whereas I'm sure they'd say the opposite. It's really tough but I would say use this gap to enjoy some quality time with them doing/talking about other things to strengthen your relationships before going into your next cycle. Good luck, and keep trying! xx

[Franco81 in reply to Sarah_S]

Ah thank you for your reply. I know everyone on here must feel the same sometimes and I know lots of you ladies have been waiting so much longer than me. I just sometimes feel like we're forever waiting for the next thing then the next with the disappointment thrown in and putting off living life! But you're right, my appointment isn't too far off now, I guess I'm just looking for something positive to focus on which normally I'm ok at, just today was a down day I guess! Their communication hasn't been great and I was initially told I'd need to wait a full cycle before starting another treatment but surely that would have been now if the follow up had been sooner. But I'm trying to focus on what we can do now and looking at other clinics has felt like at least we're doing something!

We have had some counselling through the clinic which has been great too.

Are you in the middle of treatment now? Fingers crossed for you xx

[Kiedy84]

Hi, I agree waiting is the worst but what it makes even more difficult is expectations. I wished I could just switch that part of my brain off buy instead every month I expect it to happen and every month I get disappointed. First day on my period is the worst. Thinking of you xx

[Franco81 in reply to Kiedy84]

Exactly! I can't ever not know exactly where I am in my cycle and read into every little twinge/cramp/bloat to work out what's going on in there! It's so tiring! But we'll get there one day 🙏🏻 xx

[kelsbels88]

Hi I could have wrote 90% of this post myself. I hope you are as ok as can be.

This whole journey is so hard and as you said involves a lot of waiting and hoping. Some of us know that we will be parents and so it’s just a case of when, others find that belief a lot more difficult. Myself included.

We are trying naturally and it’s really hard. I suffer with excruciating pain around my cycle and have found that since coming off contraception am now constantly living my life on two week bursts ( 2weeks to ovulation then dreaded two week wait) to find out that it just hasn’t happened again. You then proceed to feel like crap for it because you feel like yet another month when your dream and the dream of your significant other has slipped away further.

I do feel on reflection that I am dictated by cycles, temperatures, pee sticks (pregnancy or ovulation), bleeding, pain and above all the symptom checking.

I know deep down somewhere that it will happen for us but the constant set backs on this journey do make it a lot more difficult.

I do have to say that without doing this journey I never would have found this forum or the amazing women who are on it and the truly inspiring journeys they are on or have taken and shared with all of us to give me and others true hope that it may happen for us too.

I wish you well on this journey and am hear to lend an ear if needed

Good luck xxxxx

[Franco81 in reply to kelsbels88]

Ah thank you so much. That is exactly it, our lives are in two week bursts! Focusing on the end of the next two weeks before you can think about the next and it just goes on and on. I don't know about you but sometimes I am coping really well and other times it seems unbearable. I think having treatment gave me a new hope for a little while but now I'm back into that cycle I feel stuck again. I'm just so fed up of postponing my life!

We will get there though, we have to keep that hope alive and one of these days the cycle will be broken with the news we're all waiting for!

I really wish you well and hope it happens for you soon xx

[Beebeestar]

Hi Franco81,

I totally understand, it’s important to keep yourself busy with regular activities. That’s why I’ve never stopped working as it keeps me busy.

On weekends make plans with each other and try to fit in something to look forward to at least once a week like a meal out or something.

Counselling might help to if you want to talk.

It is important to not let this consume you.

I hope you feel better soon and good luck on your continued journey! 🍀